Birth of an idea

Yesterday evening I looked at Chethan and said,"You know, we need to do something about children in India." "What do you mean?" asked Chethan. "Children who cannot afford to go to school. To keep children who go to school in school. Someone needs to start somewhere. Someone needs to help women. Help them support families and themselves."

"Nice thought!" was Chethan's reply. Yesterday was not the first time Chethan and I have had this conversation. I always start the conversation which starts with Chethan pausing Two and Half Men which he watches avidly and ends the minute I am done talking. Yesterday I started the conversation and kept talking. Chethan was annoyed a little bit but then four years of married life does create a fear inside spouses. A fear that says,"Ok! Today nodding my head won't suffice. She needs an answer.If I don't talk then there will be war. A painstaking cold war which will lead to no food, no talking, no her doing grocery, laundry, or talking to me." I guess that did the trick.

Chethan promptly paused the TV with the help of the remote, folded his hands and looked at me. He nodded his head and said,"Hmm, OK, Yes," wherever and whenever it was appropriate.After I was done talking he went,"We need experience. How can we do anything without any experience? Let's join a NGO first and then start on our own."

I replied,"But getting into an already established NGO will be hard. Plus most of the volunteer positions ask for fund raising help. That's not exactly any experience. Also winning trust of any NGO will take an awful lot time. As entrepreneurs we will have to take some calculated risk and start on our own.Maybe we will be wrong but we will learn from our mistakes."

Again a nodd and clucking of tongue which implied that I was not getting his point. He insisted,"Let's figure out what NGO to join this weekend and we will go from there."

I opposed,"I have an idea. Atleast listen to it." "Ok,Go ahead," replied Chethan reluctantly thinking how much more boring an idea could it be? I said,"Let's ask someone back home in India to identify children who are struggling to meet ends. Lets find out what is that they need. We will list the needs of the children and post it on the website along with their pictures. Meanwhile we can circulate the idea among people we know and explain it to them. We can tell them that they can adopt any child listed on the website and provide for the needs listed. They can choose what need to provide for and get full update on where their money is being spent. The child will be sponsored throughout his/her life and the people here or anywhere will be their virtual parents. Similarly we can slowly encourage micro-finance for women and so on."

Chethan really liked the idea but found it a little overwhelming to deal with. He said,"Yeah, but who do we get in touch with in India? How do we know where the money is being spent? What if people here detest the idea?"

I replied,"Every idea looks deemed for failure. We have to make it work. Of course once the process starts maybe the idea will change and attain different face but it will atleast help us start somewhere." This time the head nodded in my favor. "OK said Chethan. Let's get working on it."

So there just like that over an episode of two and half men, with the help of fear factor and nagging I pushed and delivered an idea. An idea that, was finally born, amidst strong opposition. An idea that Chethan finally approved of and vowed to lend me labor to help it nourish and grow. To hold its fingers along with me, when it cries, to teach it to walk, play, and talk. To help it reach its teenage and then adulthood. To watch it mature when we grow old together. To make it self reliant when finally we are no more.

And just like that an idea was born.

Amani

She stared at the rat poison on her table for a long time. She was angry, very angry that her father had forced her to marry the slow guy. Slow, they said! Nonsense, she thought.He was not slow on the night of the wedding. He knew to force her into something she was not interested. He had slapped her once and Amani had slapped back. But that did not stop Raja. He had a grin on his face all the time that he beat her. He kicked her in her stomach and then there where the pain seemed unbearable. She had wanted to scream but she was scared that someone would hear her. When all was done Raja had slept like a baby. Ignorant of her and what he had done to her. Amani was crushed. Things were not supposed to be like this she thought. He is a slow guy how did he know what to do to her on their wedding night. Disgust, anger, and resentment that she always had against men grew so much so in her that she wanted to end her life that very moment and second.

But then she was scared of dying. The nerve in her head throbbed. She was in pain.She closed her eyes and her eyes hurt. So she decided to lay down on the floor at the bottom of the bed with her eyes open. All through the night she could hear Raja snoring and she hated it. And sometime in the middle of the night when she did close her eyes, she dreamt. She dreamt of her college friend Prakash.

How they had both liked each other. How they wanted to be with each other. But he was not a Brahmin, he was a Dalit, which meant that she could never get married to him. He was from a low caste and people said that a Brahmin who marries a Dalit goes to hell after death. Amani had believed it and refused to elope with Prakash on the evening of her marriage.

"I do not want to be in hell when I am dead. I am in hell now. Atleast let me get heaven after I die," said Amani. Prakash a brilliant boy who had planned to go to Dubai for work had laughed at her for what she had said. He had tried to convince her that there is no hell or heaven. It is all nonsense. He told her,"We make hell or heaven on earth. It is us humans who make caste. You are an educated girl. How can you believe in this nonsense? Come with me and I will keep you happy. I promise" But Amani was relentless. Without any protest she had married Raja, the slow guy.

Now in her dreams she kept calling for Prakash and Prakash had come to rescue her. They had both managed to elope to Dubai in her dream. She saw tall buildings in her dreams. The buildings were just like the pictures in the magazine. Prakash was just about to show her the gift he had bought for her when she felt someone whispering "Good Morning" into her ears. She thought it was Prakash. She opened her eyes only to find Raja. Oh! how she hated him.

"Good morning," Raja said once again. Amani pretended to be asleep. And it was at that moment when Raja begged her to wake up. He said,"Please wake up amma expects everyone to be up before the prayers at 8am. If you do not wake up then she will be angry at me and not give me anything. Not the lands nor the money. Nothing from the property. You follow her and she will give you everything. She loves me and she will like you."

Amani heard everything and chose not to wake up. After trying for some time Raja left. Exactly at 7.30 am Amani heard a knock at the door. When she did not open Raja's mother, Jakamma kicked the door open, walked straight inside and took her by the hair. She dragged Amani down to the bathroom. She pushed her inside and gave her exactly ten minutes to get ready. She called Raja and asked him to keep a check on her. She said,"If after ten minutes she is not ready then take some kerosene and pour it on her. Once you do that call me. I will come and personally set her on fire."

