Weighing games!

Question: What scares me the most? Answer: Cockroaches, spiders, death, pain, and of course the great weighing scale! Yes, I have always hated standing on that nasty machine that makes me hate my own body. But now that I am into the fifth week of my diet and exercise regiment I have no choice but to check my weight in order to gauge my progress. With a heavy mind and heart today I stood on the scale and guess what I officially lost five pounds! Yes! That was so encouraging. I mean I have heard stories where people work out all the time and loose nothing. For me who fits into such category it was a major surprise.

Having said that I would like to look back at these past weeks and recollect my actions to see what was that I did right and what was it that I did wrong!

1. I worked out every single day of the week for a minimum of sixty minutes.

2. Totally cut down "White" from my diet. My new mantra is,"White is blight!"

3. Drank lots and lots of fluids.

4. Measured every single thing I ate.

5. Ate once every three hours and avoided huge meals.

6. Kept away from starch and oily items.

7. Swam one mile once a week.

Now when I think of all that I did I feel that working out every single day of the week was a little harsh on my body which of course came out in the form of severe fatigue. I remember one of the days I was so tired that I could not get up from the bed. So by the time I reached third week I did work out all seven days of the week but I changed the intensity. In the sense three times a week I do cardio and the rest it is more of pumping heart rate which in fact was more effective than the earlier strategy. Five miles a day of walk at the correct pace can help burn more calories than one can imagine. As I said maintaining the correct heart rate is the key.

Second thing is food. I guess my idea of nibbling did not take me far along. My body refused to give up all kinds of food so I now incorporate everything in moderation though I still feel that,"White is blight!" I can see the difference of eating more fiber that white stuff which is nothing but carb plus it constipates me.

Third thing is not mentioned above since it is a bit personal. In the sense I have heard people say,"Oh! Breastfeeding is like walking on a tread mill!" Yeah right! I am sorry to disappoint women who believe that. Per my instructor breastfeeding burns calories but then it also commands the body to eat more and when one breaks the rule and skips meals then body gets nutrition from other places which means a woman can loose lot of calcium in her life time and end up with other severe problems. 

The point is to not loose 100 pounds in two months. Weight loss should be a slow and gradual process. For me unlike a supermodel the goal is to be healthy and that means I have to build up muscle strength or else I will loose a lot of fat with the muscle. Fat goes fine but if muscle tears then it is again a whole lot of complication.

So moral of the story is to do different things at different times. Also I noticed that swimming made me super hungry. So I found a solution for that. I eat 2 tbsp of potato after I swim and that curbs the hunger and I am good to eat small meals and continue my routine. 

All in all these five weeks were good and considering the fact that I need to loose close to another 30 lbs I better going with my fitness regime.

Till next weighing game!

Jazz me up!

Somehow we always want to think that we are fat and not overweight. We step on the scale again and again hoping that at least this time the scale will show a lower number, which of course never happens. Tired of this occurrence of a damned phenomenon I went ahead and bought a new weighing scale. But alas it showed the same weight no matter how many times I stepped on that forbidden piece of thing. Having failed my number game I decided to join a gym and control my diet. Yeah right! like I have never done that before!

Yes, I have made this same resolution a million times and a million times have I failed!

What caused such bitter result? Over the years I have realized that the prime reason for dissolution of my resolve is my severe consciousness about my body.For instance every time I would make my grand entry to a gym and step on a tread mill I would walk at 3mph slowly and then gradually increase my pace. Happy at my development and stamina I would decide to lift my head and gaze around.

Right here is where I realized I committed a grave mistake because suddenly some where in that corner I would see a skinny bitch running at 10mph and poof!!! my will power would shatter into a million pieces. And suddenly just like that like a tiny poodle pushing my tail between my legs I would slowly step down from the treadmill and drive home. Deprived of my much needed glory I would binge thinking I will walk an extra mile the next day, which of course would never happen.

This year too like many years my resolve began with my first jazzercize class. Trying my best to fit into my old gym clothes I entered the class filled with women excited to be where they were. Their smiles seemed so out of place. I  mean how can you dance and smile at the same time? Having retreated one too many times I decided to not look at others when working out. As soon as the instructor put on the music and moved her legs I did the same. For some time I had trouble coordinating my body movements. The first ten minutes were all about anger and anxiety and not being able to do what the instructor was doing.

Irritated I decided to see how indeed others were doing and there came the shock of my life. People around me were twice heavier than I was, probably renowned for their girth and danced awkwardly with no idea as to where their hands, head, or legs were going. Call me sadistic but right there lied my key to success. That was my moment and I basked in it!

I lived it for a few seconds and suddenly as happy I was I danced the very way I wanted to dance with a huge smile that beat all other smiles under the roof. For once I was thinner than others and I could dance better than the rest. Yay! So much for all these years wasted on a tread mill and elliptical machines next to those shriveled bodies that remotely resemble a woman! Sheesh!

Thank God for my revelation. From now on classes such as these are my best friend and yes I am all set to be jazzed away!

Shedding Keechy!

CK calls Keeshy and the conversation goes something like this, CK: "Hey Keeshy I won't be car pooling today."
Keeshy:"Why?"
CK:"I need to take a detour on the way."
 Keeshy:"That's fine man I can afford to reach office a little late I anyways work six hours you see unlike you who stays late."
CK annoyed,"Yeah that's not the point my work may take couple of hours."
Keeshy,"That's perfectly fine with me."
CK:"No No I do not and cannot make it. Sorry. Bye!"

Saying so CK slammed the phone on the table and looked at me in exasperation. It was at that moment that I burst into laughter which further infuriated CK.

Now for you as a reader to reckon the situation I will have to rewind a little bit.

On 23rd May CK and I bought our new house in Fremont, CA and as usual CK, a self-proclaimed environmentalist decided to hunt for prospective car pool partners at work. After a few days he recieved couple of responses which led to his healthy habit of car pooling. Some and alternate days they would all car pool together. So far so good. What happens next is disruption on this pleasant experience with the entrance of a very interesting character named Keechy.

Keechy who read the car pool mail was slow to react but was successful in convincing everyone that he could be a sustainable and reliable car pool partner which lead to the beginning of this drama.

Day One of car pool. Keechy drives up to our place. All sit inside CK's car and suddenly Keechy exclaims,"What man your RX model must be expensive?" For a few minutes no one understands the relevance of Keechy's question. In order to maintain peace and dignity CK replied,"Keechy you drive a Lexus car yourself don't you? That must be expensive too!" Keechy goes,"No man that car my brother gave it to me as a present. Personally I would never waste so much money on a car." To this CK's friends asked Keechy,"Your brother gave and you took?" Keechy,"Yeah man. He is rich. He founded his company and made it big. He shows it as gift for deduction and uses it whenever he needs it."

Everyone amazed at Keechy's luck decided to not talk furthermore although Keechy went on and on about how Lexus was a crimminal waste of money.

Day 2 another friend's turn. Keechy enters the car and goes,"Man Honda is so small no. Not much place for all. I feel tight tight can I move forward?" Friend goes,"Sure CK can you move to the back seat?"Grumbling CK does as asked. Keechy as usual moves to the front and says nothing to CK but manages to again criticize Lexus over Honda.

Day 3 another friend's car. Keechy enters the scenario and starts the conversation,"Prius is the best no? Full paisa vasool. I made calculations..."

Day 4 no one shows up but Keechy shows up at our door steps. "Hey CK no one showed up why man? Something wrong?" CK says,"Yes we all work from home on this day. Keechy's response to this,"No one told me man. I am all ready lets go." CK,"I cannot. I have decided to stay home and work remotely." Keechy,"No No I have to go." I enter the picture and tell Keechy that I need CK to stay home. Reluctantly Keechy drives alone.

