Gangadhar, my mother's late brother and wife Vasanti had three children. Two boys, Chandrashekhar and Ashok, and one girl, Veena. My uncle and aunt doted on their daughter for a simple reason that she was indeed their only daughter. She was not exactly a looker. Her features and face structures reminded everyone of my aunt. But all the cons were compensated by one thing that she inherited from her father. His translucent fair skin for which she was praised by one and a lot many other people.
The hotel my uncle worked in did not pay much for him to support his family in the city. So from the very begining my uncle and aunt left their children at my aunt's parents home in a tiny village. My aunt never complained for one reason that Veena lived with her parents and the other that she was not pretty or educated and she was overly indebted to my uncle for choosing her as a life partner. But whenever came summer my aunt would beg my uncle to bring atleast Veena with them. And to her surprise one of the summers my uncle consented and that is how I met Veena for the first time. I was seven and she was eight although she always claimed to be younger to me.
My aunt was the one to open the door when we knocked one hot summer afternoon. The instant she saw us she gave us a big smile. There was some kind of honesty in that smile that made her dark skin glow. Her pointy face swung from one end to the other and she instantly hugged each one of us. She invited us in and went straight into the kitchen to serve us with whatever goodies she had made for her youngest kid. I was somewhere in my fifth or the sixth bite when I heard voices. It was my uncle and Veena.
As soon as she entered the room my mother went and hugged her and my uncle. My mother was and is still deeply fond of her siblings. Gangadhar mama as I called my uncle, gave a small laugh out and sat down with us. It is then that he called me and introduced me to Veena. The words he said were,"Roopa say hi to your cousin Veena.She has come a long way to play with you." Saying so he took my hands and put it on Veena's hands. And that's when I saw her face for the first time. It stunned me to see that she was indeed as people said,"A splitting image of her mother."Suddenly my thoughts were disturbed because Veena grabbed my hand and took me to the place where her bag was. She dug her hands into it and pulled out a box. She opened it and showed me her shiny gold earrings.
She held the earrings next to her ear and told me that her mother had said that the gold earrings were supposed to be dowry for her wedding. I did not exactly understand what she was saying and was speechless when she asked me whether my mother had bought earrings for me? Her question made me uncomfortable and I found her to be nosy. Even at this age it does not occur to me ask some questions the way others do. Not that its wrong but I have trouble processing or answering some questions because I probably never think of them myself.
I tried to avoid the question and asked her if she had something to play and she quickly pulled cards out of her bag which we played for some time and then she again started asking me questions which I never understood. And when it was time to leave I was relieved.
The next time I met her was after five years when I was twelve. Even then I guess there was trouble syncing up with her because in some way our thoughts never matched. She never travelled to school the way I did. She walked two miles to her school at all ages. Whereasat the age of seven I was used to waking up at 5.30am and running to catch my bus at 6.15am and then a train at 6.30am to be school at 7.00am. Veena's jaws would just drop at the mention of my schedule and she would swear that her parents would never let her do that.
I guess our upbringing was a big problem. My parents made it very clear to me and my sister at a very young age that we were to fend for ourselves. Whereas her parents trained her to be a good wife and worked towards that one single goal of theirs. Thus making our ideas and opinions poles apart.
The biggest draw back was language. She went to Kannada and I went to English medium shcool and as a result we never could discuss the same authors of books. Although I tried to read Kannada books with great difficulty to impress her but I never got the response I needed. Then there was the issue with movies. I saw hindi and english movies whereas she only saw Kannada movies. I did try to watch some kannada movies to give her company but I got bored very soon. Then it was the career path. The mere mention of commerce made her hate me because for her only intellects were the ones who chose science as their career path. Of course I do not blame her for her ignorance. She after all lived in a village where there were less than 1000 people. But at the same time somewhere I saw that she was busy chasing wild goose. She tried to socialize more with the rich cousins thinking they were her equal. Of course the rich ones ignored her always. And there was always this comparison done between her and me that probably created this unseen veil between us. How I wished she opened up more to me but apparently she never did.
To this date I remember the day when she failed to make it to engineering or medicine. She was devastated. I tried talking to her but she considered me to be below her because of my education. That's when I gave up. At the time things were not exactly hunky dory for her. She had just lost her father and her mother was duped of all her money by her own brother in law. Her brothers had dropped out of school to support the family. Their house was half done. And they were practically in the middle of nowhere in their lives.
After some days she herself came out of her cocoon and decided to do BSc. I was happy for her. As long as she paced the trail one foot in front of the other. A few years later we both graduated more or less at the same time. I went on to do post graduation and she stayed home for some time. In other words she showed her willingness to get married. Her brother called me one day and asked me if Veena could do the same degree that I was doing. I happily explained the procedure but never heard back. Then another day I got a call from my aunt asking about MSc. I gave her the necessary contacts but again silence followed. Worried I called them back only to have Veena pick the call and tell me that she did not need any one's help and that she would be just fine.
Later my mother told me that Veena's brother wanted her to study further because they never got a chance to do the same. If not they atleast wanted her to work so as to put money together for her marriage. Apparently she refused to do either of those. Her mother finally resigned to her fate and started hunting for a good groom.
For a long time she refused a lot of prospective grooms.My aunt told us that she wanted someone educated or a non resident. Well the harsh reality in our community atleast is that non residents need someone in their own profession or someone loaded. It was implicit that big looked for big. And as far as the educated ones are concerned they wanted working wives which she outright refused to be. So the problem did not solve for a long time until one day a miracle (I wish would've never happened) happened. Srinidhi bhava's family was tipped about Veena. Since bhava's mother works herself she was very clear that she wanted a daughter in law who had finished minimum of a degree or diploma just like her son.Although Srinidhi Bhava never used his skills because they were pretty well off with a hotel and other business.
Veena initially refused the proposal saying Srinidhi was a business man until someone assured her of the fact that their business was more than disaster proof and that she was lucky to have gotten a proposal from someone like Srinidhi Bhava. With great effort she agreed to meet bhava and sparks flew all over. We were all happy that she had finally found what she had desired for.
It was sometime in November that she got married. By then I was secretly engaged to the man of my dreams. Those were happy times. We finished her wedding,drove them off in a big van to her new home, and we went back to our nests. Time flew and six months later I got married and came to the US. Then Veena had a baby. Things seemed normal for a long time when one fine morning my brother in law called me at odd hours and said,"Veena's husband just died." For a minute my brain kept searching for all Veena's except my cousin. My brother in law smelt my silence and went,"Roopa its Veena. Our Veena." And that's when I dropped the phone and gave out a cry so fierce that it woke my husband up. I kept pacing the apartment up and down not knowing where to go and what to do?
Life was fine until a minute ago and suddenly it was in tatters. Nothing made sense. She was hardly married for an year. They just had a baby boy. They were happy. Srinidhi bhava was too young to die. Something was wrong so I called again and then I heard my mother wailing and I knew it was over.
Silence for one day and then many days and then when I did call my sister she told me that within a month Veena's brother in law died. Her in laws were devastated. Veena had broken into pieces. Within a month she had seen two people burnt down to ashes. A house that once was happy had now become a grave yard.
Again silence. Months passed and this time when I called my mother had some smile in her voice. She said Veena was offered a job in the college where her brother in law slipped and fell down the stairs to his death. I was shocked. Was this the same Veena who once refused to marry a guy who would ask her to work? Then I heard a wonder happen. Seems like she wakes up at 5.30am, cooks, cleans, gets the kid ready, leaves him with her in laws and leaves for work at 7.00am to catch two buses to reach her place of work. Bigger wonder was that she also was in talks with the college to let her study further.
Un-freaking-beliveable!"What are we but pawns in the hands of life and time." How true are those words! A girl who's jaws once dropped at the mention of my schedule today lives hectic a life than I ever did. A girl who detested the very idea of getting educated is today considering her options! A girl who once went into fit at the mention of work today actually works.
