Ajja

A rational and logical mind knows that there is a body and then there is a soul and that there is no death to a soul. Heart, on the other hand contradicts every single theory and goes square one to the fact that I will never be ever able to see him again. At this point I would want to mention a story about a spiritual guru who was a renowned Yogi, someone who had won control over all of his senses. In order to enter life of spirituality the Yogi had renounced all materialistic things that included his wife and only son. As it so happens in life the Yogi's son one fine day died of an unknown disease. Hearing this news the Yogi broke into tears. The sight of which left his pupils wondering whether the Yogi had indeed obtained control over all of his senses? Unable to control his curiosity one of the Yogi's pupil asked the Yogi as to how could he who had control on all of his senses succumb to the news of his sons death? For which the Yogi replied,"Student I may have won control over the senses but this is my son's death that has happened. My mortal body for a moment lost its control and hence these tears." So saying the Yogi went ahead with the preparation of his son's funeral.

The reason I mentioned this story is to relate my experience with my grandfather's death. He was my grandfather not in one but many ways. From what I have heard and known my grandmother was his sister's daughter, his daughter married my mother's brother and my sister and couple of first and second cousins married his brother's sons. Everytime he saw me he would go,"I am uncle to your grand mother, mother, and you." That always aroused my curiosity and he had the time and patience to explain the relationships in detail. He lived in a place called "Kukkehalli" a place we religiously visited whenever in Udupi. He loved all. He hardly had any reservations about people visiting his home. He would pile us all children up and play games, find out what we liked to eat and personally cook it for us, tell stories, jokes, and look after us.

In my life time I only saw my father's mother and that too couple of times till her death in the year 1997. She was blind and not much of fun. Well one cannot help it if one is blind. It creates a lot of constraints plus she lived with her daughters who always had issues with people visiting them. I remember my grandmother calling me and measuring me with her hands. And after that she would go about her business and we would go about ours. End of story but with Narayan Ajja it was not like that. He was a different grandfather someone way ahead of time. He did not judge people. He knew people had opinions and was superbly adaptable to changing times. He was also an amazingly good match maker. He knew what girls would end up good with what boys. Call it probability or telepathy but he did a swell job as far as making pairs was concerned.

He was 95 years old when he passed away on Monday evening. But his spirits were that of a twenty year old. He was so savvy and unlike so many other old people who are more concerned about gossip and sarcasm he was keen to learn new things and technology. Till his last breath he never burdened anyone with anything. He did all his business himself and took lot of pride in it.

Last December 2010 I decided to visit him. I had not seen him since my wedding in 2006. I had this nagging feeling that if I did not see him then, then I would never be able to see him ever again. I wanted to meet him, take his pictures and so I did. I spent one entire day with him talking about life here in the US, technology and so many other things. When it was time to say bye I told him I would come again to invite him for my son's bramho-upadesam. At which he asked,"Are you pregnant?" I denied and snickered. His intentions were good. He wanted to see everyone happy. I told him that I mentioned about the ceremony to indicate that he would live that long at which he nodded his head and said,"We will see." Its like he knew he was done.

Of course I came back to the US. Got busy with things I do and then I heard that he was gone. For a minute my world stopped spinning but then come to think of it he had a good long life. He lived it to the fullest. In fact he outlived his brothers, son, two son-in-laws and a grand child. His life was complete. He always said that he never took anything to his head and maybe that is a secret to his long life. Whatever happened for him was God's will. He went up and down the hill ten times a day, ate in moderation, slept well and took life the way it came. No fuss, no pomp, no glory, no complaints, no jealousy, no anger. Just him and his life. He kept his mind busy with devotional songs and made a lot of wicks. He gave himself no time to sulk about life or anyone. Well that's a lot to learn from a man who was born in 1918, had hardly any education and lead life in poverty for majority of his life.