Day 5 Keechy's turn. Keechy's contorted face is an indication that he did not like the idea of driving alone the previous day. Everyone anxiously waits for him to pull the car and Keechy goes,"I am not driving my car since I drove alone yesterday. I will pull car out next week. Fair game. It was not my fault that no one showed up yesterday." Flabbergasted CK decides to set controversy aside and volunteers to drive everyone. Once inside Keechy goes,"How much gas used so far man? Must be lots and lots!" That day I saw CK's other side when he confessed in me his budding desire to strangle Keechy.

Day 6: Keechy comes running to CK and calls everyone at work in the evening and says,"My wife is getting tense and is unable to handle our two daughters I should go help her." People decide not to pay heed to Keechy and continue with their work. That evening Keechy grumbles all the way about how fortunate others are to have wives who understand their husband's career and adjust accordingly. Per him his wife a "home maker" is incompetent and needs his help all the time. Additionally he cannot understand how people find work to do for more than six hours. For him eight hours leads to jittery nerves. The saga goes on till everyone's ears are sore.

That evening there was a gathering that excluded Keechy. For once men started scheming against their own kind. It was unanimously decided that Keechy should be left out from the group starting immediately.

However, the real challenge was to bell the cat. Who was to do it? That's when all the eyes turned towards CK. It was time for CK to become a cold-hearted leader.

And when the day dawned he made the much needed phone call that made me laugh to no ends because as soon as he kept the cell phone down it rang again and much to his dismay it was none other than Keechy leaving a very long voice mail. CK panicked and called others to assemble at a new place and just when he stepped out of the house guess who was waiting outside for him??????

Yes! none other than Keechy the great! Furious at CK for doing what he did he just walked straight upto CK and said,"Hey man don't worry. I have no hard feelings. Now where are the others? Come lets go its getting so late no!"

And with that the coup had ended miserably. The story remained the same and has continued ever since.

So much for master planning the shedding of Keechy the Great!

Hunting bride!

Off late there has been lot of discussion and speculation about my brother-in-law's marriage. Speculation why? Because his hunt for bride has now reached two year anniversary with futile results. Every time we call we hear one or the other story as to how and why the girl rejected him. All this furiates my husband who thinks that his brother should widen his options and be more flexible. His harsh words do not go well with his family and I beg him to cool down and make him understand that things are not the way it was six years ago.

I remember the time I got engaged to my husband. In our case my spouse had chosen me over five other contenders of whom I had absolutely no knowledge. And now is a day where women get to choose and this does not go well with the alpha males and dormant passively aggressive females.

Now why and how did this day dawn upon the Indian male species (No idea about other races)? To understand this we need to focus our attention on two things; one is the fact that male to female ratio has significantly changed with the latter reducing in number on a daily basis and number two is the fact that women as of this time and age have managed to carve a place for themselves in the society. Financial independence and self confidence has given them the much needed leverage that lacked in Indian society for a long time. This change in equation not only hurts majority of men who dominated over women almost forever but also women who want their daughter-in-laws to share the same fate as that of theirs.

Now come to think of it when there is more demand than supply why would a girl not pick and choose? Does being a woman mean that she cannot have choices? Definitely not! As a feminist I am all for gender equality and fairness but what bothers me is that some women when provided with options try to exploit the opportunity by giving it a different shade and color. How so is a question many a minds may ask!

Let me support or answer my argument with real life experience. My borther-in-law went to meet one of the many girls his parents had picked for him. Even before they could get acquainted with each other the girl asked him straight faced as to what his income was? For a minute my brother-in-law did not know how to react. His reaction was to pretend that he received an urgent call and leave. Now was what the girl did right? or let me put it this way should my borther-in-law have left instead of answering her question?

When I heard about his experience I felt nothing wrong with the girl asking the "income" question. What  actually bothered me was the timing. Beginning a conversation with a sensitive question killed both their chances. As far as my brother-in-law was concerned he was convinced that the girl did not like him hence repelled him by asking the "income" question.

Then there were girls who asked him if he would expect them to stay with his parents after marriage. And some who dared to call his parents, "scrap machines." Best was when one of the girls told him that she would marry him only if he agreed to the "five mile" clause. That is she would marry him only if he moved away five miles from his parents but closer to her parents. Some even tried to warn him that after marriage he could not ask them to contribute one penny of their income towards anything of his demand or choice. Amazed at his experience I wondered when did things go from docile to dynamite?

Answer is very simple. Ultrasound entered into the picture when parents adamant for a male child got rid of female fetus like weed. And who ever willingly signed up for daughters ended up owning the rarest inventory. They decided to raise their daughters boldly and offered them the best of what a male child was entitled to receive.

Apparently an open India offered such daughters a good life and career which parents welcomed with all cheers and laughter. Today these parents have daughters who have reached or crossed marriageable age but they do not seem to be willing to trade their daughter's who lay golden eggs for men who might not want to buy into this financial independent wife idea. I totally understand their fears and I support their idea. Why should a daughter be expected to not support her parents after marriage when a son can do the same married or unmarried?  Are only men entitled to take care of their parents? Surely not!

But what bothers me is that these very same parents who are in a deep dilemma, courtesy society's questions about their daughter's martial prospects, willingly or unwillingly push their daughters into marriage thereby placing their daughters in a very awkward position. This adds fuel to fire with women trying to strike a balance between what they want and what their parents want.Then there are specific issues related with women of certain professions who make it very clear that for them their career is their priority and would prefer not to have kids in future or quit work for any reason.

I understand all these cases and I am fine with women having ideals and desires of their own but what I do not understand is if women have so many constraints then why do they prefer to see men who do not fit their requirements? or Why get married to begin with because any married couple will admit that marriage is all about compromises. Not adjusting means ending a relationship before it even begins.

Also I am all for women who do not prefer to ditch their parents for in-laws after all a girl's parents deserve their love and support but when did naming parents as "Scrap" come into fashion? Not all in-laws live harmoniously and I feel its better if distance is maintained but when did "five mile" clause become a pre-requisite?

Is this what education and career does to women? I am yet to see. I keep telling my brother-in-law to widen his options and understand that women today are not like his mother any more. He agrees with me and admits that at this point he does not mind marrying any girl who is fine with how and what he does or is.

But then every time we call we try to dig information and it is then we realize that maybe he is afterall not ready to face these new breed of women. That he is still stuck in some era where women blindly followed their husbands footsteps and had no individuality. Or maybe he is scared that even if he did find the right girl then what are the chances that she will not divorce him? Just like him and his likes even we are confused and are  in the process of understanding what a girl today needs from a boy? Is it good character, money, or a toy that dances to their tunes?

Bigger question is whether we will ever know answers to any of these questions or is it that we are asking for just too much!

 For now all I know is just as much as you who reads know for rest of the time we will continue our hunt for the bride.

Facing the demon

Scene 1 (flick flick flick): I am feeding my daughter and the phone rings. I ignore it initially but then realize that the calls from Dr.Silverman. I rush over to grab the phone whilst my daughter shrieks at the top of her voice for snatching away the most favorite thing from her mouth. Not knowing what to do I dump her on the chaise and answer the call. After a hasty hi I ask Dr.Silverman what dreaded news does he have in store for me? Yes that's right Post partum check ups followed by phone calls from OBGYN are the worst nightmare for any woman. Almost all the time it ends up with a sad sob. In my case true to my hunch Dr.Silverman conveys the NEWS--"Roopali your HbA1c count is a little towards the higher end looks like you are pre-diabetic. Now I do not want you to panic just take it easy make dietary changes and follow up with an internist and everything will be fine."

Fine! How is anyone supposed to be fine after knowing something one does not wish to know. All my years of life I prayed dearly to God begging to not make me a candidate for diabetes and here I am witnessing an event that was not supposed to happen. I passed my thank you to Dr.Silverman and off I went to my baby who was happy to find the nipple she was deprived of a few minutes ago. I wept for some time and then staring vaguely I  decided to recollect all that happened from the ringing of the phone to ending the conversation with Dr.Silverman and I thought what is there to panic about. I mean come to think of it all my life only extreme things have happened to me and every time I have capsized fate's plan. This gave me courage and slowly my brains took over my heart and I decided to chalk down what I had to do to "Face the Demon."