The last time I met Veena's mother I told her I did not have the courage to face her. I asked my aunt what next? For which she gave me a blank stare and started to sob. After sometime she held my hands and said,"I was born ill fated and these kids were born from my nasty stomach and now ill fate is haunting them too! I feel like someone took a knife and stabbed deep into my heart. My daughter is now stuck with her life because her in laws do not think that she should get married because they fear that they would loose the child! What am I supposed to do Roopa? Go away from here or my ill fate will affect you!"
It was at that minute that I hugged her and cried so much that at one point Chethan peeked inside the house got scared and started to search for something, anything that would make us stop. Well what he did not know was that what my aunt wanted was someone to hug her tight and lie to her that everything would be alright.
A lie so brutal that it made no sense. A lie that was more of a fantasy. Because the truth is that nothing would ever be the same again.
A lot of people at lot of times wanted and wished Veena were a bit more responsible. And here we are. Each one of us with our granted wish looking at Veena and cursing the day we wished, trying to take every one of our words back.
Because Veena's life showed us no matter who believs what or behaves how! When times change, circumstances change, life becomes one's teacher and makes Veena out of every one of us. And that is the only truth I will ever believe in ever!
May God bless and guide her and her son. Srinidhi bhava will remain in all of our hearts forever!
Amen
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Letter to Anupama.P.Rao
From the past four and half years that I have been in this country every single day my computer illiterate sister has always insisted on three things: Write me letters (email bhi chalega I will try to open), Gold Kharid!, and Chethan se jhagda mat kar take good care of him and yourself!
I never complied to the last two but when the nagging became too much I finally decided to write her "the letter"
Dear Anu/kyakya(that's the pet name chethan gave her because whenever I call her she spends the first few seconds asking what/kyakay in hindi!),
After a long time I am writing this letter to you and sending it using two different means of communication. One internet and the other mail. Hope either one of it reaches you at an appropriate period of time that is especially not when you are cooking, feeding/bashing the kids, teaching/bashing the kids or fighting with mother. Now about my life here in the US. Honestly for the first few days I used to cry a lot in Austin,TX because it is way too slow and isolated than California. As a result I prayed every day to God and today I am hail and happy in the bay area. I not only love the US but dote on it. Of course that does not make me a traitor because I consider India as my Janma Bhoomi and the US as Karma Bhoomi. And honestly who does not prefer a prolonged honeymoon free of nagging in laws and parents and especially a sister such as you. Ok Ok! I know right now you have tears in your eyes and are probably crying your ass off. And I miss you and the kids way too much. But then think about all the nice things I get for you. The stones, jewelery is not it fun to get them. I mean who ever brought us gift growing up? Its worth the distance and trust me the day you retire you will find me next door and I promise you and I will trot the globe and ditch our bitter halfs.
Now about the apartment yes, you did see our big TV (please do not convert the amount its not worth it!). And yes our apartment has commode and yes I clean with paper. In fact I have come to like it seems so much better. Some day when you come here you will like it too. I have all the gadgets that help me cook stuff such as pathrode, holige and anything you can think of in less than an hour. And no there are no lizards or cockroaches in my apartment and NO I do not follow your idea of soaking the vessels in water in the sink over night. I find that to be disgusting. We have here something called dishwasher that as it suggests washes dishes for me.
I have also set up a small corner for God and as per your instruction I do pooja whenever I have time. Unlike Austin bay area has a lot of relatives so we end up going to all the functions you can think of! Which gives me an opportunity to wear the dresses you send. Chethan and I are very happy together but we fight a lot too. I do not think it is bad to fight because as mummy said,"Not fighting is a sign that something's not OK!" So do not worry about us. We will be together for a longer time than you can ever imagine.
Now about gold that you asked me to buy. I will not be doing so because my education stops me from doing so. Let me explain it to you in a simple manner. Say you want to buy gold at Rs.800 today and plan to sell it at Rs.1500 after some time and let that time be say 3 years. Which means that the profit you will make after three years will be Rs.700. Consider that you invest the same money in bonds for 3 years at 5% interest rate it will get you at the end of three years principal that is Rs.800 plus interest that is, Rs.120 for three years which is a total of Rs.920. I know you are thinking I am stupid. But the trick is the element of tax. The gold you sell will be subject to long term capital gain I guess its 10% right now and I hope you declare it as income tax and not cheat. In that case you end up paying Rs.150 and end up getting less than Rs.700 in all. Bond on the other hand is not only tax free (of course there are front and back loads but that do not affect the returns too much and always match inflation ex: TIPS or something similar can be found in India) but also the interest that it earns can be accummulated and invested in gold or some other form of investment there by making your portfolio diversified and secure. That is when prudent investment in equity and other form of investments can earn more and better returns. This is called as the diversified portfolio returns a concept researched and thought about by great Noble Laureates such as Harry Markowitz.
I understand your urge to advise me well on the savings part trust me I am pretty much covered. Also gold has sentimental attraction meaning the gold coins you will buy will not be cashed but made into an ornament. Then how does it become an investment and not a fancy? Do invest in gold but not always and not all your savings. It should be part of your portfolio but not all of it. Remember all that goes up has to come down. Currently there is a bubble forming in gold and savings and beleive me George Soros is surely watching!
So my sister be aware. Now coming to me living harmoniously with Chethan. Do you think I will ever let go of a person who met with my expensive demands not once asking why should I do it for you? He complied with my will and for that I will be ever indebted to him. For me there are a very few Gods and they are all mortals who gave me a chance to get educated and be what I am today.
And as far you are concerned I might not call just as much or I might not write to you just as much but remember one thing that my heart is filled with you, kids, bhava, mom-dad and Chutney. I love you guys and at one wink will give my life for you!
So quit crying, wipe your tears and get on your feet. Hug your kids and peck their cheeks. For in them you will see me and I will see you and love you..Forever!
Your sister/rockstar,
Roopa
Well the letter was a dynamite but apparently it never reached her. Why? Because stupid LIC listed it as spam and USPS poked so many holes into my letter that Anu could not read a single word. So much for pensmanship. My ass! So finally I decided to put it up on my blog. One of my friends who lives in the same neighborhood who also follows my blog asked me to put it up here so that she can show it to my sister and laugh her ass off while my sister cries off her own......;-)
I never complied to the last two but when the nagging became too much I finally decided to write her "the letter"
Dear Anu/kyakya(that's the pet name chethan gave her because whenever I call her she spends the first few seconds asking what/kyakay in hindi!),
After a long time I am writing this letter to you and sending it using two different means of communication. One internet and the other mail. Hope either one of it reaches you at an appropriate period of time that is especially not when you are cooking, feeding/bashing the kids, teaching/bashing the kids or fighting with mother. Now about my life here in the US. Honestly for the first few days I used to cry a lot in Austin,TX because it is way too slow and isolated than California. As a result I prayed every day to God and today I am hail and happy in the bay area. I not only love the US but dote on it. Of course that does not make me a traitor because I consider India as my Janma Bhoomi and the US as Karma Bhoomi. And honestly who does not prefer a prolonged honeymoon free of nagging in laws and parents and especially a sister such as you. Ok Ok! I know right now you have tears in your eyes and are probably crying your ass off. And I miss you and the kids way too much. But then think about all the nice things I get for you. The stones, jewelery is not it fun to get them. I mean who ever brought us gift growing up? Its worth the distance and trust me the day you retire you will find me next door and I promise you and I will trot the globe and ditch our bitter halfs.
Now about the apartment yes, you did see our big TV (please do not convert the amount its not worth it!). And yes our apartment has commode and yes I clean with paper. In fact I have come to like it seems so much better. Some day when you come here you will like it too. I have all the gadgets that help me cook stuff such as pathrode, holige and anything you can think of in less than an hour. And no there are no lizards or cockroaches in my apartment and NO I do not follow your idea of soaking the vessels in water in the sink over night. I find that to be disgusting. We have here something called dishwasher that as it suggests washes dishes for me.
I have also set up a small corner for God and as per your instruction I do pooja whenever I have time. Unlike Austin bay area has a lot of relatives so we end up going to all the functions you can think of! Which gives me an opportunity to wear the dresses you send. Chethan and I are very happy together but we fight a lot too. I do not think it is bad to fight because as mummy said,"Not fighting is a sign that something's not OK!" So do not worry about us. We will be together for a longer time than you can ever imagine.