Amani heard it and became alert. By now she knew that Raja was Jakamma's puppet and would not think twice before setting her up on fire. She feared the worst and locked the bathroom door tight. She was scared that Raja would peek in. Every now and then Amani could hear Raja singing and counting time down. According to Raja Amani had gotten ready in eight minutes. "Amma will be proud. You will see," he said and gave Amani a big slow smile.

Once the prayers were done Jakamma called Raja to a corner and whispered something in his ears. Raja at once nodded his head and left. Amani hated Raja but in the last forty eight hours Raja was the only person Amani had known in the big old house. And now he was gone. Jakamma called her elder daughter-in-law, Sudha, and asked her to assign some work to Amani.

Sudha was extremely polite with Amani. Amani had liked her instantly. Sudha sweet talked Amani into more work than expected and at the end of the day Amani was dead like a log. In the evening when she got permission to return back to her room she found that her belongings were missing. Except a few clothes everything else including her jewelry she noticed was gone. She instantly knew what Jakamma had whispered into Raja's ears. When looking for her belongings Amani had found a knife. It was a little blunt. To sharpen it she used the metal window bars of her room. Once done she waited for Raja to return.

Raja came to the room at eight in the night and walked towards her to grab her. Amani immediately pulled her knife and pointed it towards him. She touched the side of the knife and said,"Stay away from me.If you come one step towards me then I will stab you."

Her threat had worked. Like a dog Raja moved back and made way for her. He let her sit on the bed and made room for himself on the floor. Amani found this behavior of Raja odd. She knew that he could be easily manipulated. She told him bluntly,"Look, if you tell anyone about what I told you today then I will kill you. Believe me I will. You be good to me like a friend and I will be good to you." Raja nodded his head in agreement and smiled.

The next day things went on the same way and so three months passed. During that time Amani had learnt to make Raja do things for her. She awarded his deeds with some intimacy.Her trick she thought was working. Raja she thought was now officially her puppet. What she did not know was that Jakkamma had been following her strategy but had cut leniency because Jakamma thought Amani would produce Jakamma more heirs. When nothing happened for six months she called Raja in her room and gave him the ultimatum.

Suddenly Amani's plan had gone topsy turvy. Raja had turned against her. He was scared of the knife so he did not physically abuse her but he did pass nasty comments about her when in public, he ignored her, and started to sleep outside the room. Amani knew Jakamma was behind Raja's actions but she also knew that if she got a chance to talk to Raja alone in private then things would work in her favor.

Unfortunately for Amani, Jakamma knew that too and had made sure that Amani suffered in remote. Jakamma believed in divide and rule and started to favor Sudha over Amani. She would praise Sudha in public by saying," At least you gave me a grand son. This one is infertile." Sudha loved to be praised and supported Jakamma in tormenting Amani by giving her more work than Amani could possibly do.

Amani was desperate now she knew she had to come with up a master plan, a new one that would save her from her fate.

Though determined to fight Jakamma, Amani was sometimes overwhelmed by the cold war.She felt like she had traded one rat hole for another. She craved to meet her mother but she knew Jakamma would never let her go. Amani's mother had met her once or twice but Amani's father had soon caught her leaving the house without his permission. He punished Amani's mother by kicking her abdomen several times which left Amani's mother bed ridden for months and that put an end to the visits which Amani had always so much looked forward for.

Amani was all alone. She knew that she had to fight and win this battle. She was not ready to spend the rest of her life slaving for another dictator like her father.

One night Amani made up her mind to talk to Raja about the whole situation. Somewhere around 1am Amani sneaked out of her room to the living room downstairs where Raja slept in a separate cot right next to his mother's. There was no light. Amani used the smallest of torch with the weakest of beam. With every step she took towards Raja's bed she feared she would wake Jakamma up.

But Jakamma slept very well which probably was the reason for her long and healthy life. When Amani finally reached Raja she rubbed some spit from her mouth on one of her fingers. She used one hand to cover Raja's mouth and the other to rub the spit on his closed eyes. When Raja felt the dampness in his eyes he gave out a shriek. But Amani had a good grip on his mouth and succeeded in waking only him and not anyone else up.

When Raja saw that it was her he pulled his face away but then Amani gave him a smile and stroked his hands fondly. Raja liked it and got up from his cot. He followed Aamani to their room where Amani did what she had to do. Later when in his arms she turned to Raja and asked,"Do you love me?" Raja grinned and said, "Yes." "Then why do you go away from me?" asked Amani. "Amma told me to do so," said Raja. The answer made Amani's stomach churn with anger. "But I am the one who will be there for you once Amma dies. What if I leave you then and go away? Would you like it?" "No,No, Amma should not die," and saying so Raja started to cry. Amani held him tight and said,"Amma will not die now Raja but what if she dies after a few years. We will all die with time. Would you want me to be there for you then or not?"

Raja started sweating at the thought of being alone. "No, No, After Amma I want you Ammu. I love you." Amani was content with the answer. "So don't go away from me. Don't take and give my things to your mother. We will need it for our children someday." Raja nodded head in agreement and then shook with disagreement. "No but what if Amma," he said,"What if Amma does not give us anything from the property?" Amani cut him and said,"You have a government job and you can give tuitions. I can stitch blouses for ladies in the village. There is nothing to fear. We don't need her money. And after all what will anyone get from selling these lands. They are worthless now in 21st century." Raja did not understand the last part. All he wanted was to be with Amani, feel the warmth of her body, breathe on to her neck and have three meals a day. And yes he also wanted a son he said. He continued,"But I love Amma. I will not leave her." Amani said," We do not have to. There is this small piece of land down hill which belongs to your uncle. Tomorrow go and talk to him. Tell him that you have a friend in Dubai who wants to buy the land it from him. And ask him to promise to not tell Jakamma." Raja nodded his head and said,"Ok Ammu whatever you say. From tomorrow I will do all that you say."

That night Amani slept like a baby with Raja. She did not love Raja but she liked to rule. She had tasted power and now she wanted more of it. She knew she could use her power to do the right thing.