First things first I met an internist who is of my ethnicity and understands South Asian lineage better. His advice was to get my physical done which I had avoided for a long time since I find it to be terribly boring and put me on a diet and exercise routine. Even before I could oppose he said,"Ms.Sharma I know you lead a busy life but for you its now or never." That was good enough to get me started. 

Whenever I could I visited the closest of gym and enrolled into their annual membership. I then joined swimming class and took up strength training. Today is Day one of my entire plan of not loosing weight but getting healthier is what I like to call it. Becoming healthy is more important to me than having Victoria Beckham's waist line. Not that I would not mind having one. But the point is to have smaller goals to keep one going. If I plan to walk 30 minutes I am sure I can easily push myself to 45 minutes. If I attend Jazzercise I am sure I will try and make it to Zumba. But if I straight away attend a boot camp and get exhausted then I know nothing will materialize and I will eventually give up.

Now having taken care of the physical part I need to concentrate on food habits. I have totally cut out white rice, oily items, too much dairy from my diet. Now its all about loading up on protein. Its not easy to move from one form of diet to another but its not difficult either. Its a simple policy that is easy to live with. Eat once in every three hours and eat small portions. Do that and there is a significant change in the numbers. 

Today is my first official day of exercising after fixing my dislocated pelvis bone (I have chronic sciatica) which means starting now I need to know how many pounds I am able to loose every week. For now weighing scale looks and feels ugly hopefully by the end of this month I will have something worthy to say. So till next month or who knows if I reach my goal earlier then till a fortnight.

Loving it!

Someone once said, "Days full of hard work and nights full of sleep what more can a man ask for?" I don't know about a man but as a woman I surely wish for days as well as nights full of sleep. There was a time when I snored my way to glory whenever I wanted to and now is a time where I sleep listening to my 70 day old baby snore her way to drool heaven or whatever that is called.

Life was never simple but it was not this complicated either. For instance a simple task of eating food stretches from ten to sixty minutes. It helps you in a way from not gaining those extra pounds. But then your taste buds die of starvation and stomach throws a fit. Simple pleasures feel like luxury.

There was a time when commode was my precious throne that I for one cherished and now its just a means of passing crap out of my body. The day my princess was born I held her in my arms and I knew I was the happiest mother in all of the universe and just when I was in the moment my princess howled so loud that I wondered if she was possessed. Thank heaven for all she wanted according to the nurse was milk and I was asked to offer her highness my swollen breasts. Every time I tried to give her my awkwardly shaped nipple she would bite so hard that I would wish I could slap her hard but then that 21 inch being looked so frail that love overcame annoyance. Every nurse had a different idea and apparently none worked. The so called lactation expert with five kids needs a good whup on her ass for not understanding that Asian women do not have flaps of breast lying under their bra. We are not heavy breasted and need help pushing in whatever little teats we have got inside the mouths of our little ones. Apparently as I guessed help came from our 65 year old Indian pediatrician who knew just what the issue was and from then on there was no looking back. 

Of all the experiences what bothered me most was my episiotomy and my mother (who is all Old school)!!!.

First episiotomy--- Episiotomy  means that your bottoms sore and you have trouble sitting. I had the option of feeding her when lying down but I was against it since my daughter was a feisty gulper who always choked on her own bile. Come to milk and we are talking about WWII. On top of that I had my mother chiming on and off,"Oh why is she crying maybe you do not have enough milk or not feeding her enough." This was told by her inspite of witnessing her grand daughter ravenously feeding off of me like every fifteen minutes!!! A small confrontation with the doctor eventually shut my mother up. Well that is what I guess is called GEN GAP! 

With great difficulty as I mentioned I beat my episiotomy. The best thing I did was to sit in a bath tub filled with warm water and potassium permanganate or whatever it is called. It did two things disinfected my wound and got rid of the puss there by helping it heal better. But if there is one thing I would want to delete from my experience then it would be the episiotomy. 

Eventually my wound healed and I regained my lost energy. Feeding got a lot better. But baby started to improve her learning skills and with that came the charade of poop, pee, and bile. Not that it was not present  earlier it is just that other than poop everything consistently increased. The biggest enemy turned out to be GAS. My daughter has constipation and gas issues. A lot of people suggested the use of gripe water which for a long time I pondered over until my doctor gave me the green signal saying give her gripe water that is alcohol free. Hearing this my happiness knew no bounds I got her "Mommy's Bliss Gripe Water" and believe it or not it works like magic. One has no idea how much it pleases a mother to hear her baby fart or poop. Another good supplement is Mylicone or so (not sure how it is spelled) but this my friend is a mother's life saver. It creates instant bowel movement and helps the baby digest food better.

Courtesy these magic potions the clingy colicy evenings have changed from worse, bad to better. So has her sleep schedule. I am one of the few lucky mother's whose baby sleeps through the night. I do not know how long will I be blessed but as long as it goes on I am good. One thing that I have learned from my experience is that when you are a new mother you ought to take each day the way it comes. The best thing to do is sleep when the baby sleeps or else you will be exhausted.

Looking back I do realize that my life has changed a full 360 degree but the change is worth all the extra effort.There are times when I cry of frustration and sometimes I want to run away  from my baby for a few moments. But at the end of the day when the tide has settled and the sea is calm I see my baby's smiling face, the coos and caah's and I want to do all that I did all over again.

Maybe that's why people who have nineteen kids don't mind having more and are still counting. I have to confess having babies can be addictive and this one addiction I must confess, "I am loving it!"

An end, a beginning!

When sleep eludes you and your body hurts to bit and pieces you know you are done with the big belly you are carrying around. 36 weeks is the exact definition of a full term labor meaning starting 36th week if the baby decides to pop out then it is perfectly fine with no need of an incubator. That in one way is very relieving to hear because the very thought of having a preemie always freaked me out.

Having said that doctors always count on 38th week to greet the baby with a big happy smile. Well who is to decide a baby's fate? As my friends say,"She will come when the time is right!" I very well know that but then there are days like today when even sitting feels like a task. The continuous throbbing in my head and puffy eyes have pretty much rendered me lethargic. Walking, sitting, standing, dreaming everything seems like an effort. Every time my stomach growls I wish I had someone serving me with whatever is that I desired for.

The list is endless but there are also things one gets prepared for through these painful experiences. To begin with aches and pains prepare body for the much anticipated vaginal birth. Sleepless nights are like a peek into a mother's future. And desire to cry are of course just the hormones. Hunger increases since the baby grows rapidly. So what is that I do to cope with all these problems?

To begin with I pester my spouse for massages and in fact have a very good chiropractor who manages my back. Thanks to her my pregnancy has so far been bearable if not pleasant. Then there are afternoon power naps that help rejuvenate. At night I pile up huge stack of pillows to rest my back on and sleep in a reclined position. It is not very comfortable but atleast it does not tire my shoulders and back. For hunger with Gestational Diabetes I eat once in every two hours. I do measure my portions and at times just binge without thinking twice. There is a better solution to loose all the aches and pains and that is to fill water in a jaccuzi or bath tub and sit inside it. This does two things; one it pulls the body weight off you and two it calms your mind. Initially I was a bit hesitant and lazy but as time passed I appreciated being in water. In my stage accessing pool is a little too risky considering the size of my belly otherwise pools are an excellent option.

Homeopathic ointments go a long way as far as healing backs are concerned and most importantly if there are days when you feel like not getting up from bed then just do not get up. I have had my husband frown up on me once or twice for not giving him breakfast but I could not care less because it is me who ultimately has to get through the day and not him. Expecting consideration from others just because you are pregnant is a big mistake. I do not blame others since its only now at this stage that I can emphatize with any other pregnant woman.