Now about gold that you asked me to buy. I will not be doing so because my education stops me from doing so. Let me explain it to you in a simple manner. Say you want to buy gold at Rs.800 today and plan to sell it at Rs.1500 after some time and let that time be say 3 years. Which means that the profit you will make after three years will be Rs.700. Consider that you invest the same money in bonds for 3 years at 5% interest rate it will get you at the end of three years principal that is Rs.800 plus interest that is, Rs.120 for three years which is a total of Rs.920. I know you are thinking I am stupid. But the trick is the element of tax. The gold you sell will be subject to long term capital gain I guess its 10% right now and I hope you declare it as income tax and not cheat. In that case you end up paying Rs.150 and end up getting less than Rs.700 in all. Bond on the other hand is not only tax free (of course there are front and back loads but that do not affect the returns too much and always match inflation ex: TIPS or something similar can be found in India) but also the interest that it earns can be accummulated and invested in gold or some other form of investment there by making your portfolio diversified and secure. That is when prudent investment in equity and other form of investments can earn more and better returns. This is called as the diversified portfolio returns a concept researched and thought about by great Noble Laureates such as Harry Markowitz.
I understand your urge to advise me well on the savings part trust me I am pretty much covered. Also gold has sentimental attraction meaning the gold coins you will buy will not be cashed but made into an ornament. Then how does it become an investment and not a fancy? Do invest in gold but not always and not all your savings. It should be part of your portfolio but not all of it. Remember all that goes up has to come down. Currently there is a bubble forming in gold and savings and beleive me George Soros is surely watching!
So my sister be aware. Now coming to me living harmoniously with Chethan. Do you think I will ever let go of a person who met with my expensive demands not once asking why should I do it for you? He complied with my will and for that I will be ever indebted to him. For me there are a very few Gods and they are all mortals who gave me a chance to get educated and be what I am today.
And as far you are concerned I might not call just as much or I might not write to you just as much but remember one thing that my heart is filled with you, kids, bhava, mom-dad and Chutney. I love you guys and at one wink will give my life for you!
So quit crying, wipe your tears and get on your feet. Hug your kids and peck their cheeks. For in them you will see me and I will see you and love you..Forever!
Your sister/rockstar,
Roopa
Well the letter was a dynamite but apparently it never reached her. Why? Because stupid LIC listed it as spam and USPS poked so many holes into my letter that Anu could not read a single word. So much for pensmanship. My ass! So finally I decided to put it up on my blog. One of my friends who lives in the same neighborhood who also follows my blog asked me to put it up here so that she can show it to my sister and laugh her ass off while my sister cries off her own......;-)
Shoonya!
Soul searching, for me, has always been more than just a hobby. Understanding philosophies has been even bigger an effort. Somehow recently I made up my mind to finally touch upon Swami Vivekanada's teaching and thus began my affair with one of Swami Vivekananda's book, "Karma Yoga." From the time I began to read it I made special effort to make notes and relate it directly to my day to day life and my past experiences. To get a deeper understanding I invited one of my good friends/cousins over the weekend to discuss about the teachings in the book.
With consensus we began discussing about the basics of karma yoga. As per the teachings a sanyasin is not a karma yogin. In the sense as humans doing our duty or karma makes each one of us karma yogin or yogini. For example a woman or a man perform their duties as per thier respective roles in different areas and eventually reach a stage of renunciation which then leads them towards enlightenment. In other words a sanyasin has to be a person who can resist the temptations of the world. Or a man or a woman can always experience life and then if their will permits take up a life of seclusion. However the question here is when does a person reach a point of renounciation? According to Swami a person reaches the stage of renunciation either at an early or later stage. A typical exampple is growth in a career. Some advance at an early stage and some later or maybe never. Now why does that happen.
Per swami what we are today is a sum total result of our past actions. And what we want to become in future will also be a result of our current actions. Because karma is not only work, duty or deeds it is also an energy that each one of us emits to the universe and the universe does its duty of taking the energy, transforming it into what is asked for and then emits it back to the person. How soon the energy reaches the individual is directly related to how soon the person will reach the renunciation stage.
This part brought me hope and my cousin agreed with me too. He gave a simple example of how he would go round and round the temple and pray to god to help him go to the US. He took all the necessary steps in that particular direction and as a result today he is here. So is my case. With absolutely no or very little monetary support or luxuries I went ahead and managed to get the kind of education I wanted. Maybe not everything happened per my will but if I do the right thing and keep trying it will happen. There is no way that the energy I emit to achieve one particular goal will ever go wasted in the universe. The universe will have to emit my energy back.
A valid point. But we also argued about the part where the teachings talk about selflessness. My cousin is cute but he can also be terribly opinionated. Of course I like him for that one reason and more because he reads everything possible and is always up for discussions and the best quality in him is that he is open for reasoning, pays heed to others perspectives, acknowledges his mistakes or ignorance about a given subject matter and of course best of all he knows to disagree respectfully.
Ok praise and criticisms apart. Problem came when he brought Ayn Rand into discussion. I agree with Ayn to some extent but not all. For a simple reason that if everyone on this earth became selfish then probably she would not be in existence. Of course her arguments are deeper than that and not easily comprehensible for dimwits of the likes of me. Anyways when Ayn Rand mentions that every human is entitled to his/her own happiness I totally agree with her. Not all sacrifises are called for. In fact some only create trouble. For example a mother in law-daughter in law relationship. Having suffered as a daughter in law a reasearch shows that in India mother in laws expect the same for their son's wife. Why did this happen? Probably because of the uncalled sacrifises of a woman in the role of a wife. Or for that matter elders in general do not approve of younger generations freedom in all respect.
Sacrifises do come with a lot of baggage but again if karma yoga is to be followed then what ever happens is right only if the situation calls for the kind of karma that is executed. For instance Arjuna in Mahabharata fought against his own relatives. Had it not been in the case of a war then an action of this magnitude would have had been considered as blasphemy. But the situation Arjuna was in was that of sacrifise. He sacrifised his love for his relatives in order to restore goodness/dharma in the world.
Thus is the reasoning in the book of Karma Yoga. When reading it in the begining it seems insane. But evenatually every single philosophy is so very well defined and reasoned that the logical mind agress to it and finally surrenders. I am so fascinated with this revelation that every chance I get I try to connect dots together and understand the philosophy better. My cousin too after some time started agreeing with the science behind belief. An atheist such as him is not easy to convince but Swami Vivekananda's lessons mesmerize and impress the likes of him.
Its interesting to see how Swami has used certain instances to create gender equality and reduce male ego in India using Karma Yoga. Of course I do not agree with those teachnigs at this age and if Swami were alive I am sure that he would have changed it to suit the current needs. But the book in itself has gripped my attention so very much that I have decided to read the rest of his teachings too. Of course the bigger goal is to read Bhagavadgita and understand it as much as I can. It is said that it takes many a birth to read a single line of Bhagavadgita and as a minute dot in this vast universe I hope that I have done more than my share of work in all my past births to not only read the entire Bhagavadgita but also understand its meaning.
As a Karma Yogini I plan to gather as much knowledge as I can. I plan to understand the intricasies of the teachings of intellectual. Absorb as much as I can so that once I am done with my mortal body then my sould can take with it all the good karma I ever did and most importantly the knowledge I gathered because I agree with what Krishna once said to Arjuna--
A human is born to do his duty and gather not pearls, or kingdom but to seek and gain knowldge so that when his soul at the end of his life departs for the heavenly abode it takes with itseld good karma and knowledge there by making every other achievement in life equal to zero or Shoonya........!!!!
Amen!
With consensus we began discussing about the basics of karma yoga. As per the teachings a sanyasin is not a karma yogin. In the sense as humans doing our duty or karma makes each one of us karma yogin or yogini. For example a woman or a man perform their duties as per thier respective roles in different areas and eventually reach a stage of renunciation which then leads them towards enlightenment. In other words a sanyasin has to be a person who can resist the temptations of the world. Or a man or a woman can always experience life and then if their will permits take up a life of seclusion. However the question here is when does a person reach a point of renounciation? According to Swami a person reaches the stage of renunciation either at an early or later stage. A typical exampple is growth in a career. Some advance at an early stage and some later or maybe never. Now why does that happen.