Another three months passed with Raja sneaking into the room every other night without Jakamma's knowledge. One day, Amani fainted when washing dirty dishes at the lake. Jakamma checked her pulse and said,"Hmm its time for another boy in this house. That fool of my son was smart enough to con me into believing that he never left my side at night. Anyways with five girls and one boy that Sudha gave me its time for five sons and more sons. Sudha is useless. Now its time for boys, yes, more boys." She laughed and clapped in joy.

One of Sudha's daughter told Sudha about Amani being pregnant. Sudha hated the news. She slapped her daughter and asked her to go and work in the fields or do her home work. She cried with fear and anger. She knew that now she would be nothing in the eyes of Jakamma. All that she had worked for had been destroyed by this new girl. She hated this niece of her son-in-law. She decided to harass her with more work. But what did she know that Amani had her own plans.

Amani was happy and sad. Sad because she knew that if she has a girl then things will go sour forever. To save herself she knew she had to move away from Jakamma and move away fast. The window she had gotten was small. She managed to send Raja early to work and had him in the room before night. Amani had ordered Raja to talk little to everyone and only answer the questions others asked. He had also, as per Amani's, wishes met his uncle and told him that he wanted to buy his uncle's land on behalf of a friend who currently resided in Dubai. Although Raja's uncle knew that Amani had trained Raja and was secretively scheming against Jakamma he kept mum. He hated Jakamma for not giving him the right share in the property and decided to take his revenge by supporting Raja.

Meanwhile, Jakamma had started to notice the difference in Raja's behavior but had left him alone for now that he had to take care of the child in his wife's womb. Amani was in her eighth month when her baby shower was celebrated once in Ratadi, her husband's village and another time in Udupi at her father's place. All through the function her father grumbled about the money he had to spend. And Umanatha, Amani's mother's brother, unable to bear the comments had said,"Shut up Sripati. Your daughter was married to that slow guy for free. I married that slow guys dumb niece for money I think was too little. Atleast you got rid of your problem. I got money and problem for life. So shut up and do your share of work!"

As per the custom Amani stayed at her father's house in Udupi to deliver the baby.When parting she told Raja to start the construction work on their land, which now was officially theirs and to stick to the lie that the house was for one of his friends who lived in Dubai. She called Raja when he was in school from a booth near her house in Udupi. She gave him the name and number of a lawyer who did the paper work on their land and the property Jakamma owned. It was Raja's uncle who had said,"It is not hers. Its ancestral Amani. Why are you letting it go? For all she has done take your share nothing wrong in it. Atleast you will use it for your good!" And that had been it Amani from then on had sketched a plan that she made Raja implement.

Jakamma's curiosity by now had increased and one day she could not stop herself from prying and wandered down to the place of construction. She spoke to some guys who said the same lie that Raja had told them. Unable to believe Jakamma went back to her home. She later sent her elder son Mr. Hebbar, Sudha's husband, to talk to his uncle about the land. His uncle could not resist the taste of vengeance and told the same lie that Raja had told him.Unconvinced Jakamma decided to ignore the matter for now and waited for the news.

The phone rang and the bad news was delivered. "Its a girl," Sudha said with a grin on her face. "Oh! I am ill fated. Raja is unlucky," Jakamma wailed the minute she heard the news. Jakamma was mad with fury and she decided to not invite Amani to the house nor did she ask Raja to go and get her. After waiting for four months Amani's father dumped his daughter and the grand child in Ratadi. Amani reluctantly entered the house. No one welcomed her. She went straight upstairs to her room.

Within two hours Sudha came knocking to the door and asked her to come and help her in the work. Amani refused. Jakamma was called. When Jakamma entered Amani's room she was shocked. Amani had not unpacked anything. In fact except the bed there was nothing else in the room. To Jakamma it seemed like Amani was either waiting for someone or was out of her mind. Jakamma had enough she yelled at Amani,"What are you waiting for? You husband. That fool will not come till evening. What will you do till then? Leave the baby with other children and get up to do the work."

Amani heard everything and said nothing.She had called Raja at school before leaving Udupi. She had told him what to do. She was scared a bit but it was time. She knew it was now or never.

Jakamma lost her patience she looked for something in the room to grab and hit Amani with. When Jakamma could not find anything she raised her hand. But before she could reach Amani, Amani got up, took her child and her bag, pushed Sudha and Jakamma and walked straight out of the door and down the stairs. Jakamma and Sudha kept looking at each other and Amani in shock.

Furious, Jakmma yelled at Amani,"Eh where are you going. Wait. I will teach you a lesson." Just when she went running behind her down the stairs she saw Raja waiting for Amani with cops. The cops were terrified to see a lady in her late seventies try to hit a woman much younger and stronger than her. One of the cop wondered,"The women in this country respect elders and hence keep quiet. What if this woman retaliated and kicked her. The old lady would be vegetable within minutes." The thought made the cop laugh.

The moment Jakamma saw the cops she started to wail and cry. She said,"Police have come to this temple of mine. Never before. Never did police enter. They stood outside. They are inside. All because of this witch. She hypnotized my son and wooed him away from me by using black magic.She should be arrested and put in jail" She knew and the cops knew that her story was not true.

The cops waited for her to stop howling. Then one of the cops walked up to her and said,"Madam this property in ancestral and you have done some things which we found inappropriate. We cannot help people who signed papers in the past when your husband died but with your sons you will have to divide the property equally."

For a minute Jakamma did not know what to say. Sudha broke the silence, she went,"I bore her a grand son. We should get more of the share." "Sorry madam," the cop said,"According to the law girls born after 1950's have equal share in the ancestral property." "Anyways we are not here to explain law to you. We are here to assist your son to move out of this house safely with his wife to his new home downhill and to get you to sign papers the lawyers have prepared. We cannot force you to sign but you have to sign. We will leave the papers with you and collect it from you within a week. If you don't sign within a week then we might have to arrest you."

And saying so the cop looked at Raja, Amani and the child and said,"Let's go." Silently they all left.