Then there is this urge to weep. What I do to soothe myself is lock myself in the bedroom and weep. Once done I feel so light and happy that I forget the reason I wept for. It is said that expectant mothers tend to isolate oneself towards the end of their pregnancy which atleast in my case is true. I no longer leave my bedroom and am all the time reading or thinking. It helps me bond with my baby and understand why I loose temper for no good reason.

Nature has its own strange way of dealing with things and trying to defy it will only make things worse. In the past nine months I have had best and worst of times but right now all I want to do is meet my baby. Of late I dream of holding my baby in my arms and wondering how she would look like or there are times when I dream of feeding her and playing with her. The best part is that the dreams are so very vivid that I can still see them with my eyes open.

Ultimately for all the aches and pains, kicks and jabs, epidurals and breathing excercises all I pray and hope is that when it is over it actually it begins a new series of happiness, kicks, tantrums, laughter, cries, tears, hugs and mainly love. Lots of it!

Living Gestational Diabetes

14th week appointment: Doctor to me: "I see you have a big family history of Type II diabetes, you have a higher BMI, although everything else looks perfectly fine. I suggest you take the Glucose Tolerance Test early maybe before the end of this week."
That's when my heart raced so fast that I could here it beating in my eyes!! And as very much feared I was indeed intolerant of crabohydrate marking me as a high risk pregnancy. What followed then was series of tests  one ultrasound for checking baby's heart another for brain, the list was endless. Like every other GD candidate I too was sent over to meet a dietician. One in Obstetrix Medical Group.

It is what later became my routine week after week. I appreciated the enlightenment that was bestowed upon me by the dietician but what I detested the most was the way she addressed me. Seems like they treat all women with GD as kindergarteners who have no idea as to what has them clutched by its tentacles. Her words to me were,"You are a high risk pregnancy and if you do not control your sugar level then you could end up having a 12 lbs baby or a pre term labor both of which are extremely dangerous." Having said that she gave me a list of food items that I could eat which was nothing!!

For the first time in my life I cursed myself for being a vegeterian. I mean my diet was supposed to consist of 30gms carbohydrate and 30 grams of protien at a gap of every two hours. I found carbohydrate everywhere but protien was something that I failed to find. It came as a shocker to me the fact as to how much little protien as a vegeterian I ate.

The first two weeks were the hardest of all since I practically starved at every meal and started losing considerable weight which caused my dietician to panic. She called me over immediately and warned me that I could put my health in jeopardy by not eating right. For half an hour she lectured me on how I might have to go on insulin and that is when she pissed me off. Totally!!!

I mean here I was struggling to find alternatives to my new lifestyle and there she was treating me with carrot and stick approach. I snarled at her and fired back. I made it very clear to her that if this is how she intended to behave then I would be forced to find a new dietician and she can kiss her $400 every appointment good bye!

That's when she came to her senses and gave me time to get used to my new ally. Ally, yes because GD was this rude awakening that I got. Something that made me realize how easily I was fooled by labels at supermarket. How everything that glittered was not gold. For instance lentils, half a cup of cooked lentils has around 30 grams of carb and only 5 grams of protien, oats that the world is so crazy about has more carbs than one could dream of and less than 3 grams of protien. Bottom line is carb is unhealthy just as the way all purpose flour or any other fried item is! Carbs unless burnt in the right manner automatically turn into sugar and then fat which leads to obesity so people who eat the so-called right food and wonder why they are not loosing food need to know that a human body does not need more than 90 grams of carb and protien each on any given day.

Anything more or less unless burnt is dangerous! Apart from my struggles and deep ended frustration here are some cursors for vegeterians who suffer with GD:
1. There is this protien shake at walmart which provides 30 grams of protien and can be substituted as breakfast at any time.
2. Know and remember that one chapati or dosa has 30 grams of carb and less than 2 grams of protien
3. Egg if you can eat is a very good source of protien with very little carb
4. 8 oz of milk is 15 grams carb and can be used as a source of food and energy
5. Yogurt again just like milk should be eaten in ample quantities because it is a good source of protien
6. Quinoa is very high in carbs though better than white rice and the way it works is that it burns itself very slowly there by giving time for a individual to exercise and keep weight in control since the individual is bound to feel full for a long time but in my case I was hungry within an hour.
7. Kuthari, urpell or kusla akki as it is called in south kanara and kerala is excellent source of fiber and protien. It has lesser carbs than other alternatives such as brown rice though brown rice is equally good
8. Avoid white rice at any cost. There were days when I had to eat white rice and realized that one cup cooked white rice shot my sugar levels out of the roof
9. Avoid sugar even in juice or coffee and tea. One spoon sugar would keep my levels high the whole day. Try splenda instead
10. There are plenty of fruits such as plums, oranges, and others which have some protien and vitamin C and can be eaten two at a time. Avoid banana if possible since it is all carb and potassium
11. You can happily snack on fried items such as one small samosa or one cup of churmuri since they are not all carbs. It does not have carbs but has saturated fat. So beware about the quantity you plan on eating!!!!
12. Avoid maida, sabudana, besan/chick pea flour, these are what I call as poison that can almost create doomsday scenario for a GD candidate
13. Remember to eat once in every two hours. Any gap longer than that can create higher sugar levels.
14. You can find plenty of crackers and icecreams that are sugar free and low in carb at stores. Indulge and binge.
15. Try eating raw vegetables or grill them I do it almost all the time and I love it.
16. If you crave for white rice then there is this diabetic rice of Laxmi brand that is available at Indian stores that I use which keeps the sugar level under control.

More of all it is important to not let GD interfere in your time to have fun. If you are with friends and want to eat outside go for it. Do not pay heed to the dietician I have done enough research and mainly spoken to my OB gyn who made it very clear that occasional indulgence is OK! I am yet to come across a vegeterian woman who has given birth to a twelve pound baby.
Of course excercise is quintessential and that goes without saying. Do not excercise with the hope to have a vaginal delivery since that part of child birth depends heavily on situations and conditions.

These are few of the things I did and tips I have to offer. I know how it feels to know that you cannot eat what you crave for but hey! look at the upside when the world is busy gaining weight here you are looking just the way you did and fitting into your old tank tops just fine.

All I invested in was a pair of elastic pants other than that I was good to go and still am. Currently i am 34 weeks pregnant and with the diet and excercise mentioned above I have kept my GD well under control and am not using any medication. So if that gives even an ounce of hope to women somewhere then I am good to go. So long and happy bulging belly!

Mommy Diaries Part II

A peek into the past few weeks of my life is a testimony to the amount of time and research I have done to order every single thing for my kid. Starting from the smallest such as a pillow to the biggest item that is the "CRIB!" Yes, I have spent numerous precious hours making list and sense of what is good for the unborn one.

I tell this to my sister and she laughs out loud saying all she had when she brought her son home was a cradle made of six yards of cloth, a bottle from which he never sucked milk, and some local cereal and of course ton of clothes. Well that was India and this is the US and apparently even India has hep moms who are now putting a lot of time and effort into buying things for their little one. My grand plan is to get the best of things at cheapest of price. And this means devoting unlimited number of hours on the internet trying to understand what beats all other brands and why?

To help future momies I have decided to record every single thing that I bought in the past for my kid.

Rule number one: First thing every pregnant mother should do is to register herself as amazon mom. This is one good way to get discounts on a lot many items and also get goods shipped (selected ones) for free. That's at least what I did.

Rule number two: Look out for safe products in Consumer reports.com. I chose the crib accordingly. Emily crib from Da Vinci is a decent and reasonable deal in amazon. I could not find any other site or store that could beat their prices plus it was free shipping.

Rule number three: Dressers are not but changing tables or trays are a must!!!! I have heard and read enough about mothers getting back pain as a result of bending more than required to change their baby from time to time.

Rule number four: Swings are important but not a priority. Somebody will surely gift swing, bath tub and other required things which can be used as is. Also a lot of friends and relative pitch in as in my case and offered me so many things which I would have had to have otherwise buy. For instance, bottle warmers, breast pumps, blankets, and so on.