So when I look back at his life and its influence on me I know I have got yet a lot to learn. He was special to me and to a many of us who knew him. He knew us all by first names, knew who liked what especially in my case he knew I loved something called Jiguje and made it a point to cook it for me whenever it was in season. I mean who does that in today's world. Very few people around us are so good natured. Everyone in today's world even before saying hello wants to know if the other person is in a worse condition that theirs so that they can secretly rejoice the feeling. Its shameful that world has boiled down to this and it hurts me even more to see people around me including me sometimes behave in such vicious manner.

Even though on one hand my mind knows just like that of the Yogi that my ajja's soul is in heaven and that he will always be with me on the other hand my mortal heart is heavy with grief and sadness of the fact that his glorious life has ended and what I will have left from now on is only pictures and memories. So here I am trying to console my heart with my mind's logical part. I fail miserably! Maybe I should stop trying and let out the emotions but I believe that if one cries for someone then the tears make the heart stop beating for that person. So I will hold on to that thought till I play and replay his life over and over in my head till I feel yes that's enough and make peace with the death of my beloved ajja and accept his memories and cherish them forever.

For me he was my dearest ajja, the greatest and the best and so shall he will always be.
Dedicated to you: Now and forever. I know know technically you are my uncle but since your grand daughter is my cousin she calls you ajja and so shall I.
Love,
Yours Roopa.

A tear for you with a ton of smiles ;-)

Sister what?

I saw a preview of something called "Sister wives" a few days ago and it roused my curiosity. I ventured more into the matter and realized that it is a reality show about a polygamist somewhere in Utah. In the begining of the series the guy supposedly has three wives and towards the end of the season he takes on another wife. What makes it interesting is the fact that the guy has thirteen children from three wives and the fourth wife brings in an addition of three more children from her previous marriage. The three wives live within the same structure that contains seperate quarters with their own rooms and kitchen. The fourth wife for some reason ends up in a house near by to the husband and his three wives.

When I first saw the series I am ashamed but I should admit that the series fascinated me, totally. It was like getting a glimpse into another world something that does not exactly exist in the life and America I know. The aura of the husband is so mesmerising that at some point I wanted to practically vote in favor of polygamy. Until I saw him posing with his four wives and sixteen children. It was surreal. I mean come on who hasn't read the 19th wife and heard of mormons with multiple wives but to see it as a reality show is ludacris.

To begin with we live in this great country called America where everything is supposed to be hunky dory. And then you see a polygamist and you wonder what bit you so hard that your cry came out a squeal. When the polygamist was asked as to why he featured in the series he mentioned that he wanted to send a message to the world that they were there together as a loving normal family. The wives cooed in unison.

Let me tell you something polygamy is anything but normal. There is a reason why angry wives kill their husbands for cheating on them rather share their husband's penis with the other woman. And not all was well with the sister wives either. Anyone who witnessed the series saw that they were differences among the wife. Especially about the man taking another wife, choosing her dress, kissing her before wedding and god knows what?

Yeah of course who does not bicker. Women bicker all the time. But the big difference is that the women I bicker with are not my husband's wife. I am my husband's wife and will always be or atleast that's what I think. If by any chance I realize his grand plans to be a polygamist or cheat on me I will chop his balls off, deep fry them and feed it to the dogs. Let this blog be a testimony to my thoughts about polygamy.

I know he would never do that. Just the way I would never betray his trust. That is human nature.  But the faith these women believe in tells them that entering polygamy guarantees them first calss suites in heaven. My brain cells fail to contemplate something so far into future. So the question is why is such a faith prevalent in today's world?

The 19th wife mentions how one man professed polygamy as ticket to paradise and ended up marrying over fifty women. Until Ann Eliza rebelled and stood up for her rights. In this land of educated and plenty why would someone want to do things that are hard for majority of us to understand? I mean there are a hundred things to worry about and sixteen children do not make life any easier. Think about the bills to foot, the quarrels to handle, the stress. I have heard men crib about one wife imagine having four of them, each with a baggage of their own.

Recently the family got into trouble because in the state of Utah a man cannot have more than one wife and suddenly the family appeared on TV and justified that he had but only one wife and the others were spiritual union. I hope not many men got to hear that for I am sure many  men will surely want to have  that kind of spiritual union with all kinds of women.