A week later Amani heard from the cop that Jakamma had locked herself in the room after signing the papers. "She is not drinking or eating. God knows what will happen." Surprisingly Amani did not feel bad. According to her she had done the right. A month later news came that Jakamma had suffered a stroke and wanted to see her son and grand daughter. Amani was not called for. Within a few days Jakamma died.

Mr.Hebbar remained neutral to his wife and his brother's family.When confronted he smiled and at functions he blessed his brother's family. He would always say,"Don't tell anyone that I talk to you. Sudha will not like it." Sudha along with her five daughters and one son continued to give Amani cold shoulder.

For Amani it did not matter as to who loved her or detested her. She was just happy that it was all over. She was indeed living her dream. She loved her daughter and did things that she was not able to do as a child. She learnt to ride bicycle, do embroidery, and best of all visited her mother whenever her father was not home. She feared none and loved her house and family.

To live a better life she opened her own tailoring shop and made good money which she used to fulfill her desire of seeing places she had never seen before. Initially Raja came with her but then his frail health made it difficult for him to travel too much. So she travelled with her daughter and a friend from the same village who was a widow and worked at her shop for reasonable amount of money.

Amani today is very happy and content in her small home which she has managed to fill with love. She supports herself and shares the house burdens with her husband. She teaches her daughter that men and women are same. She uses love and not fear to get things done. She keeps everyone happy and now she actually has come to love Raja's weird grin.

Although she does sometimes think of Prakash she still feels that her choice of heaven over hell was a wise one.

And now when she dreams, she dreams of Raja and her daughter, Swati hugging her tight. And when she does open her eyes she is glad to see Raja and Swati actually hugging her tight, very tight.

Sharada

"Do you know to cook?" asked the hefty man. Sharada nodded her head and said,"Yes." "Do you know to sew?" "Yes," replied Sharda. "Hmmm, Come stand next to my brother," ordered the hefty man. Sharada obediently stood up next to the bride hunter. Everyone observed and then there was quick murmur. Soon after which the hefty man said to Sharada, "Now you can go." Without saying a word Sharada left.
Sharada, was the eldest of six children. Her father, Mr.Hebbar was a teacher/farmer in Ratadi, a small village near Mangalore. He had married Sharada's mother, Sudha when he was eighteen and she was eight. Sudha was very beautiful and Mr.Hebbar took lot of pride in showing her off. He had always wanted to have a boy first, like all of his other cousins, but Sudha seemed to deliver only girls. This upset him and his widowed mother Jakkama, who micro-managed both Mr. Hebbar and his brother, her two proud possessions. Her sons had practically no say in anything.

Though widowed at an early age Jakkama had managed to take care of the 22 acre property and protect it from the likes of hounds and vultures of her relatives. She was the first in her village to have protested against shaving her head after the death of her husband and had gone one step ahead by getting police help to protect herself from her nasty relatives. Jakamma was fiercely territorial and dominating. Since the entire property was in her name both her sons feared her.

After four girls Jakamma had given up on Mr.Hebbar and was now banking on her younger son to produce her an heir. Her younger son Raja was "RAJA" only for namesake. He was terribly slow at everything. The only thing he was good at was teaching English. Jakkama was smart. She decided to send Raja for a B.Ed course in Mangalore city. When Raja was to graduate she donated a large sum of money to the local government school and in return asked them to hire her son Raja as a teacher.The school head master was more than happy to accommodate Raja for the kind of money Jakamma offered him. As soon as he was appointed teacher Jakamma went bride hunting.

Mr.Hebbar by then was so worried that he tried to have a boy for the fifth time. Sudha was tired of pushing babies and when she pushed her daughter out for the fifth time she lost consciousness. Sudha's parents were worried but Mr.Hebbar was adamant. The news of another grand daughter ticked Jakamma off and for a year Jakamma forbade Mr.Hebbar from visiting his wife.

But somehow Mr.Hebbar sneaked out and got Sudha pregnant for the sixth time and this time he was satisfied with the result. He finally had a son and Sharada along with her four sisters had a brother. Jakamma was ecstatic and invited Sudha back home with great pomp.They named the boy Raghu.

Meanwhile Jakamma continued to look for brides for her beloved son Raja.The whole village knew that Raja was a little slow and hence were reluctant to give their daughter to him in marriage. Moreover Jakamma was a renowned snob who hardly had any well wishers. Time went by and Raja was now thirty, too old for his age as Jakamma used to complain, and Sharada was eighteen. Jakamma now had a plan she decided to go for an exchange offer. She said,"Let's find a family with a brother and a sister. The boy can marry Sharada and the girl can marry Raja. That way we won't spend too much on the wedding and both parties will be happy."

Mr.Hebbar loved the plan and told the marriage broker about it. The broker went,"Hebbar sir, now a days boys look for educated girls.You people live in sixteenth century. How can I get good boys for Sharada? Plus she is dark. You know how boys like fair and lovely girls." To this Mr.Hebbar replied,"Tell the boy I will give fifteen thousand ruppees and 21 savran gold to my daughter and the girl who marries Raja can come without any dowry." The broker found the answer satisfactory and left groom/bride hunting.

Sharada heard her father bribe the broker and felt bad. She went and stood in front of the mirror. By all means she thought she was pretty. But then she felt who does not feel pretty? It is the groom who needs to feel the same. She continued to stare at the mirror. She noticed that she had big eyes just like that of her mother's, in fact she had inherited all the sharp features from her mother. It was just the color and the world gnawed at that. People said,"What's the use even if she is beautiful? She is bloody dark!" Jakkamma had once said none of the five girls were pretty only Raghu the boy was the best! And everyone including Sharada had believed it.

Time passed and now Sharada was twenty the panic in the family increased. Jakkama was worried more about Raja than Sharada. Then one day a miracle happened. A man thirteen years older to Sharada came to see her.The man's name was Umanatha, aka Ummi mama.

My mother's favorite brother. He was fair like milk, tall and extremely good looking. He was the youngest of ten siblings. My mother once told me that by the time my grandmother had him she was forty and my grandfather fifty three. When Ummi mama reached age twelve both his parents were dead and all his siblings married. Infact he had a niece who was three years younger to him. All through his life everyone tried to be nice to him but he felt neglected. He had discontent against all something he never expressed.