Rule number five: It is very important that you spend good money on quality stroller and car seat. 90% of accidents of infants end up killing them or severely disable them for life. Hence durability and safety should be prority number one. We chose Chicco based on consumereports.com and did not regret one bit when we bought the product and checked it once we were home. It is so light and easy to use that I am already loving it.

Rule number six: Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is rampant in the US and other develpoed nations because we use cribs which require bedding unlike other countries where the cloth craddle or wooden craddle do wonders. It is important that the bedding be firm preferably posturepedic or ultra rest and see to it that it does not sweat the baby. If you notice that the baby sweats more often then return the mattress immediately and order another one. Too much heat can prove fatal for the baby.

Rule number seven: Rocking chairs or gliders are optional but essential. I spoke to enough mothers who vote for this product as it helps them soothe the child and breast feed it efficiently. Although personally I am yet to order this product. Will update which one I go for.

Rule number eight: Dresser is generally cheaper if you chose Stockcraft and it is widely available for order in Wal-Mart. I am still contemplating whether or not to buy a dresser as I do have wardrobe facitlity in my baby's room.

Rule number nine: Buy Boopy belt for yourself. Right after sixth month my belly and pelvic area started stinging and hurting thanks to the weight the baby put on the ligaments. Once I started wearing this belt it all changed for good. Now I walk more often and faster. Though I have aches and pain it is not just as worse.

Rule number ten: Nursing bra with correct measurements are a must. Or else the sagging will suck the sex appeal out of your body forever. Not that your girls will look the same ever again nevertheless its better to have some perkiness than loose all forever.

Rule number eleven: Shea butter works magic for stretch marks. A bottle costs around $5 and lasts for over a month. They will not disappear overnight but will surely lighten than they should.

Rule number twelve: Buy Arm and Hammer pail for disposing diapers. They smell damn good and that wins half the battle for me.

Finally take your time to relax and enjoy pregnancy. No matter what I take massages every month and mini massages at my chiro every fortnight. The benefits of which go a long way in making one feel content and happy if not for long then atleast momentarily.

For now so far so good. Next blog will be about how to deal with Gestational Diabetes-A guide for vegeterians! 

Rise and rise again!

!!Shoulders are heavy and I heave deep breath of sigh,
Only if I knew the way things happened and why?

The ocean from view looks mighty, vast, and deep,
I am helpless against it but Oh! No I shall not weep!

I stand over the edge and look deep down,
I am stoic, posed and wear will power as my crown.

I confront challenges that life throws at me,
I choose to fight and refuse to give up you see.

For all the ups, downs, curves, and breaks,
I throttle problems in life with all the effort it takes.

I know that troubles now gone will return again,
But my presumptuous spirit will wrestle and bear all the pain.

Trouble thinks its smart but there is a secret pain doesn't know,
That I may fall a thousand times and occasionally go slow.

But pain do know that I will rise, and stumble, until I rise again,
And when I do I will fight with all might and eliminate forever the pain!!

Will I, Can I???

It all started with the onion seeds that I bought at Home Depot with the sole intention of sowing them to reap a hearty crop in a time frame of sixty days. I did as instructed and waited for what ended up being the most anxious time in my life. Mere ten days later I had the stubs peeping up and I planted them with lots of hope. Alas! my dream was not to be realized that easy. A fortnight later they were all gone!!

Some uprooted by the nasty squirrel others just gave up for various reasons and that one massacre encrypted a depressing image in my brain and my soul was taunted. I used this experience as an analogy for my forthcoming motherhood. I wondered if I could not raise a plant then how on earth was I going to raise a child?

The thought kept me up for nights. Days obviously were busier than they should have had been. One thought led to another and the chain turned into a vicious circle of questions with hardly any answers. To solve my restlessness I decided to resort to fellow mothers who are also good friends. The unanimous reply was,"Enjoy life now. Once the baby comes your life will be practically over!" This response was not what I had entirely expected. I did know that motherhood was indeed a full time job but what I did not know was that it was more of torture than bliss.

From time immemorial I have always loved kids. I became a mother figure fourteen years ago when I held my half an hour old nephew in my arms and lightly kissed his forehead. It was from day one that I adored him, sang lullabies, read stories, fed, bathed, and cleaned him. My sister till this date tells me that I have more rights over him than she as a biological mother does.

To be honest I enjoyed every single moment of it and if I were given an opportunity to do it once more then I would gladly do it all over again. Which was true with my second nephew who was born seven years ago. Although my career kept me busy in his time I made sure to bond with him at every opportunity I got. Probably that is the reason that I weep every time at their birthday because the thought that my babies are turning into grown men is emotionally overwhelming for me.

No matter what their age for me they will always be my little ones the way they were the day they were born. Considering all this I am pretty confident that I who feed, clean, and play with my nephews and other random children would surely enjoy being mother to a child that I have had always so desperately wanted. Long time ago I came across a saying that read, "Its human to be a woman but divine to be a mother." I am a true believer of this one single statement.

Motherhood brings out the best in a woman. It fulills atleast for me that one side which is not very hard to explore. I always say this that if mothers ruled then the world would be a better place to live in. Come to think of it every single child with an outstanding character always has a mother behind him or her who has raised the child in a way so as it values the world and humans around it. There are exceptions but majority of the time a mother is who makes or breaks a child.

Considering that it is a privelge to be a mother I wonder why I get lousy responses such as,"Oh! Life is going to get busier with kids! Enjoy when you can! And god knows what?" I mean think of our ancestors who had their kids in less favorable circumstances but they had them and they raised them. Maybe given an option they would not have done it but having done it they did it as a part of their duty. Then why is it that women in this time and age think of having children as a burden more than a blessing?

One striking reason is of course freedom. A baby means responsibilities and not many men or women prefer that. But then why have kids to cover the perfect family picture. The point is to be happy isn't it? If one feels that a kid is a burden then they should choose not to have it. Why have kids for an eye wash and then drum about the challenges of being a mother?

In my case my husband took a lot of time to understand and estimate what fatherhood involved. Its only now that when he sees my bulging belly that he understands the gravity of the situation and responds to my requests. Be it shopping together or massaging my back. Bonding with the child now will take us a long way in future. To be very honest I wonder how single mothers deal with the enitre pregnancy drama. My experience is 85% unpleasentaries and 15% fun and not having a co-perating husband does not help emotional challenges. So through this blog I salute single mothers for their daring to do what two of us fail to face bravely.

I am no Gladiator or a saint but I know one thing for sure that the day I hold my baby in my arms will be the best day of my life and no comment or fear will ever stand between me and her. Come what may I make this solemn promise to be a good mother to her. To nurture her and to tend to all her needs. I am sure there will be days when I would want to run away for a week from all the chaos but I know that even if I did run away I would always want to come back to the tenderness of her love and affection. Every time I see her tiny feet, legs and face on the ultrasound monitor I automatically have tears of joy in my eyes.

If a child so tiny can bring tears to my eyes from inside the womb imagine what would happen when she would yawn or smile in my arms. So for now I refuse to listen to all the feedbacks I have so far recieved. So what if rearing a child involves sleepless nights and back pains I am still better than the penguin that struggles and fights bitter antartic winters to hatch its egg. I will derive strength from my daughters love and my sole purpose then on would be there for her no matter what.

After all I am a fully grown adult who consciously signed up for a role that not many women get to enjoy or experience. I take this blessing as a sign that the Almighty who gave me this baby will also give me the strength to deal with the chores that it involves and with that I hope that every mother who reads this blog knows that somewhere out there indeed is a mother who is happy to have her child and not exasperated and delusional or sorry for popping a baby out. Hopefully I too will be part of the latter and not the former group ;-)

Mommy Diaries

Frequent trips to the bathroom, larger than life apetite, constant hunt for clothes bigger than the last one, desire to do crazy things, inability to sleep comfortably, constant throbbing inside my head, sudden emotional outbursts,... The list is long and being pregnant was not exactly joy until the day when I felt a kick from inside my belly. It was mild at first and then became much more frequent and just like that I touched my belly and felt the "Joy!"