Per swami what we are today is a sum total result of our past actions. And what we want to become in future will also be a result of our current actions. Because karma is not only work, duty or deeds it is also an energy that each one of us emits to the universe and the universe does its duty of taking the energy, transforming it into what is asked for and then emits it back to the person. How soon the energy reaches the individual is directly related to how soon the person will reach the renunciation stage.
This part brought me hope and my cousin agreed with me too. He gave a simple example of how he would go round and round the temple and pray to god to help him go to the US. He took all the necessary steps in that particular direction and as a result today he is here. So is my case. With absolutely no or very little monetary support or luxuries I went ahead and managed to get the kind of education I wanted. Maybe not everything happened per my will but if I do the right thing and keep trying it will happen. There is no way that the energy I emit to achieve one particular goal will ever go wasted in the universe. The universe will have to emit my energy back.
A valid point. But we also argued about the part where the teachings talk about selflessness. My cousin is cute but he can also be terribly opinionated. Of course I like him for that one reason and more because he reads everything possible and is always up for discussions and the best quality in him is that he is open for reasoning, pays heed to others perspectives, acknowledges his mistakes or ignorance about a given subject matter and of course best of all he knows to disagree respectfully.
Ok praise and criticisms apart. Problem came when he brought Ayn Rand into discussion. I agree with Ayn to some extent but not all. For a simple reason that if everyone on this earth became selfish then probably she would not be in existence. Of course her arguments are deeper than that and not easily comprehensible for dimwits of the likes of me. Anyways when Ayn Rand mentions that every human is entitled to his/her own happiness I totally agree with her. Not all sacrifises are called for. In fact some only create trouble. For example a mother in law-daughter in law relationship. Having suffered as a daughter in law a reasearch shows that in India mother in laws expect the same for their son's wife. Why did this happen? Probably because of the uncalled sacrifises of a woman in the role of a wife. Or for that matter elders in general do not approve of younger generations freedom in all respect.
Sacrifises do come with a lot of baggage but again if karma yoga is to be followed then what ever happens is right only if the situation calls for the kind of karma that is executed. For instance Arjuna in Mahabharata fought against his own relatives. Had it not been in the case of a war then an action of this magnitude would have had been considered as blasphemy. But the situation Arjuna was in was that of sacrifise. He sacrifised his love for his relatives in order to restore goodness/dharma in the world.
Thus is the reasoning in the book of Karma Yoga. When reading it in the begining it seems insane. But evenatually every single philosophy is so very well defined and reasoned that the logical mind agress to it and finally surrenders. I am so fascinated with this revelation that every chance I get I try to connect dots together and understand the philosophy better. My cousin too after some time started agreeing with the science behind belief. An atheist such as him is not easy to convince but Swami Vivekananda's lessons mesmerize and impress the likes of him.
Its interesting to see how Swami has used certain instances to create gender equality and reduce male ego in India using Karma Yoga. Of course I do not agree with those teachnigs at this age and if Swami were alive I am sure that he would have changed it to suit the current needs. But the book in itself has gripped my attention so very much that I have decided to read the rest of his teachings too. Of course the bigger goal is to read Bhagavadgita and understand it as much as I can. It is said that it takes many a birth to read a single line of Bhagavadgita and as a minute dot in this vast universe I hope that I have done more than my share of work in all my past births to not only read the entire Bhagavadgita but also understand its meaning.
As a Karma Yogini I plan to gather as much knowledge as I can. I plan to understand the intricasies of the teachings of intellectual. Absorb as much as I can so that once I am done with my mortal body then my sould can take with it all the good karma I ever did and most importantly the knowledge I gathered because I agree with what Krishna once said to Arjuna--
A human is born to do his duty and gather not pearls, or kingdom but to seek and gain knowldge so that when his soul at the end of his life departs for the heavenly abode it takes with itseld good karma and knowledge there by making every other achievement in life equal to zero or Shoonya........!!!!
Amen!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Showering baby
Clinking glasses, roars of laughter, endless discussion about diapers on a house that rests on top of a mountain all point toward only one fact--Yes, its me stuck in a high society baby shower. By all ways and means I could have avoided going to the torture session but my friends are too precious to me and to refuse any invitation whatever or whereever that maybe is an inconcieveable crime to me. Apparently my guilt dragged me to this baby shower where women wore clothing that only revealed and hid nothing. Not that I am against it but then the invite never mentioned the attire and turns out friends called each other and decided upon the clothes and to my further shock turns out that the baby shower was not exactly a big surprise.
Boom! Yep thats how my heart and head exploded when I walked into that multi million dollar house on the hills of Palo Alto. In my salwar kameez I stuck out like a sore thumb. It was totally embarassing. Of course not to mention the roving eyes of the fellow women. No matter what class holds a baby shower somehow or the other the subjects of the crowd manage to boggle me with "THE Question!" "So do you have any kids?" To that I reply with a drag,"NO." And thats exactly when old women drop their jaw and other women younger to them and older to me go,"Ohhh!" In fact they might not say it but their looks manage to send me a loud and clear message--"Are you infertile?" Yep I know thats exactly what they are thinking because one time I had a woman practically ask me that. Of course that one woman was an innocent home maker whose kids were her pride. But to get this kind of a response from high society working women came to me as quite a surprise. Guess finally not all that glitters is gold. Not all that is exposed exposes the brain. Brain is deliberately made to think narrow!Bad judgment about people on my part atleast I guess.
For the first few minutes I managed to dodge the question and finally a stout woman who thought she was blessed spread the word and thats when everyone was overly sympathetic to me as though not having kids meant that I was fatally ill or something. Ignoring everyone else I moved on to socialize with all other speicmens. Apparently our high society friends find it hard to cook with two children and a 2600 square feet house to manage. At that very moment when the hostess was saying about her issues the maid and her husband walked into the out house. Uh Oh! The secret was out. And immediately she started to cover her neatly manicured fingers and pedicured feet. HIllarious. And the best part was when she revealed her great dishes. Guess what they were. Well don't strain your brain because what she cooked happened to be a no brainer. Yep! She prepared sandwiches vegetarian and non vegeterian. About 10 of them and to that she added crackers with chocolate and whipped cream and yummmmmmm! strawberries. Her dish was applauded by everyone and I just could not keep myself from laughing my ass off!
On the contrary I praised her too and just then someone said looking at me,"You made nan khatai they are good but too much butter." And I wanted to slap that woman and say,"Screw you bitch. The sandwich you are stuffing into your mouth has more mayo than your ass can store!" But of course I filtered my devil and went on with a smile so artificial that even Aishwarya would be ashamed. I took my plate full and sat in a corner eating on my own while a bunch of them stood munching and discussing about gucci, diapers, eating and potty schedules of their kids to "You know my water broke three weeks before my baby shower." And thats when I threw up all that I had eaten. The woman was so loud that a lot of other women lost their appetitie too! That gave me some solace," After all I was not the only one!"
Seeing me getting bored to death the hostess came to my rescue and asked me to join and I explained my inability to indulge in the joy of motherhood. An answer that made her give me that look,"What's wrong with you!" Thankfully at that very moment another woman who was in the same boat as mine came and sat next to me. Turns out that she works as a strategic consultant in a pharmecutical company and we set off talking about strategies, from Hurd of HP, to currencies to Greece. God was I happy! With her time just flew. But as they say all good things come to an end. And so did my company. Hostess announced time to open gifts. She took the first gift, read the name of the presenter and explained the function of the gift. Good Lord!
Imagine this someone gives a breast pump and the lady gives a demo! Yes sounds scarry does not it! It was and that's why I packed my bags, gave my good friend a tight hug, congratulated her and patted her back to have been not only born into a high society to but have gotten married into one. Trust me its not easy. I almost died and I was there only for two hours.