He was an innocent orphan my mother said and hence loved unconditionally by all. He asked for money and his sisters including my mother would sneak some from their spouses and give it to him. For all in my mother'side of the family he was a 'Rockstar.' He was not the brightest in school and had managed to graduate with a bachelors in Commerce. His brothers insisted that he find a government job but Umanatha wanted to start his own business. He said,"Unlike you all I will be working for myself. I will be my own boss. And textile market is emerging. I will prosper and soon be rich. In a few years you will all be asking for money from me." This pretty much had ended the debate and Umanatha very soon became a business man.

Five years after he started his business Umanatha realized that he was not making much profit and he went into depression. He made some bad choices. "It was not him. Our Ummi won't do it ever. No, No. It was bad, very bad company you know," explained my mother's eldest sister to my mother.

It was an open secret to all that he had a secret life where apparently he smoked, spent time with 'you know who's' to make up his 'not so exciting and poor life.' But no one would believe it other than people outside the family. It was fine that he did things because according to his siblings he was an orphan. An orphan who had been tempted by the broker to marry Sharada.

"Money, Umanatha, money," the broker had said. "Think about it you can start your own business and have two more buffaloes, buy a separate land and build your own house. You will not have to live with you brother and his family anymore."Umanatha had loved the idea. Some more money and a new truck business, he thought would give him another chance to make it big!

Umanatha convinced his brother, eldest sister, and sister-in-law who accompanied him to see Sharada. Sharada all the while through the Q&A session kept quiet and not once saw the groom. When the brother of the groom checked the height everyone in the room nodded head in agreement. Umanatha's eldest sister went,"Nice girl. Little dark but nice. I am happy." The brother asked Umanatha and Umanatha nodded his head and said,"Yes."

Once inside her room Sharada peeped out to see her would-be. Ummi mama was a good looking man and at the time when Sharada was twenty, to her every man looked like the kannada super hero Rajkumar. Her heart beat faster when her eyes met his. It was then that she saw his eyes did not have the same excitement. His eyes looked vexed by her sight. She wondered why? Was it the way she walked? Talked? She decided not to think too much about it.

Meanwhile Jakamma had heard that Umanatha had a niece who could be a good suit for Raja. Umanatha said," I will convince my sister if you agree to give me thirty instead of fifteen." First time in her life Jakamma said a Yes without any protest. Amani, Raja's would be wife hated her father's decision. But he had beaten her and her mother black and blue for protesting. He had said,"Whore, I will kill you! This man is marrying you for free. Do you realize you have three more sisters waiting behind you to get married? Then there is your brother who needs to do engineering. Marry this boy. So what if he is slow he will some day inherit eleven acres of the rich soil."

She had no choice but to marry the slow guy. In one way she was happy that she was marrying a slow guy. She planned and vowed to control him and lead a life of a queen, unlike her mother whom her father abused every single day. Anything was better than this rat hole she thought! So it happened. Sharada married Umanatha and on the very same evening Raja married Amani.

I now had a new aunt Sharada who was five years older to my sister and thirteen years younger to my uncle. Within a month of their marriage my uncle fought with his brother and asked for division of the entire property. The decision hurt my eldest uncle so bad that he later died of a broken heart. As soon as the division happened people started taking sides. My mother took one but I chose not to. For me they were all part of my family in Mangalore which I visited once in three years from Mumbai.I loved them all.

For Umanatha things were looking up. He had all the hilly property with cashew trees in his name. He also got some cash and jewelry from marrying Sharada which he planned to use to build his dream house and invest in his new business. Whenever short of money or material he would send Sharada to Ratadi, to her parents, to get money or buffaloes which he domesticated in his back yard for milk. No questions asked, Sharada's parents politely obliged. All they wanted was Sharada to be happy and if that meant giving away some money then they were fine with it. Mr.Hebbar borrowed some from local lenders promising to repay as soon as Jakkama died, which of course was not to happen soon. But then what did the lender know? He had no clue that seventy eight year old Jakkama would live to be a hundred and that Mr.Hebbar would leave the earthly miseries before Jakamma would.

Mr.Hebbar's strategy was not long term but it worked like a charm when needed, meet everyone's need and kept everyone happy. Umanatha used the money to plant, mallige, the expensive flower in Mangalore, and sold them and made some good money. He had three buffaloes, that grazed freely on the hills and gave twelve liters of milk three times a day, which kept Umanatha happy if not for long then momentarily.

As for Sharada the very first day of her married life she had enjoyed waking up in a joint family, the way she always had. Umanatha's sister-in-law and Sharada had struck good rapport. In fact Umanatha's sister in law doted on Sharada.But then Umanatha had told Sharada,"No, dumb lady you don't understand. She is trying to fool you to get your jewelry. Don't get involved too much with her and importantly don't believe her. We will be anyways leaving soon. I have had enough of this home and the people who live in it.We will go to the hill and build a palace of our own." Sharada nodded her head and said,"Yes." Next day onwards Sharada stayed in her room as instructed by Umanatha and Soon Sharada found herself building the new home on a hill top. Brick by brick she worked with the rest of the workers under the scorching sun. She cooked for close to thirty people three times a day. She slept in the small room squeezing herself to make room for her giant husband.

Her job was extremely back breaking. Much more than what she was accustomed to do. With guests Sharada's work only quadrupled. She toiled non stop like an ant. She slept three to four hours and worked the rest of the time. I was helpless because the kind of work she did was extremely hard for me to assist her with. But the one thing I noticed about her was that inspite of all the work she had to do she always managed to have a smile painted on her face. She always cooked something special for every one. She played with us, took us boys and girls who would crash her home on vacation for small walks.