Yes, I am 23 weeks pregnant. No I am not putting on weight like people say they do for one reason and many. To begin with like so many women I was diagonsed with Gestational Diabetes and am on protien only diet which means that I cannot eat carbs therefore no weight gain. It is a blessing in disguise because I have never been the skinny kind. No one in my family has ever been so and I do not mind because I can jog, walk and climb mountains. I always ate right and felt right. And for one I do not believe in the so called "Skinny Bitches" who should know that fat can grow on organs too! So next time you see a curvy woman don't judge. No one is immune to health issues.

I beileve in eat right and feel right policy. Anything within or beyond moderation is never good we all know that just that we do not follow it! Plus there are enough women I know who are overweight just like me not because they eat more just because that is how they are.

So far I have kept my weight within the needed limits and it makes me very happy. Somehow pregnancy has changed my perspective about being a woman and about life. I was not the same before.

I remember the first time in 2007 when my doctor looked at my missed periods and told me about PCOS. I did not know that PCOS leads to weight gain and that was like a big mystery being solved. So for people who ask condescending questions like,"Were you always like this!" My answer is,"Yes, and fuck off!" The next thing my doctor told me was that I had 1/1000 chances of getting pregnant.

Her words kept ringing in my ears for a long time and then eventually I forgot about it. I did visit couple of more OB/GYN's who painted the same picture and I gave up on the idea of being a mother. I mean do I have to bear a baby to be a mother? Doesn't hurt to adopt so many kids who have no one out there. No offense dear child in my belly. Mommy loves you just fine.

I have always loved kids. Especially my nephews who are the centre of my universe. I highly doubt if I will love my kid the way I loved them? I am sure I will  but there are always doubts. Motherhood is not easy. So there I was almost done with studies and having earned enough dough from my job wondering if I should think about babies! And then just like that we decided to try if it clicks fine or else move along with life.

Until I realized that I was pregnant. A miracle had happened 1/1000 chance had happened. The first thing my OB/GYN told me was that it was indeed a miracle! And man was I happy till morning sickness hit me so hard that the next 7 weeks were nightmare that I doubted whether I had once hoped for something of this sort. Fortunately things just fell back to place and I had fun for a few weeks till I was diagnosed with GD! It hurt! Why me? I cried and screamed and then surprisingly I learnt to live with it. And turns out I enjoy eating in moderation and seeing my weight not fly out of the roof!

Yes, doctors in this country go a little over board when it comes to treatment but think of it is it not better to prevent than to cure and plus what kind of moron would consult a doctor in India at this time assuming that Indian doctors are better than American ones? All I know is that there are only two kinds of doctors-good and bad. Mine is excellent. He is the warmest doctor I have ever come across.

From then on there I was excited about every ultrasound and every kick I felt. I have to admit kiciking is the best part. It is the time you want to weep so hard with joy that it hits your gut. Of course the downside is people who frustrate you with questions about morning sickness, boy or a girl blah blah blah!!! Well it is at that time that I find it the hardest to keep a straight face and answer them. Takes lot of patience to bear with them.

Well can't blame them they just want to be part of my happiness. Sweet! Unfortunately I am not the OMG excited mother. For me it is just an event like so many others. I will pop a baby out like so many other women around the globe. And yes I do not give rat's ass whether it is a girl or a boy because I do not believe a girl can be any less than a boy. And honestly how does having a girl change anything for anyone. Ofcourse there was this very good friend of mine who said,"But our society prefers boys!" True then I don't want any part of that stupid society. I mean society can take its rules and shove it up its ass. For all I care I do not follow rules and I will not expect my kid to do the same.

And then there are these big hypocrites who go,"If I have a daughter I will move to India." Seriously????? Like girls in India do not do the unthinkable! And before that I have a question for them,"Why the hell are you here. If you have issues with the US leave no one asked you to be here!"  What has place got to do with anything? And what is the guaranty that boys won't stray? Things happen thats how the world works!

For now I am just glad that my little miracle is fit and fine and happy in my belly. Or so I think so. Just that if next time you hear woman saying how she enjoyed her pregnancy know that most of the time she is lying. It is not possible to enjoy pregnancy till you start feeling the baby and till the belly pops out and people start giving you special priveleges. That's when it is time to cut lines, not get tickets, buy what you want in the name of the kid inside you!

Yeah it is kind of an abuse but hey we don't get pregnant every day so till I pop this baby out I get to do what I want and how I want!

This far onto my blog and my baldder is full and now I desperately want to pee pee. So off to bathroom till I get something worthwhile to blog about.

To Mommy Dearest,

Yes, I know its past "Mother's Day" but is it not how it works between you and me? We are not people who get all emotional and teary eyed on things that seem too much of a nonsense. We are what they call as the "pratical" people and why not what is so wrong with that? I can write pages on "Ode to Mother" but I know and you know that most of it would be lies. Fat lies that too! You are my and will always be my mother and no one can change that but what has changed over the years is our relationship with each other. The way you dealt with me once does not hold good anymore. The yellings and beatings are all out of place and outdated and now it is the more of confrontation, which I know you detest but the fact remains that is how it is with mothers and daughters!

We all grow up and one day become mothers. Some use their mother's parenting skills and some defy them. For instance you never displayed your affection to us not atleast physically. But my sister chooses to smother her children with affection unlike you who believes in carrot and stick approach.

The last I remember is you criticising me in front of some nerve wreck relative who was probably high with toxic elements that were meant for pigs. But that did not stop you from getting back to us for something we never did or something we did that you did not like. But that strategy does not work any more. Does it? And now I can see that helplessness in your face when you loose an argument with me and my sister. Your inability to absolute dominance. You hate it when we throw attitude and you cannot just whup our asses. Well mom that's how it is. Time changes and so do relationships.

Have you ever thought that things would be different if you had used a different perspective? I mean we as children were always treated as children and never as "little people," who had a mind of our own and that is where a lot of your beatings never made sense to me. Especially setting up the correlation between doings and beatings. Research says that a child's mind is unable to establish correlations very well so I guess it was not my fault after all just that you failed to get your facts straight.

Not that all you did was crooked and twisted. There were many good memories, inspiring moments that helped us be what we are today. Consider your beatings for a moment. Thanks to it today I am not easily threatened by people who are stronger than I am whether physically or emotionally.

I also remember the days when you were loving for instance the lullabys, dinner time stories about moon, picnics and trips we went to as a family, the occasional cuddling, and other so many things that I can think of. Those were good times. Sometimes I wonder what happened that you changed your attitude towards me.

Maybe it was sudden change of status from being rich to poor. I know it hit you harder than it did the rest of us. I saw you scrounging every penny and working very hard to provide for all of us. It was not easy and I understood. I tried to reach out to you with my piggy bank but you snubbed me because I was just a child. Honestly I was not!

I could see the way everyone had started treating us. It was different. All thought that we were friendly because we planned to beg for money. I still see people of the sort just that they have donned different garbs and have different ideas and are constantly looking for sadistic pleasures. I know when I see them and have convinienetly distanced them from my life. My childhood experience has made me two things; one very good to whoever is good to me and two very snobby to people who are not good to me.

Again it was not you it was my impression about you which you could have corrected but did not. And I am glad you did not because I grew up to be a  principled being who is a better judge of one's character and pretty much rely on myself for everything.

Your actions carved me for the good or the bad. It is you who taught me to be strong, determined, passionate, and level headed. You motivated me to chase my dreams and taught me that being a girl changed nothing. I dreamt of gaining knowledge and today here I am with more degrees behind my name than one can count. No, I am not bragging you managed to teach me to keep myself grounded I am just acknowledging the fact that if it were not for your words then I would not have had ever dared to dream.

Your father a teacher himself taught you very  early in life that,"Education is an indespensable asset. Something one can put a price tag on but can never steal." Something you passed on to me and something I cherished and have always believed in.