I guess its just me. Maybe if she comes to my baby shower probably she will find us higher middle class folks similar to the Baltic Vikings! Well if she does then so be it! Because I know that there will be showers and there will be people and there will also be discussion that will make me uncomfortable. But irrespective of all that I feel and think I will still attend them and bite my way through it thinking when the hell will I find some one in the crowd who will talk more than babies, diapers, sales, and being penny wise.
Nothing against such discussions maybe people on the other side of the fence seem to think what I talk is irrelevant to the situation and I will give it to them but as far as I am concerned God no matter what function I am in, please shower me with anything but babies, diapers and........
Amen!
Boom! Yep thats how my heart and head exploded when I walked into that multi million dollar house on the hills of Palo Alto. In my salwar kameez I stuck out like a sore thumb. It was totally embarassing. Of course not to mention the roving eyes of the fellow women. No matter what class holds a baby shower somehow or the other the subjects of the crowd manage to boggle me with "THE Question!" "So do you have any kids?" To that I reply with a drag,"NO." And thats exactly when old women drop their jaw and other women younger to them and older to me go,"Ohhh!" In fact they might not say it but their looks manage to send me a loud and clear message--"Are you infertile?" Yep I know thats exactly what they are thinking because one time I had a woman practically ask me that. Of course that one woman was an innocent home maker whose kids were her pride. But to get this kind of a response from high society working women came to me as quite a surprise. Guess finally not all that glitters is gold. Not all that is exposed exposes the brain. Brain is deliberately made to think narrow!Bad judgment about people on my part atleast I guess.
For the first few minutes I managed to dodge the question and finally a stout woman who thought she was blessed spread the word and thats when everyone was overly sympathetic to me as though not having kids meant that I was fatally ill or something. Ignoring everyone else I moved on to socialize with all other speicmens. Apparently our high society friends find it hard to cook with two children and a 2600 square feet house to manage. At that very moment when the hostess was saying about her issues the maid and her husband walked into the out house. Uh Oh! The secret was out. And immediately she started to cover her neatly manicured fingers and pedicured feet. HIllarious. And the best part was when she revealed her great dishes. Guess what they were. Well don't strain your brain because what she cooked happened to be a no brainer. Yep! She prepared sandwiches vegetarian and non vegeterian. About 10 of them and to that she added crackers with chocolate and whipped cream and yummmmmmm! strawberries. Her dish was applauded by everyone and I just could not keep myself from laughing my ass off!
On the contrary I praised her too and just then someone said looking at me,"You made nan khatai they are good but too much butter." And I wanted to slap that woman and say,"Screw you bitch. The sandwich you are stuffing into your mouth has more mayo than your ass can store!" But of course I filtered my devil and went on with a smile so artificial that even Aishwarya would be ashamed. I took my plate full and sat in a corner eating on my own while a bunch of them stood munching and discussing about gucci, diapers, eating and potty schedules of their kids to "You know my water broke three weeks before my baby shower." And thats when I threw up all that I had eaten. The woman was so loud that a lot of other women lost their appetitie too! That gave me some solace," After all I was not the only one!"
Seeing me getting bored to death the hostess came to my rescue and asked me to join and I explained my inability to indulge in the joy of motherhood. An answer that made her give me that look,"What's wrong with you!" Thankfully at that very moment another woman who was in the same boat as mine came and sat next to me. Turns out that she works as a strategic consultant in a pharmecutical company and we set off talking about strategies, from Hurd of HP, to currencies to Greece. God was I happy! With her time just flew. But as they say all good things come to an end. And so did my company. Hostess announced time to open gifts. She took the first gift, read the name of the presenter and explained the function of the gift. Good Lord!
Imagine this someone gives a breast pump and the lady gives a demo! Yes sounds scarry does not it! It was and that's why I packed my bags, gave my good friend a tight hug, congratulated her and patted her back to have been not only born into a high society to but have gotten married into one. Trust me its not easy. I almost died and I was there only for two hours.
I guess its just me. Maybe if she comes to my baby shower probably she will find us higher middle class folks similar to the Baltic Vikings! Well if she does then so be it! Because I know that there will be showers and there will be people and there will also be discussion that will make me uncomfortable. But irrespective of all that I feel and think I will still attend them and bite my way through it thinking when the hell will I find some one in the crowd who will talk more than babies, diapers, sales, and being penny wise.
Nothing against such discussions maybe people on the other side of the fence seem to think what I talk is irrelevant to the situation and I will give it to them but as far as I am concerned God no matter what function I am in, please shower me with anything but babies, diapers and........
Amen!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Dodaapa/Ramano Purshe!
"Hey, you want cashew apple?," asked my cat eyed Bhaskar dodappa and "Yes we do," came an answer all so unianimous by all the kids that belonged to the "Yelluru" clan. Summer time for me was like an ancient Egyptian ritual where all the family members got together in Yelluru. Yelluru was like wonderland to us. A place where fun and freedom knew absolutely no bounds. One place where no matter who treated us how we did not care hoots. It was just us against each other. In fact I thoroughly enjoyed the part where I could tag along with whoever agreed to take charge of me. Be it aunt in Udupi, chokkadi or Rama dodamma and Bhaskar dodappa of Kalianpura.
I will be honest here. Kalianpura was not my favorite choice because Rama and Bhaskar's kids were two decades older than I. Rama is my mother's sister and older to her by easy sixteen years and my uncle/dodappa aka Rama's husband almost a twenty.That did not leave very much in common for us with them except one gleaming fact that even when Bhaskar Dodappa was fifty his heart was that of a ten year old child. He had this amazing ability to understand our needs and provide us with exactly what we asked for. When he was in Kalianpura no one missed the chance to be around him. Without him Kalianpura was so deserted that ironically even Rama dodamma, who could never stand her husband, shuddered at the idea of being lonely. But she did not have much of a choice. My dodappa worked in hotel in Maharastra and he wanted to work for a few more years so that he could retire without having to worry about his retirement. Then it felt stupid but now I understand where he was coming from.
Among all the relatives I have ever had some were good and some were mean. But dodappa was one person who liked everyone equally. He did not exactly have a happy marriage. Rama dodamma as the entire world knows is a control freak. In her prime she was known to spend dodappa's money like water on everyone except her people that includes her husband and children. Her behavior always concerned dodappa but who was to say? Being the eldest she practically steered the yelluru family ship and managed her house in Kallianpura all on her own.
Inspite of their marital squabbles both dodamma and dodappa loved each other's families and likewise. They would individually complain about their other half and then tell us how happy they were that we visited them. Not one day did I hear dodappa say us that we were not his people. He was good to us and to his people ever the same. That is one quality of his that stuck with me and I tried it but then I chose to have a happy marriage over a happy brady bunch and distressed couple. Maybe I am selfish but then thats how it was in my time and still is.
The kinds of Bhaskar dodappa's are rare to see and find. The games he played, the songs he taught, the fruits he plucked and dozen of other things he did for us made me wonder why did he hang out so much with us kids when elders in there were busy talking everything above the earth and below the sky. Out of curiosity I one day asked him and he said,"If I sit in there and talk crap the way they do then I will end up grumpy and die early. Children are like God and when with them I feel closer to God! It diverts my energy from the unpleasentness of my married life." Saying so he gave out a laugh that was similar to that of a hyena.
Come to think of it what he said was true. We all claim not to gossip but we do. We all end up with agendas in a meeting whereas kids play aimlessly. Of course dodappa was a man and he could afford to be careless unlike dodamma who had to do all the chores. Maybe dodappa did not grow up after all. Maybe dodamma did want to be a collector and not marry dodappa. Maybe they could not stand each other but yet they loved others unconditionally. Something that still amazes me. Is it not true about so many couples in India who are forced against their will to spend life with each other. Maybe that's how they chose to deal with their problems.Be vocal about not being able to stand each other but love whom they felt for?
Whatever it was for me Bhaskar dodappa was a person who made good memories for me. Made me look forward for more surprises. So many of us cousins still talk about our good days with him. Earlier we would talk and say maybe we should call and talk to him and then we would forget or postpone thinking maybe not now, maybe some other time.
An action today I regret because last Sunday when I spoke to my sister about him I realized that even if I did call dodappa I would never be able to talk to him. That I will never be able to hear him laugh or complain. Never feel the warmth in his voice again because Bhaskar dodappa slept a sleep so deep from which there is no waking up.