I still remember the time when she was pregnant with her first child. Umanatha did not let her go home for delivery because it was harvest season. Sharada silently obeyed and had Vandana, her daughter, while pulling water from a fifty feet deep well. Umanatha admitted later that he had made a mistake by demanding the rocky part of the property. He said that he did so because he thought that the cashew trees would help him make a fortune. He whined that the motor on the well did not work because there was no electricity half the time in his part of the hill. He explained once to my father that rain in the hilly area was scarce. He went on to say that when it did rain in the god forsaken hills most of the water seeped deep down into the earth. Hence the fifty feet deep well.

Life moved on. Sharada got used to her donkey life. Within two years of having Vandana and losing a baby in between she then had a son which made Ummi mama very proud. But by then he had sunk deeper into alcohol and women. He had spent all the money and resources on businesses that failed miserably. Sharada knew it all but as a good wife chose to mask all her problems with a smile. She once mentioned to me,"Promise not to tell anyone. Your uncle came so drunk the other night that he took names, of girls I do not know. I feel bad Roopa. What do I do?" As a thirteen year old I did not know what to say I smiled and I said mama loved her and I loved her. For that I got a sweet hug.That was the last I remember of her.

Soon after that I was back in Mumbai attending school and for years I did not go back to Mangalore because my father had lost his job and meeting day to day needs was difficult so there was no chance that we would travel all the way to Mangalore in years to come. My mother used to call Umanatha regularly but with time even phone calls became scarce. Later my sisters got married, I went to college and with time moved to Bangalore for a job.

It was in summer of 2003 or so I do not remember when? I came home from work and got a call on my mobile from my mother. She seemed to be a nervous wreck. She cried with big sobs and said,"Umantha is gone." For a minute I was shocked that he was dead. I asked,"How did he die." My mother replied,"No,No,he is not dead. He ran away."

Apparently Ummi mama had debts from his other life which he could not repay and to save his face he deserted his home, his village. He had gone missing, overnight! He had come home one evening early from work and forced Sharada to choose and like all other times she chose not to choose and silently followed. She was forced to desert her home, her belongings, her memories, everything. When I heard all this the only thought I had was,"God give Sharada the courage to deal with the situation." She for me was the most innocent and genuinely gullible woman that I had ever come across. I closed my eyes and I wept. Not for mama but for Sharada.

Initially all of the brothers and sisters cried and created hullabaloo over Umanatha but eventually they all toned down and blamed themselves for the situation. One of my mother's sister went,"There were signs you know. We missed it." Other brother went,"He is an asshole." But they all missed him from the bottom of their hearts. For me it was not my mama it was Sharada, my loving aunt who had been forced to live a life of seclusion and for what? Who's mistakes? Her children were young they would adapt but what about her? From Jakkamma to Umanatha every one of them took decisions for her and she obeyed it. Without any grouse she followed every single instruction to the end. No one asked her anything. What she thought, or how she felt? She was expected to follow and for that I felt bad for her and I missed her very much.

Once they were gone we heard rumors about why Umanatha had done what he did. I ignored them and went on with life. But a few years later something strange happened. I accidentally met Sharada at a wedding.I was ecstatic to see her but she seemed to avoid me. I followed her and I asked,"Is that it? Years of memories gone? Just like that? Is that it maami." The moment she heard it she started to cry. Even when crying she seemed to be looking for her husband. She was scared that he might see her with me and then beat her. She saw me with tears in her eyes.

I can never forget that sight. The pain her eyes expressed, the misery they talked about. Those eyes said she was sorry,that she missed me and her life in those hills. They told me that she wanted to talk but she could not because she was scared. Her eyes said it all. They begged me to leave. To not ask anything. Just to leave. Those eyes promised me that things will be fine. Someday everything will be fine but for now her eyes asked me to leave.

I read and heard it all. My heart ached and I wanted to believe her but I knew that for her there was no coming back. That things will never be the same again.That it was all over, for her and for me. Not knowing what to do next I saw those eyes and her for one last time. I touched her feet from where I was standing and did what she had asked me to do.

With tears in my eyes and fond memories of her in my heart, I walked away.
Yes, I walked away from her, my dearest, beloved maami, Sharada, forever!

Asmi

A Guru once asked his pupil,"Who are you?" and the pupil replied,"Aham Bramhasmi!" A literal translation of "Aham Bramhasmi," would be,"I am a Brahman." But then there is deeper a meaning to it than that. There are several versions. I googled them all and tried to understand the true meaning. Some of them explained it well and some did not. There are so many  things that mesmerize me and I wonder will I be ever able to understand them all? I do not know. But I keep trying. My interest in Hindu Philosophy was not always this deep. Like all other people I had a normal life till one day my sister played a prank on me.

Every night my sisters took turns to tell me story in bed. My elder sister aka my other mother told me lovely stories where as the middle one made it a point to make them all scary. That particular night it was my middle sister's turn and she told me a story in which a lot of people died. As soon as she finished narrating the story I asked her whether someday I would die too? My middle sister got excited when I asked this question. She said,"Yes, you, I, mom, dad all of us would die soon, very soon." I found her answer to be unfathomable and extremely disturbing.

That night I just could not sleep. I kept thinking of death. It scared me so much that the next day  I clung on to my parents like gum and they would  not understand why? I stopped sleeping at night and started going to the bathroom several times. I stopped studying and shivered for no good a reason. My parents at that point were so concerned about me that they decided to take me to the doctor. They asked me the reason and I never mentioned my sisters name. Why? Because I am a fiercely loyal person. I do talk a lot but there are some secrets that I will carry to my grave no matter what. And this was one of them. I loved my sisters. I worshipped the ground they walked. They were a decade older to me and I always tried to fit in among them. Which the middle one hated me the most for.

For seven years she had been the younger one and then I had come along. A doll that would not be returned. She was prettier than the both of us and hence commanded more love and respect from my parents. To be honest I have no fond memories of her. All I remember is the prank she played on me and the fights we had that too the loud ones. And every time my parents sided with her. Why? I do not know. Maybe because she was prettier than the rest of us, or maybe because they had an intuition that she would not live long. I never asked them because it would hurt them too much.