Its not like I have not seen polygamy in India. My grandfather had two wives and many children but it was then and it is now. Then there were things such as need of a male heir, getting daughter married to the same man as the first for lesser money and so on. But not many such problems exist any more and considering inflation it would be insane to have more than one wife unless each one of them had a real income that justified inflation. Which means they would have to work and working does not help pop and cradle innumerable babies whole life.

So how does this guy manage such a big family? Maybe someone should find the numbers out to understand his source of income. The discovery of which will benefit the research as to whether a man works harder to afford more women. However the appeal from the sister wives was very touching. They went,"Leave us alone!" Well ladies you chose to be on TV where millions of highly opinionated people who have nothing good to do and have access to social websites where they post comments to hurt others or pun will comment on you too. This is a price every celebrity or TV star pays in the long run. So quit whining and move on. Better stop portraying polygamy as the thing on TV. Maybe the faith works for you but the thought and idea is outrageous.

We talk about Taliban and how they ill-treat women and have many wives then how different is that from what is going on in this country? Polygamy of all things? Is it healthy for anyone to be showing polygamy when there are bigger problems in the country? Why are the laws so subtle when it comes to dealing with polygamy? Do these women realize the psychological impact of their lifestyle on their children? How do they feel when they see their mother is not the only one their father screws? What is the guarantee that these kids will not be someday obligated to follow their father's path? How would their daughter's feel to be treated as an object and not as a human?

There is an endless list of questions that needs answers and the best solution is to stop the broadcast of the series and better solution is for people to not watch it. There should be stricter laws with absolutely no loop hole that eradicate polygamy from the US.

Unless either of these happens polygamy will always be a subject of endless debate with protagonists of polygamy on one side and antagonists on the other. But something needs to be done before the world realizes about this ugly secret of America and laughs at it saying,"Did I hear you say Sister what?....."

Where do you go?

Adimu, my Kenyan friend always mentioned about the brutal killings that she once witnessed in Rwanda. The sight she said had disturbed her so bad that even to this day she got violent dreams that rendered her paralysed with fear for long durations of time. Adimu worked as a journalist and was deputed to Rwanda on an assignment when the brutal ethnic cleansing began. The Hutu's were behind the blood of the minority Tutsi's, who had controlled power in Rwanda for centuries. No one knows what went wrong where but the genocide that followed created scars in lives of hundreds and thousands of people. Adimu with a grave face mentioned about the bodies she came across while reporting on the genocide. "They were piled up over each other. Heads and legs and hands no body had it all." Apparently what shook her the most was the murder of a woman and her infant. Adimu was riding a jeep with her co workers in broad daylight when they saw a woman come out from a hiding in the bush. She fell right in front of the jeep. Adimu and her friends gave her food and water and asked her where did she want to go? As in what place did she need a drop to be safe? When the woman with the infant heard that question she smirked and replied,"This is my country. My people have lived here for hundreds of years. I was born here. This is where I belong. Where else could I possibly go?"

Saying so she went back into the bushes only to be later caught by the dominating tribe. Adimu was there when she was brought to the city center where all the fifteen men raped her individually one by one then inserted a stick into her vagina until she bled to death. As for her infant they poured kerosene on it and lit it on fire. Right there with hundreds witnessing a woman and a child were torn into rags for one small crime. They were powerless!

Of all the things what intrigued me the most was what the lady said to Adimu and her co workers. "Where could I go?" Seriously think about all the cleansings that have happened across the globe the holocaust, genocide in Cambodia, and other such places. The list is endless. One grows up thinking this is my country, my home this is where I belong and the next minute you know that there are blood thirsty hounds chasing you round the corner because they consider you as an outsider. Every single race has experienced this problem.