Yes, a reality I realized! None of us are immortals but death never seizes us to take by surprise and shock. It hurts to think that he is gone! Forever! All that now lives, are his memories! Cherished forever!Surprisingly when I think of his smiling face and fun times we had my pain turns into a smile and I am happy again.
That's Bhaskar dodappa! Not a hero or a warrior. In fact he did not lead a glorious life or have a wonderful ideal family or marriage for that matter!
He was just a normal man with simple aspirations. A boy stuck in a man's body. Probably married to the wrong person. Yet he lived. He had a choice to be sad but he smiled. He touched hearts and held hands. He sang away his misery and gave us a rhyme, which we all can hum, look forward and know that somewhere there he is watching us and he knows that he will be missed and loved always as our beloved dodappa/uncle or as he always said,"Ramano purshe!" (Rama's husband--Thats how people identified him, his wife's husband and he found it indignantly hillarious)
I will be honest here. Kalianpura was not my favorite choice because Rama and Bhaskar's kids were two decades older than I. Rama is my mother's sister and older to her by easy sixteen years and my uncle/dodappa aka Rama's husband almost a twenty.That did not leave very much in common for us with them except one gleaming fact that even when Bhaskar Dodappa was fifty his heart was that of a ten year old child. He had this amazing ability to understand our needs and provide us with exactly what we asked for. When he was in Kalianpura no one missed the chance to be around him. Without him Kalianpura was so deserted that ironically even Rama dodamma, who could never stand her husband, shuddered at the idea of being lonely. But she did not have much of a choice. My dodappa worked in hotel in Maharastra and he wanted to work for a few more years so that he could retire without having to worry about his retirement. Then it felt stupid but now I understand where he was coming from.
Among all the relatives I have ever had some were good and some were mean. But dodappa was one person who liked everyone equally. He did not exactly have a happy marriage. Rama dodamma as the entire world knows is a control freak. In her prime she was known to spend dodappa's money like water on everyone except her people that includes her husband and children. Her behavior always concerned dodappa but who was to say? Being the eldest she practically steered the yelluru family ship and managed her house in Kallianpura all on her own.
Inspite of their marital squabbles both dodamma and dodappa loved each other's families and likewise. They would individually complain about their other half and then tell us how happy they were that we visited them. Not one day did I hear dodappa say us that we were not his people. He was good to us and to his people ever the same. That is one quality of his that stuck with me and I tried it but then I chose to have a happy marriage over a happy brady bunch and distressed couple. Maybe I am selfish but then thats how it was in my time and still is.
The kinds of Bhaskar dodappa's are rare to see and find. The games he played, the songs he taught, the fruits he plucked and dozen of other things he did for us made me wonder why did he hang out so much with us kids when elders in there were busy talking everything above the earth and below the sky. Out of curiosity I one day asked him and he said,"If I sit in there and talk crap the way they do then I will end up grumpy and die early. Children are like God and when with them I feel closer to God! It diverts my energy from the unpleasentness of my married life." Saying so he gave out a laugh that was similar to that of a hyena.
Come to think of it what he said was true. We all claim not to gossip but we do. We all end up with agendas in a meeting whereas kids play aimlessly. Of course dodappa was a man and he could afford to be careless unlike dodamma who had to do all the chores. Maybe dodappa did not grow up after all. Maybe dodamma did want to be a collector and not marry dodappa. Maybe they could not stand each other but yet they loved others unconditionally. Something that still amazes me. Is it not true about so many couples in India who are forced against their will to spend life with each other. Maybe that's how they chose to deal with their problems.Be vocal about not being able to stand each other but love whom they felt for?
Whatever it was for me Bhaskar dodappa was a person who made good memories for me. Made me look forward for more surprises. So many of us cousins still talk about our good days with him. Earlier we would talk and say maybe we should call and talk to him and then we would forget or postpone thinking maybe not now, maybe some other time.
An action today I regret because last Sunday when I spoke to my sister about him I realized that even if I did call dodappa I would never be able to talk to him. That I will never be able to hear him laugh or complain. Never feel the warmth in his voice again because Bhaskar dodappa slept a sleep so deep from which there is no waking up.
Yes, a reality I realized! None of us are immortals but death never seizes us to take by surprise and shock. It hurts to think that he is gone! Forever! All that now lives, are his memories! Cherished forever!Surprisingly when I think of his smiling face and fun times we had my pain turns into a smile and I am happy again.
That's Bhaskar dodappa! Not a hero or a warrior. In fact he did not lead a glorious life or have a wonderful ideal family or marriage for that matter!
He was just a normal man with simple aspirations. A boy stuck in a man's body. Probably married to the wrong person. Yet he lived. He had a choice to be sad but he smiled. He touched hearts and held hands. He sang away his misery and gave us a rhyme, which we all can hum, look forward and know that somewhere there he is watching us and he knows that he will be missed and loved always as our beloved dodappa/uncle or as he always said,"Ramano purshe!" (Rama's husband--Thats how people identified him, his wife's husband and he found it indignantly hillarious)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Proud like a peacock
Question- Is google talk intrusive or say convinient? Difficult to answer isn't it? If I get time I sure would love to chat and get in touch with everyone I love and know. But recently thanks to my rendevouz with one of my long lost nephews I realized that whenever I send emails to a person with a gmail ID the person gets automatically added to the chat list. And so did he, my nephew.Taking full advantage of the opportunity he pinged me.Honestly it had been a long time since I had a chat with anyone from his family.So I responded of course gladly!
When I lived in Mangalore I was in touch with them but then as time passed things changed and so did I. I never forgot my brother-in-law's generosity when I was in college for which I still respect him but I never re-connected because my life had taken a turn for good. And the new life had too many characters to deal with and one more addition would only complicate it. Also once I moved to Mangalore I realized that a holy circle had already been formed years ago and I could never break into the group of the chosen ones. For them I was the city girl, a subject of criticism, which of course I ignored and took only good. It was only later in life when my status changed that people's opinion changed (atleast that's what I think) which also lead to this great google chat with my long lost nephew.
He somehow made it to some engineering college and like so many boyz and girlz back home he is happy and proud like a peacock. He is at the age and time where he thinks that the skill he is learning will make him god's gift to mankind. Well I used to think the same at his age until harsh realities of life bit me right in the ass. However he comes from not so great a family background and hopefully he will take the family status up and open the gateway to America.
Never mind I am ofcourse very proud of him but at some time I had to give him a reality check. He began the conversation with what are you doing and I answered that I graduated from shcool and was working for a botique investement firm. He asked me which school and I replied Leavey School of Business at Santa Clara University, CA. For which his response was what's that some online school? Never heard of it before. He continued by saying is it any good? And then he went on with his ballad of praise about how hep his college was and so and so forth.
This answer shocked me for a simple reason that the college he goes to in India is at the best a dump with probably 100's and 1000's of kids competing against each other for the same job in all parts of India. It's unfortunate that he believes that as an engineer he would be a Rockstar. Well life does not work like that. Being arrogant is not hep. That is not the American way. Being kicked out from the house at the age of sixteen is the AMERICAN WAY. WOrking three jobs to stay afloat is THE AMERICAN WAY! Dressing up like a hobster is not the AMERICAN WAY! I wanted to say all that and more but then I let him talk becaue I know that within a few years he would be a frustrated little engineer looking for something else to just grow thereby proving Maslow's pyramid of needs true that not all needs are related to money and that there are other professions that exist on this earth which demand equal respect.
On the contrary my other nephew his first cousin owns a hotel in a city in south karnataka. He was never a bright kid but was always an amazing business man. Every single one of them criticized him for his choice of profession. My own aunt went,"Who will marry him?" My answer was well who cares? What if he does not get married and remains single? How does it matter? I am glad that he actually has done me so proud that now he owns a nice fancy apartment in the city and a car. He works and earns for himself. Honestly he is living my dream. Or lets say my plans are a little bit different but nevertheless the same. No matter how much my nephew brags unlike the hotelier he will always work for someone else. What a shame that he is not grounded! What a shame that his education did not teach him to be humble!