Nevertheless our family doctor, Dr.Shenoy checked me and wrote a few medications that dealt with my loose bladder. But the shivering he said he had no clue about and pointed out that it could be due to some psychological fear. He said give her confidence, read her some books that instill courage in the young. As soon as we reached home my mother read a stotra/hymn  from a religious book for me. She explained its meaning which after I grew up I realized was wrong. But at the time those hymns gave me the much needed satisfaction. I started learning them and began my journey on the spiritual and religious path.

In fact later in college I would take sanskrit as my second language to thoroughly understand Hindu scriptures. Apparently the teachers who taught sanskrit  admitted that Sanskrit was a dying language and  there was not much they could do to help me. They said go to Banares. There you will find help. For an eighteen year old the advice  to go to Banaras was insanely stupid. I knew and they knew that it would not happen not at least at that age. Somehow life went on till the tragic death of my middle sister. The drama that followed her death changed my life forever. I indulged more and more into understanding life, death and life after death.  I looked for the meaning of death. I met some people who could talk to the dead. That never happened, of course. I would sometimes dream of my sister generally on my birthdays and wake up only to find that it was just a dream and things would never change. The feeling left me bitter and miserable.

To find peace I started following Swami Vivekananda and Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa. I read all their teachings on possibly everything. Vivekananda impressed me so much that I was determined to give up college and become a nun in some Ashram near Saligrama in Mangalore, India. My mother panicked and begged my father to talk to me. My father attained his sainthood the moment he married my mother and his silence grew with the demise of his favorite child, my middle sister. His heart was broken and he chose not to be the bad guy. He had lost interest in us. For him we died along with his dearest daughter. So my mother ended up doing the dirty job.

She tried stick, verbal abuse, but nothing worked. She said she was sure that I would have the same fate as that of my sister. A statement that hurt and disgusted me but I bore it all in silence. I used silence to rebel against her, my mother. I sought love which she did not bestow me with. I tried all I could to keep her happy. I earned money when I was fifteen to support the family, I scored good grades, I cooked, I cleaned, I washed clothes, but nothing pleased her. She downright hated me. She blamed me for her misery and pain, for her fathers decision to marry her off when she was nineteen to a man twelve years older than her. Oh! The blame was endless.

At times when the pain and abuse became unbearable I visited my eldest and only surviving sister and shared my pain with her. She was lucky to have a kid and a job. It deviated her attention. For me I was stuck with a father who refused to leave his silos and a mother who removed her hate and anger on me, her youngest burden.

What helped me survive was my never ending rendevouz with spirituality. I managed to keep balance in life by reading Ramaraksha stotra book which the father of a friend of mine had gifted to me after pitying on my condition. He had said that I would find inner strength by reading it.

I started reading the book and went round and round Gods in temples. I believed in all and did everything I could. But I never found solace in any of it. The moment I found peace something or the other would turn up and I would again enter the state of imbalance.

Then one day when I was feeling down I met two people from Ramakrishna Ashrama who were selling a few magazines. Initially I turned them away but then they said something about my life that made me let them inside the house. With them I discussed about life and death. The man;from the man and woman duo sales team mentioned,"What is death but a long sleep from where there is no return." I said,"Its easy to say that but the questions that haunt you, after the death of a loved one and the "why me" thought is just unbearable!" The woman replied,"Madam, we all feel like we are the center of the cosmos. Hence why me?" She continued," We all have Karmas. From this birth and the past. Some actions can be related to what happened in this birth some cannot. If we try to find answer for every single question then who know's may be we will end up opening can of worms that will only worsen our situation."

My mother who had been sitting quiet throughout the conversation broke her silence and said," It is my ill luck. My daughter was so beautiful. I must have done something wrong. Its me! Its me!" She started crying silently with a few sighs in between. To that the man replied,"Never blame yourself madam. Things happen. These experiences have to make us strong and not weaken us. If we become weak then how will other people live.? Look at this twenty year old daughter of yours aspiring for higher studies, your other daughter who has a child. Life is not over your job is not done. The day your job is done you will not be around. We are all born for a reason."

He continued by saying,"Has not Krishna in Gita said Karmanye Vadhikaraste Ma faleshu Kadachana? Do your duty and leave rest to God. Do good karma in this birth so that your next birth takes you one step closer to salvation."He said,"Look at people less fortunate than you and you will appreciate life." The conversation went on for sometime after that. I subscribed for the magazine and my mother criticized me for that,"Waste money. You earn, you waste. Who am I to say anything in this house?" Followed by silence that sometime went on for a few days.

For me the conversation was new learning, a wake up call.

"How true I wondered?" As an adult and an individual I had a choice to make. I could either dig a hole and sulk in it for the rest of my life or get up, let go of past and live a life which will help me help myself and others who are less fortunate than I.

Some questions I understood were better left alone. I realized that as the sales woman had mentioned, the answers to the questions only made things worse. I was keen to walk the path of recovery. A journey I knew would not be easy.

And it was not. It was painful and agonizing but the will to change was too strong. I climbed the mountains and crossed the sea. I drowned and I gasped for breath. But when I did reach the destination I realized that I was a new person with new goals and aspirations. I did not win life, I dicovered no one can, so I negotiated with it.

I understood that I could not control life but I could experience things in life. I realized that the universe responded to me. So I sent a positive vibration to the universe in order to get a positive vibration back. I decided to forgive and forget. I started with forgiving my sister.

I forgave her for what she did to me and my family. I respected her choice and I stopped probing. This released a big burden off of my shoulders. Then I forgave my mother. I forgave her for her actions towards me. It's not easy to forgive or forget. In fact its easy to forgive and very hard to forget. But I tried and am still trying. I am not yet done but I will be there just where I ought to be because now I know when the Guru asked, "Who are you?" the student replied,"..........................Aham Brahmasmi!"Meaning,"I am the manifestation of God."

Which also means that I and only I have the will and power to change, to do good, bad or ugly, to live or to die, to fight or to compromise, to sulk or, to be happy.

For what is happiness but a state of mind? For what is desire but root cause of sorrow? For what do I own that I fear to loose? For what did I bring with me that I will take back with me? For my doings/karma of this birth is explained in this birth and the ones that cannot be justified are from the doings of some other birth. For my body is a tool and my human birth a blessing. For I will use this body as tool to help my soul attain salvation, to be one with the Almighty.