Nevertheless to mention people who asked you what was the point in my gaining degrees if I weren't working. As if I was going to die tomorrow or as if my degrees would be worthless in another year or so or as if I gained degrees to chase money. If that was the intention then I would have been done with a basic degree and never bothered to study further.

Well that is a never ending argument which I do not wish to carry on with bunch of ignorants who have no direction in their own personal lives and fail to realize that one does not seek knowledege as a means to a source but as means to an end and that end can be whatever you want it to be.

Yes mother you were right about so many things and wrong about so many more. You imparted so much and withheld so much more.You made mistakes like so many mothers but never admitted to have had made them. You were Type A and so was I but some where down along the way I turned to your face and stretched my hand with the hope that this feud will end. After this long complicated journey as mother and daughter I am glad finally you have opened up to the idea that I am not that little kid any more. That I have a mind and opinion of my own and that not everything can be in black and white and that the grey area will always be there whether we like it or not.

I know you have the worlds toughest job and being a mother is not easy something that I will very soon realize. But looking back I know that there are things that you did as a mother which I will  never do to my children. Not because I hated it but because I never believed in them.

And like it is always in life there will be trials and there will be errors which I am ready to face with an open mind. I know that it will still not stop you from giving me free advice and I will not stop you from doing so. Just that you need to understand and make peace with the idea that I may or may not apply them depending on the situation.

Finally no matter what the argument I will say this that whatever parenting skills you used seems to have worked because we turned out to be just fine.

So mother thanks for doing all that you did right and making an effort to close whatever gap existed. I hope we grow closer from now on as a team and not as adversaries.

And to mark this special ocassion I will remind you what you once told me---,"No matter how much we fight or bicker I will always remain your daughter and you my loving mother.!"

"Happy Mother's Day"

Princess Di

My fascination with Princess Di goes back to the time when she visited India and posed in front of Taj Mahal. Of course she was alone and I was unaware of the pain she as a lonely princess was going through. Nonetheless Princess Di never ceased to mesmerise people with her amazingly good looks, warmth, and most important of all her hard work and dedication towards uplifting the most unfortunate in the world. Princess Di gave royalty a new meaning, a new face. Before her monarchy was something to be either feared, respected or loathed about. Considering the fact that India was under British rule for over a century monacrchy does not exaclty carve any sweet corner in the hearts of its ex-colonies. But with Princess Di coming into the picture people took interest in the monarchs, their life style, their purpose. With Princess Di around royalty did not seem very intimidating to anyone.

To this day when I close my eyes and think of Princess Di I see those big bright eyes and wide smile that lit up the entire space around and beyond her. My interest in her was so great that I started reading books and magazines that gave complete account of her past and present. For me she was a princess in a fairy tale with no happy ending. I do not know what was worse for her, her life or death? It is very clear from what is known about her life that Prince Charles married her for two reasons; one she was a virgin and two she was not just as bright as him. He wanted to bask in glory and have a trophy wife by his side who he thought would tag along with him whereever he went whilst he slept with the love of his life Camilla Parker Bowles.

Alas, that was never to happen. Princess Di was not exaclty the most intelligent but as Tony Blair correclty said she was indeed,"People's Princess." She had this ability to match her vibration with anyone. And by anyone I mean anyone of any race, gender, or caste. She was there to be the princess and demanded her right as one, which of course did not go well with Prince Charles whose ego was bigger than life. Well one cannot blame him. He was raised to be a prince. He was made to believe that the world had to make way for him when he arrived. But when world not only made way for Princess Di but also stopped it did not go well with the Prince of Wales. He was angry and jealous and as a result their marriage soured.

Princess Di was once questioned who is to be blamed for the failure of her marriage and she went both of us and that one confession speaks volumes. As a princess she was locked in Kensington palace. Her every move was scrutinized by the royalty, her every action criticized. Her noble deeds were never praised and as she mentioned in her own words she was isolated so that she could be demoralized. Her numerous attempts to kill herself point towards the hedious acts of the monarchy who had difficulties accepting her as the better part of their family. Their stiffness suffocated her to death.

If today someone is to be asked who they think killed Princess Di without racking brains one would hold  the monarchs more responsible than the media. Every single video of Princess Di shows the pain in her eyes. She was nineteen when she fell in love with Prince Charles whom she adored. He was her first and I take liberty to presume, probably the last love of her life. And when Prince Charles introduced Camilla into the marriage something in her died.

There are numerous theories as to what happened the night of her death. Of all theories one prevails and is very clear which is that Princess Di died of a broken heart. She could never get over the fact that Prince Charles chose Camilla over her. She could never get over the fact that her marriage was a farce. With a decade of being together and two children she woke up with a jolt and agreed ot Prince Charles's request for a divorce.

Something that did not go well with the royals. It is the same royals who had stopped Prince Charles from getting married to Camilla in the first place which he eventually did at the cost of Princess Di's life. It was as if he was waiting for her to be out of his life. I am not furious that Prince Charles got to marry Camilla what makes me angry is that Princess Di did not get to live her life. She was miserable all her life unlike Charles who was al right with not having to be with her.

Everytime I read or watch her biography I end up in tears because she is this one person that I sincerely wish was around. The world needed her for all the good work she did. Every woman around the globe  could identify with her. Inspite of being a princess she went through the same set of problems that an ordinary woman would go through. The only difference would be the magnitude of the problem. And just like every other woman she stood up for her kids, faced her problems with a strong will till ugly reality of life took her away from the world.

In her short span of  life and in her death she inspired millions and millions of people around the globe. Her fairy tale did not end like it should but I hope that where ever she is now she be happy, eternally. She is a role model for every distressed woman, a source of strength, a torch to guide people to do good. She was all goodness bundeled in one package and not waity Katy or any other girl can ever ever be what she was and is Truly the,

"People's Princess."

To you Di. Today and forever!

Made in America

John Ratzenberger's, "Made in America" is a sweet program that propogates American products. I enjoy watching the intricacies that are involved in making the tiniest of product, the specifics of people who came up with the ideas, the art of hand making products with personal touch and of course the great American spirit that professes anything is possible in America. But towards the end so I have noticed John always stresses on the point,"Made in America" and that makes me wonder does he know what he is talking about or does he means to say buy American products that are the finest and the best. Because as a consumer when I walk into a store I always want the best product at the most competitive rate. My hard earned money is not there to show loyalty where it is not required. A while ago I was shopping for cool drink when I was advised by a complete stranger to not buy anything that's not American. Well I did not because with soft drink products I did not have much of a choice. Most of the products were American. I ignored the guy and moved on with the purchase.

For a long time I have heard people talk about sending jobs to India and China and to this date I do not get what the big debate is all about. To begin with companies run for profit. If companies do not get the tax break to run successfully then they have two choices to make; one is to stop operating for good, and second is to send some operations to a place where it is much more affordable there by creating a win win situation. That is to retain some jobs in the US and ship the rest to cheaper economies. So come to think of it which one of the options is better? It is simple economics which of course lot of people fail to consider. For instance the taxation policy.

Every one wants to tax the corporate and the rich. But then the downside of doing so is sending jobs to a cheaper country and the rich who probably build an economy around themselves by earning what they earn will stop doing so. So what is the solution. Simple try to give corporate a reasonable tax break so that they can afford their operations right here in the US and create a decent taxation policy for the rich which will encourage them to come forward and not hide. If neither of this is done then there is nothing much left to whine about. I am myself not a fan of taxation policies but desperate times call for desperate measures. The previous government ran a ponzi scheme of dumping all the money in war zones which was indeed a tragedy that will have severe repurcussions in the years to come but for now the best bet is to hike taxes since not doing so will not lead to expansion of economy but only increase budget deficits that will create crowding out problem. Little governement spending creates inflation and that is not good for any economy.

