Off late there has been lot of discussion and speculation about my brother-in-law's marriage. Speculation why? Because his hunt for bride has now reached two year anniversary with futile results. Every time we call we hear one or the other story as to how and why the girl rejected him. All this furiates my husband who thinks that his brother should widen his options and be more flexible. His harsh words do not go well with his family and I beg him to cool down and make him understand that things are not the way it was six years ago.
I remember the time I got engaged to my husband. In our case my spouse had chosen me over five other contenders of whom I had absolutely no knowledge. And now is a day where women get to choose and this does not go well with the alpha males and dormant passively aggressive females.
Now why and how did this day dawn upon the Indian male species (No idea about other races)? To understand this we need to focus our attention on two things; one is the fact that male to female ratio has significantly changed with the latter reducing in number on a daily basis and number two is the fact that women as of this time and age have managed to carve a place for themselves in the society. Financial independence and self confidence has given them the much needed leverage that lacked in Indian society for a long time. This change in equation not only hurts majority of men who dominated over women almost forever but also women who want their daughter-in-laws to share the same fate as that of theirs.
Now come to think of it when there is more demand than supply why would a girl not pick and choose? Does being a woman mean that she cannot have choices? Definitely not! As a feminist I am all for gender equality and fairness but what bothers me is that some women when provided with options try to exploit the opportunity by giving it a different shade and color. How so is a question many a minds may ask!
Let me support or answer my argument with real life experience. My borther-in-law went to meet one of the many girls his parents had picked for him. Even before they could get acquainted with each other the girl asked him straight faced as to what his income was? For a minute my brother-in-law did not know how to react. His reaction was to pretend that he received an urgent call and leave. Now was what the girl did right? or let me put it this way should my borther-in-law have left instead of answering her question?
When I heard about his experience I felt nothing wrong with the girl asking the "income" question. What actually bothered me was the timing. Beginning a conversation with a sensitive question killed both their chances. As far as my brother-in-law was concerned he was convinced that the girl did not like him hence repelled him by asking the "income" question.
Then there were girls who asked him if he would expect them to stay with his parents after marriage. And some who dared to call his parents, "scrap machines." Best was when one of the girls told him that she would marry him only if he agreed to the "five mile" clause. That is she would marry him only if he moved away five miles from his parents but closer to her parents. Some even tried to warn him that after marriage he could not ask them to contribute one penny of their income towards anything of his demand or choice. Amazed at his experience I wondered when did things go from docile to dynamite?
Answer is very simple. Ultrasound entered into the picture when parents adamant for a male child got rid of female fetus like weed. And who ever willingly signed up for daughters ended up owning the rarest inventory. They decided to raise their daughters boldly and offered them the best of what a male child was entitled to receive.
Apparently an open India offered such daughters a good life and career which parents welcomed with all cheers and laughter. Today these parents have daughters who have reached or crossed marriageable age but they do not seem to be willing to trade their daughter's who lay golden eggs for men who might not want to buy into this financial independent wife idea. I totally understand their fears and I support their idea. Why should a daughter be expected to not support her parents after marriage when a son can do the same married or unmarried? Are only men entitled to take care of their parents? Surely not!
But what bothers me is that these very same parents who are in a deep dilemma, courtesy society's questions about their daughter's martial prospects, willingly or unwillingly push their daughters into marriage thereby placing their daughters in a very awkward position. This adds fuel to fire with women trying to strike a balance between what they want and what their parents want.Then there are specific issues related with women of certain professions who make it very clear that for them their career is their priority and would prefer not to have kids in future or quit work for any reason.
I understand all these cases and I am fine with women having ideals and desires of their own but what I do not understand is if women have so many constraints then why do they prefer to see men who do not fit their requirements? or Why get married to begin with because any married couple will admit that marriage is all about compromises. Not adjusting means ending a relationship before it even begins.
Also I am all for women who do not prefer to ditch their parents for in-laws after all a girl's parents deserve their love and support but when did naming parents as "Scrap" come into fashion? Not all in-laws live harmoniously and I feel its better if distance is maintained but when did "five mile" clause become a pre-requisite?
Is this what education and career does to women? I am yet to see. I keep telling my brother-in-law to widen his options and understand that women today are not like his mother any more. He agrees with me and admits that at this point he does not mind marrying any girl who is fine with how and what he does or is.
But then every time we call we try to dig information and it is then we realize that maybe he is afterall not ready to face these new breed of women. That he is still stuck in some era where women blindly followed their husbands footsteps and had no individuality. Or maybe he is scared that even if he did find the right girl then what are the chances that she will not divorce him? Just like him and his likes even we are confused and are in the process of understanding what a girl today needs from a boy? Is it good character, money, or a toy that dances to their tunes?