Apparently in my profession and experience I have come across proud peacocks, an extremely rare sight to savor ( I have met their very same peers who are surprisingly sweet and humble). One who claim that top 5 is the best and bulge brackets excellent. Well good for them. But my research has proven that ones with maximum success are the most humble. The only exception to the rule is a genius. They are arrogant because they are geniuses. But they accept their mistakes and improve and that is the reason they are geniuses. My experience in school and life has taught me to keep myself in check and I am glad I do that. After all there will always be someone better than me. How many could I possibly compete with? The most important lesson in life is seeing the rise of a person who we never expected to rise!
Well as the chat continued my nephew went on with his plans to work and he mentioned how very little much MBA from some school mattered and how he planned to do it in some fancy school. I asked him which school and replied I**** (I wanted to laugh my ass off but then I ignored him. Nothing against I**** just that he lives and breathes in a bubble that makes him think I**** is better than IIM or ISB or any other college. That is his level of maturity) Well lets move on.
Like every other good aunt I offered him help if he ever wanted to study further. Immediately came his reply,"I am good. My aim is to make money not waste more." That was the moment I bid him adieu and went on with my life. Of course I blocked him forever. What is the point in chatting with people who think education is a waste of money? Ignorance and lack of common sense is not going to take him far. Not wanting to study further is a different issue but being judgemental and unable to understand someone else's perspective is stupid.
I wonder who mentors him? Who would? Very rarely do kids listen to anyone be it in India or the US. Well that was stupid to ask since his college and peers probably made him believe that he can fly rockets and therefore act like a prima donna. But my interaction with him kept a throbbing pain in my head the burnt of which had to be borne my own sister's son. ;-)
The next time I called my sister's son I made it very clear to him that engineering is not Moses's stick that can divide a sea. Its just a means to a source. He is thirteen and did not follow a word of what I was saying infact he was more busy with list of things he needed from the US. How cute and innocent and I hope he remains so or he knows that Rupa masi is going to whup his ass up.
I know at the age of twenty kids are dumb atleast I was. But to have the nerve to judge and then criticize someone and something you have no idea about is absolutely not acceptable. Being a peacock is one thing but opening feathers when there is no rain is another thing. Again its not about profession its just about knowing what oneself and respecting others. When did this happen to kids in India. Where are these words coming from? Our culture is of tolerance and respect. Are we loosing it or is it just this one kid that behaved so. I hope I am wrong and I hope there is hope. Because if this is how the future generation behaves then I do wonder how India would look or feel? Like a proud peacock or like it should be, humble, kind, loving and of all grounded?
When I lived in Mangalore I was in touch with them but then as time passed things changed and so did I. I never forgot my brother-in-law's generosity when I was in college for which I still respect him but I never re-connected because my life had taken a turn for good. And the new life had too many characters to deal with and one more addition would only complicate it. Also once I moved to Mangalore I realized that a holy circle had already been formed years ago and I could never break into the group of the chosen ones. For them I was the city girl, a subject of criticism, which of course I ignored and took only good. It was only later in life when my status changed that people's opinion changed (atleast that's what I think) which also lead to this great google chat with my long lost nephew.
He somehow made it to some engineering college and like so many boyz and girlz back home he is happy and proud like a peacock. He is at the age and time where he thinks that the skill he is learning will make him god's gift to mankind. Well I used to think the same at his age until harsh realities of life bit me right in the ass. However he comes from not so great a family background and hopefully he will take the family status up and open the gateway to America.
Never mind I am ofcourse very proud of him but at some time I had to give him a reality check. He began the conversation with what are you doing and I answered that I graduated from shcool and was working for a botique investement firm. He asked me which school and I replied Leavey School of Business at Santa Clara University, CA. For which his response was what's that some online school? Never heard of it before. He continued by saying is it any good? And then he went on with his ballad of praise about how hep his college was and so and so forth.
This answer shocked me for a simple reason that the college he goes to in India is at the best a dump with probably 100's and 1000's of kids competing against each other for the same job in all parts of India. It's unfortunate that he believes that as an engineer he would be a Rockstar. Well life does not work like that. Being arrogant is not hep. That is not the American way. Being kicked out from the house at the age of sixteen is the AMERICAN WAY. WOrking three jobs to stay afloat is THE AMERICAN WAY! Dressing up like a hobster is not the AMERICAN WAY! I wanted to say all that and more but then I let him talk becaue I know that within a few years he would be a frustrated little engineer looking for something else to just grow thereby proving Maslow's pyramid of needs true that not all needs are related to money and that there are other professions that exist on this earth which demand equal respect.
On the contrary my other nephew his first cousin owns a hotel in a city in south karnataka. He was never a bright kid but was always an amazing business man. Every single one of them criticized him for his choice of profession. My own aunt went,"Who will marry him?" My answer was well who cares? What if he does not get married and remains single? How does it matter? I am glad that he actually has done me so proud that now he owns a nice fancy apartment in the city and a car. He works and earns for himself. Honestly he is living my dream. Or lets say my plans are a little bit different but nevertheless the same. No matter how much my nephew brags unlike the hotelier he will always work for someone else. What a shame that he is not grounded! What a shame that his education did not teach him to be humble!
Apparently in my profession and experience I have come across proud peacocks, an extremely rare sight to savor ( I have met their very same peers who are surprisingly sweet and humble). One who claim that top 5 is the best and bulge brackets excellent. Well good for them. But my research has proven that ones with maximum success are the most humble. The only exception to the rule is a genius. They are arrogant because they are geniuses. But they accept their mistakes and improve and that is the reason they are geniuses. My experience in school and life has taught me to keep myself in check and I am glad I do that. After all there will always be someone better than me. How many could I possibly compete with? The most important lesson in life is seeing the rise of a person who we never expected to rise!
Well as the chat continued my nephew went on with his plans to work and he mentioned how very little much MBA from some school mattered and how he planned to do it in some fancy school. I asked him which school and replied I**** (I wanted to laugh my ass off but then I ignored him. Nothing against I**** just that he lives and breathes in a bubble that makes him think I**** is better than IIM or ISB or any other college. That is his level of maturity) Well lets move on.
Like every other good aunt I offered him help if he ever wanted to study further. Immediately came his reply,"I am good. My aim is to make money not waste more." That was the moment I bid him adieu and went on with my life. Of course I blocked him forever. What is the point in chatting with people who think education is a waste of money? Ignorance and lack of common sense is not going to take him far. Not wanting to study further is a different issue but being judgemental and unable to understand someone else's perspective is stupid.
I wonder who mentors him? Who would? Very rarely do kids listen to anyone be it in India or the US. Well that was stupid to ask since his college and peers probably made him believe that he can fly rockets and therefore act like a prima donna. But my interaction with him kept a throbbing pain in my head the burnt of which had to be borne my own sister's son. ;-)
The next time I called my sister's son I made it very clear to him that engineering is not Moses's stick that can divide a sea. Its just a means to a source. He is thirteen and did not follow a word of what I was saying infact he was more busy with list of things he needed from the US. How cute and innocent and I hope he remains so or he knows that Rupa masi is going to whup his ass up.
I know at the age of twenty kids are dumb atleast I was. But to have the nerve to judge and then criticize someone and something you have no idea about is absolutely not acceptable. Being a peacock is one thing but opening feathers when there is no rain is another thing. Again its not about profession its just about knowing what oneself and respecting others. When did this happen to kids in India. Where are these words coming from? Our culture is of tolerance and respect. Are we loosing it or is it just this one kid that behaved so. I hope I am wrong and I hope there is hope. Because if this is how the future generation behaves then I do wonder how India would look or feel? Like a proud peacock or like it should be, humble, kind, loving and of all grounded?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Three rooms, big windows and doors
"We are moving." Those were my father's words. I was eight and we had been living in a one bedroom apartment for over fifteen years. We all had too many memories associated with the nest we called home. It was hard for me to move because moving involved changes such as making new friends, getting used to new environment. Gosh! the list was endless but I was excited too. Not that two bedroom apartment would change anything much for us. Just that mom and dad would get a bedroom and much needed privacy. Eventually the novelty died and the new apartment became routine something integral part of our daily life and now when we did visit the old apartment we did not feel much of a difference. I guess life's like that we mourn and we move on.