My father always talks about the train that brought butchered Indians from Pakistan. The terrible things that happened to either side during the time of partition. How women were raped, men and children killed in the name of religion and land. A feud that is still dividing a lot of people all across the globe. When I faced riots in 1993 in Mumbai, India I wondered what would I do and where would I go if riots broke out in the area we lived. Before until the riots happened I always rememebered people of all religion living together that is next door and being more than tolerant of each other and then one fine day I wake up to see Muslims choosing to live only next door to Muslims and Hindus not passing any where near Muslim areas. For centuries people co existed in India and then life turned a new leaf. Was it for better or for worse I do not know.

When I moved to Mangalore a supposedly peace loving place I was pretty sure I would not have to live in fear the way I did in Mumbai but alas was I in for a shock? Riots broke there too. Infact Mangalore is extremely seggregated where people of one denomination do not I repeat do not just as easily associate with others. Had I not lived and witnessed this myself I would not have been writing this as of now. But that is the harsh reality.

The exodus of the Jews, Indians, Pakistanis, Afghanis and so many others for one reason or other raises a question so what is a place that you belong to? Is it the country where you were born and raised or a country that provides you with refuge? I have always loved and respected Sindhis. These are one group of people who have experienced the worst yet are hardly mentioned in any of the pages of history. Forced to abandon Sindh, which is now a part of Pakistan Sindhis had a long and gruesome journey. Many of them were slaughtered in huge numbers, women raped and murdered yet they reached their destination that is India started their lives all over again and made India their homes and are infact staunch patirots. I am yet to come across a poor Sindhi  and that speaks volumes about their self esteem and determination. They are a close knit group probably because they have been through so much pain that keeps them together. The generation that went through the partition is bitter about having to throw away a good and happy life they had, leave houses they called their own but somehow one way or the other they've moved on.

They chose to find a new land and lead new lives. They went somewhere they were not excited to go. Had they stayed maybe they would have ended up like the woman in Rwanda. But maybe they had a chance unlike the lady in Rwanda and many jews all around the globe who did not. Till date I strongly feel that jews had no idea that concentration camps would ever happen. They probably though they were already living the worst as second class citizen until things hit rock bottom. Again where was the escape when everything was so heavily guarded from all sides and rats everywhere were eager to sell them out. In such a case really where do you go?

So for all the bigwigs who talk about patriotism and valor boundaries are nothing but lines we humans drew and the strong will always strangle the weak. And there will always be maniacs who will talk about intolerance and dream of one religion that is their religion. Maybe as humans with some sense we must try and be vigilent about such things and keep our eyes and ears open and stop believing that it happened to them but it will never happen to us. Of course there is UN but where was UN or the allied force when Hutus slaughtered almost an entire race, where was the help when Cambodia was burning with fire?

As history proves it there are no guarantees. Men from time immemorial have moved around, tried to be eradicated and eliminated but yet we the human race has managed to survive the worst. I wish that the woman and her baby in Rwanda had a chance. Wish things that happened to Jews never happened. But then its all done and thing of a past. So all we can do is remind us of what the woman in Rwanda said, "Where could I possibly go?" Our home is where our heart is! and sometimes home is where we feel safe! But not all exits lead to safe havens. Somewhere the roads will entwine and come to an end and then what????????

A question that needs a lot of pondering!

Sex and the city

What makes Sex and the city so special is not that the story has a lot of sex and more of the city but the fact that every one of us as a woman can recognize with one of the four characters. Of course personally I started watching the series out of curiosity. And watching let me say was not an easy task. To begin with the series was telecast at 11pm in India and that to on a week day. My parents did not approve of late nights but somehow I was able to cheat them and watch every single episode of Sex and the City.

As I mentioned my highlight of the series was the sex part. A topic so very taboo in India and as a girl watching something even as simple as a kissing scene amazed me. It got me thinking and dreaming. But what also got me was the story line. Somehow the characters grew upong me and I began to understand the meaning behind all that was happening in the series at the time. My idea that America was a land where people slept with each other and forgot, that people here had no family ties or values just blew right out the window. Some situations did render me speechless such as Samantha's horny lifestyle and Carrie's unwillingness to ever try motherhood. But what was worth applaud was that inspite of their individual personalities and nuances all the friends got along so much very well. None of them judged the other. Inspiring in every way because come to think of it how many of us do that all over the world including the US?