For who am I? Aham Brahmasmi. The manifestation of God.

Investor conference

Every time my advisor calls me to attend a conference he arranges I go,"Um! Ah! I have school, you know. Let me ask Chethan (that's my hubby)." I stall forever and then the advisor goes,"Anyways Roopali try your best." Relieved that I do not have to re-schedule my meeting I say,"Thank God!"
However this time the advisor called Chethan who ranted out,"Sure why not I will be at work but wifey will make it since she has spring break." Ever seen two trains collide head on? Well that's what happened with us. The moment he opened the door I yelled from inside,"I ain't going." No response. Again I yelled,"I said I am not going." For that Chethan stopped, turned and yelled back,"Then rot in hell." Silence followed the entire evening. Dinner happened in graveyard silence followed by my banging of the bedroom door and going to deep sleep. I woke up in the night to pee and found Chethan missing. I knew our other bedroom was getting used. It always does whenever he snores or we fight. Anyways the next day I found myself sitting in the conference and waiting for food. Chethan joined me soon enough and we were busy profiling people sitting around us. We saw all sorts of people. Couples in their mid sixties, young couples in their 40's, single men and women, and then there was us. Since our advisor is an Indian majority of the audience was obviously Indian. The conference was in a Chinese restaurant and smell of the food was killing me. Worms in my tummy demanded food so I approached the advisor and asked him if I could get any? The advisor ordered the waiter to send some food onto my table. Suddenly everyone was hungry and the subject moved from introductions to eating food. It is then that the advisor realized it was time to get everyone's attention and started the conference.
The speaker was a representative from Riversource which is a subsidiary of Ameriprise. He was selling a new fund of Riversource which invested in emerging markets but mainly European developed country bonds. He did a good job of explaining about the fund, the current state of economy, and how it would be wise to invest in such funds that will help an investor's money grow. All through the time I listened passively and actively stuffed my mouth with Chinese food. I loved every morsel I ate. The main reason I did not pay much attention is because my MBA is in that particular field and most of the stuff that the advisor spoke about, I already knew. And the ones I did not know my brain soaked it in like a sponge.

In addition to the speech itself there were a bunch of men who amused me along with Chethan. Their questions were just out of the world. There is this tendency I have seen among some Indian men to flaunt   that they know everything and better that happens among all audience is that each one asks the same questions every few minutes. There was this situation where the  speaker was talking about bonds and DESI #1 (that's what I would like to address the gentlemen who asked the question) asked,"What is the risk of buying a California State Bond?" The speaker answered that there is no California state bond. The regions generally issue bonds." The follow up question then was,"Since CA is bankrupt if I buy bonds will I get money back?" The speaker answered a state can never go bankrupt they have to pay money at all times. Generally if there is no money the state issues, "I owe You's" and forgoes interest at times and pays the bond back at face value.
I understand that  DESI #1 did not understand the concept and kudos to him for asking but then he kept asking the same question in active as well as passive voice. Once he was finished asking a few more gentlemen asked the same question again after every fifteen minutes. This frustrated me and maybe the speaker but the speaker never expressed his emotions since he is a marketer and has the patience for it but I do not. That's when I wanted to stop munching and ask the guy to "shut-up." Of course I never did.

 Then there was this other DESI #2 who asked,"What is the best way of getting information about best funds and investing." The speaker goes,"Find an advisor." The DESI #2 goes,"That I will do. But what are the other ways,like, so is there a software, magagine...(no its not a typo, that's how he pronounced it). It was outright cheap since the speaker said," Yes, there are ways but we are not here to suggest that? Are we?" In spite of the clear sarcasm DESI#2 went on and on. Finally the best instance was when a self proclaimed I know-it DESI #3 went,"I understand all that but how does dollar affect all this?" Speaker goes,"All what? Why will dollar affect all that?" "And what is that?" DESI #3 goes,"You know all that, bonds and real estates.." I read in this book, that author, what not.....Blah....blah... My question to DESI #3,"If you know it all why are you here?" You probably did something technical in life leave finance to the guys who know it. Or if you know all then go get a life... Why waste other's time.. Very few people in there came with the intention to hire the services of an advisor. Most of them were there to get something for free, discounts or understand real estate. It pains me to see that the speaker mentioned later to the advisor that most people there were free riding. I have no problem with that. Hiring services of an advisor is a matter of prudent choice. It involves a lot of thinking and weighing pros and cons. But when in a conference asking questions that make sense or nonsense is perfectly valid. Not everyone knows everything. I personally feel no question is stupid. But there is a limit to everything. Listening, speaking, behaving, everything. It can get overwhelming for a speaker to just hear the same question every ten minutes, get squeezed as much as possible for free information, in addition to that get attitude from people who think they know it all but actually don't.
It is easy for a speaker to use the opportunity to make fool of the person who thinks he knows it all and use him as an example. But the speaker does not. No sane person would. Of course it would not help the speaker to waste energy on such listeners who attend conferences only to prove they know it all. What should a speaker do in such situations? In the conference I attended the speaker showed utmost patience. I bet by the time he retires he would end up with high blood pressure. But that's what he signed up for and  I guess there will always be people who will annoy speakers and become fodder to people who sit among them and use them to amuse themselves. The way Chethan and I did.
Honestly the conference was good with a few people asking some real good questions. This is what I guess kept the speaker going. For the rest who were there for the sake of being there did provide good entertainment but ultimately the question they have to ask themselves is,"Do I make sense to myself?" "If I know it all then why am I still doing the same thing I started doing ten years ago." Things are there for a reason, people are there for a reason. If every one knew it all then ignorance would be bliss and knowledge worthless. Annoyance is best understood when practiced on oneself. I guess that's why I joined Toastmaster's to understand what I was and how it feels to be bombarded with questions that make absolutely no sense.
At the end there will always be people. Some who make sense and some who do not. I can't avoid them or conferences that Chethan signs us up for. The best I can do is use such individuals to entertain myself and blog about and the best would be to not be like them. A lesson totally valuable.