It was then that I decided that I would never get emotionally attached to any one place in my life. For me home was a place people made special and it did not matter where or how it was as long as it was sturdy and happy. My belief system got me through my life for some time then on because soon after high school we moved to Mangalore and then I graduated and moved to Banglaore and for now I am in the US. In the US we moved apartments four times. And everytime we moved I realized how difficult it was to move things and start from the scratch. To mantle and then dismantle. Getting used to new environment was least of the challenges. How I wished I was a kid again and my parents would take care of everything. How priorities change.
The bigger challenge is to decide upon where to move. Being in bay area makes it so much more harder. Places where the apartments are good they tend to be expensive and places where they are not expensive tend to be ghetto's! Worse are the houses. We recently visited an open house. It was a three bedroom townhome. Pretty generous as far as teh sqaure feet is concerned. Around 1400 sqft. But then it was right of the road with a crappy school district. The townhome was listed at $649k. Why was it so expensive. Well lots of reasons make it special at least according to the agent. We were told things such as proximity to shopping complex, work places such as Cisco, and Intel. He went on and on plus the home was supposedly just three years old. And when new people bought them for over $700k. Ridiculous prices according to me.
Contradictory to the economy I saw people flocking to see the homes and were willingly bidding on it. Of course the target crowd consisted of newly wed couple who were eager to invest their money (Seems like the bubble bursted elsewhere and they are leaving in a bubble of their own), or people who wanted to invest. There may be a thousand reasons I will not judge after all, "For each his/her own." Some people seek advice and some think they know it all. Well good for them.
That day I called my mother and told her my experience. She was surprised because when my parents were looking for an apartment in Mumbai their prirority was just an apartment that fit their budget and the money they paid was in cash from their savings. Today the credit market has made people reach out and buy things they think they want no matter what the price. In one way its good. Hoarding is not good for any economy. It only creates unequal distribution of wealth and income. But the point is where does a home become a home. Where does a person in bay area say,"Ok I like it and I will buy it." When does a person say,"I will break this vicious cycle and get myself educated and not buy houses for exhorbitant prices just based on school district."
Question is would doing that change anything. Paying over $600k for a house in not so good school district means that one ends up shelling over $300k per child only in school every year plus another $400k for bachelors and masters who the hell knows? Maybe I will diswon my child by then! People buy houses not based on priorities they treat it as another investment. What a shame. Because I did some math and realized that the same money kept in bank, or invested in good equity or bonds will earn more returns over a period of time. Investment in houses will yield returns only when bought in full cash that too subject to the area where it is located.
Which means one should buy a home because they want something to create memories. To make their children feel at home. To create a kingdom of their own not to invest and then invest again. When I said this to my friend she went,"Then why live here better to go home." Just as irksome that response was I replied," Well India is not cheaper either." I remember my sister struggling to buy a site in India for INR 300,000. She managed to do so in 2000. A neat 1200 sq ft piece of land. Today the same land is worth INR 3.5 million. Unfreaking believable! Inflation at over 15% is not good for any country especially India. I am here because I want to be here. If I wanted to be there I would be there. In any case why is anyone here. We all are here for some reason. Once here we do not get to judge. We only get to respectfully disagree. Anyways That's not the topic of discussion and I have better things to use my brains for. Maybe if she were working she would know how much her husband pays for the million dollar house she lives in. The last time I saw him he had lost 20 pounds and some hair.
When you drive 30 miles to work and slog 12 hours every day you wonder how easy it is to judge anyone? Of course that is not the topic of discussion.The point at the end of the day is that priorities have changed from one generation to another. There was time when people bought houses because it had three bed rooms (much needed when you have children), big windows and doors (for brightness and sunshine). And now people buy for some other reasons. Reasons such as investment, school district, closer to work, lake, reasons that hardly make sense. Reasons that are a luxury and not necessity. Result houses with jacked up prices. But people buy and someday so will I for my own reasons and more and I will at the end join the club of all the home owners who bought and sought a home, a dream, a cash cow for goodness or worse.
It was then that I decided that I would never get emotionally attached to any one place in my life. For me home was a place people made special and it did not matter where or how it was as long as it was sturdy and happy. My belief system got me through my life for some time then on because soon after high school we moved to Mangalore and then I graduated and moved to Banglaore and for now I am in the US. In the US we moved apartments four times. And everytime we moved I realized how difficult it was to move things and start from the scratch. To mantle and then dismantle. Getting used to new environment was least of the challenges. How I wished I was a kid again and my parents would take care of everything. How priorities change.
The bigger challenge is to decide upon where to move. Being in bay area makes it so much more harder. Places where the apartments are good they tend to be expensive and places where they are not expensive tend to be ghetto's! Worse are the houses. We recently visited an open house. It was a three bedroom townhome. Pretty generous as far as teh sqaure feet is concerned. Around 1400 sqft. But then it was right of the road with a crappy school district. The townhome was listed at $649k. Why was it so expensive. Well lots of reasons make it special at least according to the agent. We were told things such as proximity to shopping complex, work places such as Cisco, and Intel. He went on and on plus the home was supposedly just three years old. And when new people bought them for over $700k. Ridiculous prices according to me.
Contradictory to the economy I saw people flocking to see the homes and were willingly bidding on it. Of course the target crowd consisted of newly wed couple who were eager to invest their money (Seems like the bubble bursted elsewhere and they are leaving in a bubble of their own), or people who wanted to invest. There may be a thousand reasons I will not judge after all, "For each his/her own." Some people seek advice and some think they know it all. Well good for them.
That day I called my mother and told her my experience. She was surprised because when my parents were looking for an apartment in Mumbai their prirority was just an apartment that fit their budget and the money they paid was in cash from their savings. Today the credit market has made people reach out and buy things they think they want no matter what the price. In one way its good. Hoarding is not good for any economy. It only creates unequal distribution of wealth and income. But the point is where does a home become a home. Where does a person in bay area say,"Ok I like it and I will buy it." When does a person say,"I will break this vicious cycle and get myself educated and not buy houses for exhorbitant prices just based on school district."
Question is would doing that change anything. Paying over $600k for a house in not so good school district means that one ends up shelling over $300k per child only in school every year plus another $400k for bachelors and masters who the hell knows? Maybe I will diswon my child by then! People buy houses not based on priorities they treat it as another investment. What a shame. Because I did some math and realized that the same money kept in bank, or invested in good equity or bonds will earn more returns over a period of time. Investment in houses will yield returns only when bought in full cash that too subject to the area where it is located.
Which means one should buy a home because they want something to create memories. To make their children feel at home. To create a kingdom of their own not to invest and then invest again. When I said this to my friend she went,"Then why live here better to go home." Just as irksome that response was I replied," Well India is not cheaper either." I remember my sister struggling to buy a site in India for INR 300,000. She managed to do so in 2000. A neat 1200 sq ft piece of land. Today the same land is worth INR 3.5 million. Unfreaking believable! Inflation at over 15% is not good for any country especially India. I am here because I want to be here. If I wanted to be there I would be there. In any case why is anyone here. We all are here for some reason. Once here we do not get to judge. We only get to respectfully disagree. Anyways That's not the topic of discussion and I have better things to use my brains for. Maybe if she were working she would know how much her husband pays for the million dollar house she lives in. The last time I saw him he had lost 20 pounds and some hair.
When you drive 30 miles to work and slog 12 hours every day you wonder how easy it is to judge anyone? Of course that is not the topic of discussion.The point at the end of the day is that priorities have changed from one generation to another. There was time when people bought houses because it had three bed rooms (much needed when you have children), big windows and doors (for brightness and sunshine). And now people buy for some other reasons. Reasons such as investment, school district, closer to work, lake, reasons that hardly make sense. Reasons that are a luxury and not necessity. Result houses with jacked up prices. But people buy and someday so will I for my own reasons and more and I will at the end join the club of all the home owners who bought and sought a home, a dream, a cash cow for goodness or worse.
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