Bigger question is whether we will ever know answers to any of these questions or is it that we are asking for just too much!
For now all I know is just as much as you who reads know for rest of the time we will continue our hunt for the bride.
I remember the time I got engaged to my husband. In our case my spouse had chosen me over five other contenders of whom I had absolutely no knowledge. And now is a day where women get to choose and this does not go well with the alpha males and dormant passively aggressive females.
Now why and how did this day dawn upon the Indian male species (No idea about other races)? To understand this we need to focus our attention on two things; one is the fact that male to female ratio has significantly changed with the latter reducing in number on a daily basis and number two is the fact that women as of this time and age have managed to carve a place for themselves in the society. Financial independence and self confidence has given them the much needed leverage that lacked in Indian society for a long time. This change in equation not only hurts majority of men who dominated over women almost forever but also women who want their daughter-in-laws to share the same fate as that of theirs.
Now come to think of it when there is more demand than supply why would a girl not pick and choose? Does being a woman mean that she cannot have choices? Definitely not! As a feminist I am all for gender equality and fairness but what bothers me is that some women when provided with options try to exploit the opportunity by giving it a different shade and color. How so is a question many a minds may ask!
Let me support or answer my argument with real life experience. My borther-in-law went to meet one of the many girls his parents had picked for him. Even before they could get acquainted with each other the girl asked him straight faced as to what his income was? For a minute my brother-in-law did not know how to react. His reaction was to pretend that he received an urgent call and leave. Now was what the girl did right? or let me put it this way should my borther-in-law have left instead of answering her question?
When I heard about his experience I felt nothing wrong with the girl asking the "income" question. What actually bothered me was the timing. Beginning a conversation with a sensitive question killed both their chances. As far as my brother-in-law was concerned he was convinced that the girl did not like him hence repelled him by asking the "income" question.
Then there were girls who asked him if he would expect them to stay with his parents after marriage. And some who dared to call his parents, "scrap machines." Best was when one of the girls told him that she would marry him only if he agreed to the "five mile" clause. That is she would marry him only if he moved away five miles from his parents but closer to her parents. Some even tried to warn him that after marriage he could not ask them to contribute one penny of their income towards anything of his demand or choice. Amazed at his experience I wondered when did things go from docile to dynamite?
Answer is very simple. Ultrasound entered into the picture when parents adamant for a male child got rid of female fetus like weed. And who ever willingly signed up for daughters ended up owning the rarest inventory. They decided to raise their daughters boldly and offered them the best of what a male child was entitled to receive.
Apparently an open India offered such daughters a good life and career which parents welcomed with all cheers and laughter. Today these parents have daughters who have reached or crossed marriageable age but they do not seem to be willing to trade their daughter's who lay golden eggs for men who might not want to buy into this financial independent wife idea. I totally understand their fears and I support their idea. Why should a daughter be expected to not support her parents after marriage when a son can do the same married or unmarried? Are only men entitled to take care of their parents? Surely not!
But what bothers me is that these very same parents who are in a deep dilemma, courtesy society's questions about their daughter's martial prospects, willingly or unwillingly push their daughters into marriage thereby placing their daughters in a very awkward position. This adds fuel to fire with women trying to strike a balance between what they want and what their parents want.Then there are specific issues related with women of certain professions who make it very clear that for them their career is their priority and would prefer not to have kids in future or quit work for any reason.
I understand all these cases and I am fine with women having ideals and desires of their own but what I do not understand is if women have so many constraints then why do they prefer to see men who do not fit their requirements? or Why get married to begin with because any married couple will admit that marriage is all about compromises. Not adjusting means ending a relationship before it even begins.
Also I am all for women who do not prefer to ditch their parents for in-laws after all a girl's parents deserve their love and support but when did naming parents as "Scrap" come into fashion? Not all in-laws live harmoniously and I feel its better if distance is maintained but when did "five mile" clause become a pre-requisite?
Is this what education and career does to women? I am yet to see. I keep telling my brother-in-law to widen his options and understand that women today are not like his mother any more. He agrees with me and admits that at this point he does not mind marrying any girl who is fine with how and what he does or is.
But then every time we call we try to dig information and it is then we realize that maybe he is afterall not ready to face these new breed of women. That he is still stuck in some era where women blindly followed their husbands footsteps and had no individuality. Or maybe he is scared that even if he did find the right girl then what are the chances that she will not divorce him? Just like him and his likes even we are confused and are in the process of understanding what a girl today needs from a boy? Is it good character, money, or a toy that dances to their tunes?
Bigger question is whether we will ever know answers to any of these questions or is it that we are asking for just too much!
For now all I know is just as much as you who reads know for rest of the time we will continue our hunt for the bride.
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