I remember the time my friend told me about her first kiss with her boyfriend and I went straight into shock and refused to converse with her for days. Can I blame myself for reacting so ugly? I guess not because Indian culture at the time was not just as open as it is now. I do not beleive it is very open all over other than the metros but whatever it is, is much better than the time I was growing up. Getting a new perspective about being a single woman was nice. A novel concept to India.

Being single whether for a man or a woman in India leads to a ton of questions, and lot of interventions. Sometimes I feel that the only line that divides Indian and American culture is the intervention on the part of parents. In India somehow emotional blackmail works and in America it does not. Of course there are parents who nag in either side of the globle but parents in the US end up keeping out of their children's life whereas Indian parents do not.

Recently I had my brother in law complaining about a girl who asked him if she would have to live with his parents after marriage? He said he was angry at her and he out right rejected her. When did it become OK to reject a girl based on her questions? Why is it OK for a man to ask a woman questions such as age, income and presume that she will live with his parents after wedding and a big NO for the woman who does the same. A woman in this age is expected to work like a man in fact put in more effort than a man but still be a woman. Is it not better to live few miles away from either parents and have a healthy relationship rather live together and have differences break into lives day in and day out. This reminds me of a fantastic tamil movie smsaram that addressed this very issue almost 20 years ago. I guess the movie was way ahead of its time.

Having personally faced gener bias in the first few years of my marriage I strongly vouch for all women who have a voice of their own. Independeince is not a crime. It has got to do nothing with keeping a woman within limits. Its just a woman who is just as strong as a woman and if the world is threatened then a woman cannot help it. Miranda in Sex and the City movie quits her job because her boss is a sexist and makes it difficult her for her to work harmoniously. She fights at first and then quits which makes it reasonable but not logical. According to me she should have taken this issue with the HR but I guess being a wife and a mother she needed a break anyways. It is hard to believe that there are closeted sexists in the US at this age and time.

About my fight yes I put up with bias for couple of years because like Carrie I was confused whom to believe. And when the only man you love sides with his parents and gangs up on you its not easy. I had a couple of friends and still have who faced similar problems. But then eventually I confronted my husband and made it very clear that the philosophies his parents campaign for are outdated and sexist. Maybe she as a wife then had no choice but I now have a choice and I will not take crap from anyone just because I am a woman. Then and there I drew a line that became my boundary. I made a rule and a resolution that no one can crosses my boundary and I will not cross theirs. End of story.

Imagine the number of women all over the globe who suffer worse plight as a daugher, mother or in any other role. Sex and the city 2 movie handled this issue very well when the girls rob a trip to UAE with Samantha. I liked the comical way in which the gender bias issue was dealt with.

The movie always has a message but all this love for the characters and the story did not happen for me overnight. For me getting to know Sex and the city was a lengthy process. There were times when I hated Carrie for sticking her tonuge out all the time and Miranda for her temper. I never liked Charollete because I considered her to be too phony and well bred. For a long time I did not understand the character of Samantha but then I guess not everything needs to have a meaning just because I do not understand it.

Carrie's pursuit of BIG and vice versa started to get on my nerves. I was like why can't one of you compromise and move on. And that's exactly I guess was the point of the potrayal of their characters that compromise is a dying art. People are now engulfed with more and more ego problems and the fact is no one is perfect. Which they both realize towards the end and be together for ever or I hope so. Miranda on the other hand was representative of the crowd that works long hours and balances family with ton of other things to do. Her temper was justifiable considering that she was a die hard feminist character and she does end up learning that sometimes for love it is OK to not voice out for justice. I think becoming a mother sobered her down.

Charollete for me was a waste character or let say a character entirely different from the others. She stood for what US was in the 60's. And of course there is Samantha who would do anything that walks, crawls or flies.

So many colors and so many characters a constant reminder of the fact that every culture needs time to be undestood. Judging is not the right attitude. Having an open mind is more important than wearing a modern dress.

In my latest trip to India I went to my favorite sort of sister's home. I spent four days with her only to realize that she wore modern clothes but had a mind that was so closed that I almost died of suffocation. I happened to mention about her daughter's future and she went,"Well her scores were not good so I asked her to get into commerce (like its easy to swim through commerce and accounting) over engineering (I know people with 45% scores who have become engineers). And donation seats are expensive. I rather use that money to make gold jewelery for her that will help her get a good husband. You know how she looks she is so dark!"

Gosh what world does she live in? She also has a son and I asked her would she do the same to her son. She goes,"He is bright and he will make it. And if he does not then since we do not have to spend on his wedding we will pay the donation." My question why not do the same for her daughter then she can do her engineering get a job and pay for her wedding. Her daughter of course was not crazy about engineering but if she were then what is so wrong in spending money and giving the girl what she wants. Thats 100% sexist.

Having a rosy picture and comfy life I reckon does not exactly mean no gender bias. There I saw it happening right in front of me to my niece whom I have known from the time she was born. What a shame. Of course the argument took ugly face which I do not want to ever go through ever again. I told my niece to pursue her dreams and let me know if her mommy did anything to screw it up.

Its very unfortunate that such horrendous things happen among the learned and the so-called new and rich India. I did not have to travel to Bihar to witness gender bias. Then there is this cousin of my husband's who refuses to marry for one reason or the other. She has a high paying job, looks more than average, is an engineer, and has her own social life and independence she thoroughly enjoys. She is 28 they all say and weep like someone died. My argument was who cares if she does not want to get married life is long she will find someone. She is not a burden on anyone and its not like marriage is bed of roses. What's so wrong in living life to the fullest like Carrie, Miranda or Charollete and then if you find the right guy get married?

I guess there is lot of dating culture sprouting up in India which provides the new single women generation with opportunities to fulfill their needs whether physical or emotional. Ultimately it is their choice. We can only do so much. But no people in India choose to rant at every given opportunity. Can't help it that is the Indian way at looking things the way US looked at things in the 60's. Eventually men stopped fighting and the commentators gave up. I am glad for the fact that atleast women in India have more freedom than the religiously guided countries of the middle east.

Ultimately the fact remains that women might have overtaken the race from men in India but they still have a long way to go.

As for Sex and the City today I saw the series finale and I have to tell you I liked it then and I liked it now. I loved how Carrie and Big finally realized their love for each other and chose to make petty compromises to live together. Miranda got her house and family she loved. Charollete ended up picture perfect with baby and a husband. And Samantha well we all know what she does at the end. She chooses to be single and fabulous.

For me all four women represent stregth, integrity and courage. Their principles, dreams and passion are what they live and breathe for. They do what every woman all over the world secretly wishes she could do. They sizzle, they rock, they make you laugh, and cry, they tempt and date the hottest guys, they have loads of sex in the fantasy of a city.

For me Sex and the city is was and will remain exciting, inspirational and fabulous.

From a die hard fan then and now!

Puffing Puris

Who does not like puri? Health consciousness apart the benefits of relishing puri with shrikhand and bhaji is just absolutely amazing. The first time I tried my hand at making puris it ended up in a disaster. For one the puris were shapeless followed by the fact they were hard and just did not puff. I did some research and read somewhere that adding milk, or sooji rava or vinegar helps puri puff. Let me be honest addition of milk makes the puri terribly oily and the only contribution sooji rava does is that it helps make puris soft but the downside is that I could taste rava in the puris and honestly I did not like it. Then there is few drops of vinegar which does give puris a tinge of bitterness but avoids making puris hard and does puff them.

Per my mother in law's suggestion I tried adding very little water to the dough but then making puris needed herculean effort. Not very appealing an idea.

With all the permutation and combinations my conclusion is to just let the wheat have just as much water as needed to make kneading the dough easy. If they puff then yay to me if they do not puff then well who cares as long as they taste good and make me happy!

Because the one rule any good cook will follow is what Andrew Zimmerin says,"If it tastes/looks good then eat it!"