Especially for a developed economy like the US labor or capital intensive investments are not permanent solutions to the problem. This country needs innovation to move on. Universities have always been innovation powerhouses of this county and cutting back on their R&D is not a good sign. US needs to improvize its students from grass root levels and invest more in activities that are way above menial developments. Years ago when Toyota came to the US Ford and other car makers did not consider them as a threat because fuel was cheap but today things have changed drastically in the favor of the underdogs. China and India opened their doors and upturned the entire manufacturing business in the US. Cheaper rates, better labor, longer working hours, minimum union interference,... the list of benefits is endless for firms operating in these countries. Of course there is downside to everything but comapred to the US the downside can be easily managed. Atleast until now. Plus these countries are huge markets for products that are in saturation stage in the US. If a company does not have its operations in BRIC then they are seriously missing on the high tide.

So whose fault is that people in America where sold better and cheaper products by other countries? Whose fault is it that the gas prices rised and American car manufacturers did nothing to improvize their car technology? Whose fault is it that the other countries offered new markets to tempt the corporate? So whose fault is it that people in BRIC are getting higher quality education which is neck to neck with that of the US? So whose fault is it that employees chose to live on minimum wages in the US? Whose fault is it that education is super expensive in this country?

Is it fair to say buy "Made in America" products when the US products are more expensive than comparable products from other countries? Is it fair to say buy "Made in America" products when American products are shelved in other countries markets? Do you think a person working on minimum wages at this time and wage could afford a decent living if it were not for cheap "Made in China, Bangladesh, or Indonesia" products? Is it wrong to survive when death is the only choice. Is it not high time American products revolutionize and improvize themselves?

This country was built on hard work and impossible. "Once upon a time in west," gives a perfect account of how hard Americans fought to make America what it is today. Everytime I look at the big structures and people here I wonder if there is any other country that could match the determination of people who crossed icy mountains, fought Indians, travelled on raft for days without proper food, clothing or shelter? What makes America great is that this is a land of opportunities. There is no first, second or third this country offers its people countless chances then what happened? When did the blame game start. To say "Made in America" is to consider not sought after by its own people.

Globalization has become like water, indespensable! All countries need a share of the pie that is mighty tasty. There is no fighting it only competing it. It has its upsides and downsides but it is worth what it is. Imagine a world without globalization. Monopoly would be a huge problem and not to forget inflation that comes with high prices of goods, expensive labor, union trouble that destabilize the economy.
Globalization started for a reason. Some countries do try to rig market to keep most manufacturing jobs but then how long would that last. Everything that begins has to end and justice has to be withheld. Asian crisis is an excellent example.

At the end of the day a person who walks into a store needs to know that no matter how hard the other product tempts the best one wins and hopefully that one day for all products in all dimensions would be "Made in America."

Ajja

A rational and logical mind knows that there is a body and then there is a soul and that there is no death to a soul. Heart, on the other hand contradicts every single theory and goes square one to the fact that I will never be ever able to see him again. At this point I would want to mention a story about a spiritual guru who was a renowned Yogi, someone who had won control over all of his senses. In order to enter life of spirituality the Yogi had renounced all materialistic things that included his wife and only son. As it so happens in life the Yogi's son one fine day died of an unknown disease. Hearing this news the Yogi broke into tears. The sight of which left his pupils wondering whether the Yogi had indeed obtained control over all of his senses? Unable to control his curiosity one of the Yogi's pupil asked the Yogi as to how could he who had control on all of his senses succumb to the news of his sons death? For which the Yogi replied,"Student I may have won control over the senses but this is my son's death that has happened. My mortal body for a moment lost its control and hence these tears." So saying the Yogi went ahead with the preparation of his son's funeral.

The reason I mentioned this story is to relate my experience with my grandfather's death. He was my grandfather not in one but many ways. From what I have heard and known my grandmother was his sister's daughter, his daughter married my mother's brother and my sister and couple of first and second cousins married his brother's sons. Everytime he saw me he would go,"I am uncle to your grand mother, mother, and you." That always aroused my curiosity and he had the time and patience to explain the relationships in detail. He lived in a place called "Kukkehalli" a place we religiously visited whenever in Udupi. He loved all. He hardly had any reservations about people visiting his home. He would pile us all children up and play games, find out what we liked to eat and personally cook it for us, tell stories, jokes, and look after us.

In my life time I only saw my father's mother and that too couple of times till her death in the year 1997. She was blind and not much of fun. Well one cannot help it if one is blind. It creates a lot of constraints plus she lived with her daughters who always had issues with people visiting them. I remember my grandmother calling me and measuring me with her hands. And after that she would go about her business and we would go about ours. End of story but with Narayan Ajja it was not like that. He was a different grandfather someone way ahead of time. He did not judge people. He knew people had opinions and was superbly adaptable to changing times. He was also an amazingly good match maker. He knew what girls would end up good with what boys. Call it probability or telepathy but he did a swell job as far as making pairs was concerned.

He was 95 years old when he passed away on Monday evening. But his spirits were that of a twenty year old. He was so savvy and unlike so many other old people who are more concerned about gossip and sarcasm he was keen to learn new things and technology. Till his last breath he never burdened anyone with anything. He did all his business himself and took lot of pride in it.

Last December 2010 I decided to visit him. I had not seen him since my wedding in 2006. I had this nagging feeling that if I did not see him then, then I would never be able to see him ever again. I wanted to meet him, take his pictures and so I did. I spent one entire day with him talking about life here in the US, technology and so many other things. When it was time to say bye I told him I would come again to invite him for my son's bramho-upadesam. At which he asked,"Are you pregnant?" I denied and snickered. His intentions were good. He wanted to see everyone happy. I told him that I mentioned about the ceremony to indicate that he would live that long at which he nodded his head and said,"We will see." Its like he knew he was done.

Of course I came back to the US. Got busy with things I do and then I heard that he was gone. For a minute my world stopped spinning but then come to think of it he had a good long life. He lived it to the fullest. In fact he outlived his brothers, son, two son-in-laws and a grand child. His life was complete. He always said that he never took anything to his head and maybe that is a secret to his long life. Whatever happened for him was God's will. He went up and down the hill ten times a day, ate in moderation, slept well and took life the way it came. No fuss, no pomp, no glory, no complaints, no jealousy, no anger. Just him and his life. He kept his mind busy with devotional songs and made a lot of wicks. He gave himself no time to sulk about life or anyone. Well that's a lot to learn from a man who was born in 1918, had hardly any education and lead life in poverty for majority of his life.

So when I look back at his life and its influence on me I know I have got yet a lot to learn. He was special to me and to a many of us who knew him. He knew us all by first names, knew who liked what especially in my case he knew I loved something called Jiguje and made it a point to cook it for me whenever it was in season. I mean who does that in today's world. Very few people around us are so good natured. Everyone in today's world even before saying hello wants to know if the other person is in a worse condition that theirs so that they can secretly rejoice the feeling. Its shameful that world has boiled down to this and it hurts me even more to see people around me including me sometimes behave in such vicious manner.

Even though on one hand my mind knows just like that of the Yogi that my ajja's soul is in heaven and that he will always be with me on the other hand my mortal heart is heavy with grief and sadness of the fact that his glorious life has ended and what I will have left from now on is only pictures and memories. So here I am trying to console my heart with my mind's logical part. I fail miserably! Maybe I should stop trying and let out the emotions but I believe that if one cries for someone then the tears make the heart stop beating for that person. So I will hold on to that thought till I play and replay his life over and over in my head till I feel yes that's enough and make peace with the death of my beloved ajja and accept his memories and cherish them forever.

For me he was my dearest ajja, the greatest and the best and so shall he will always be.
Dedicated to you: Now and forever. I know know technically you are my uncle but since your grand daughter is my cousin she calls you ajja and so shall I.
Love,
Yours Roopa.

A tear for you with a ton of smiles ;-)

Sister what?

I saw a preview of something called "Sister wives" a few days ago and it roused my curiosity. I ventured more into the matter and realized that it is a reality show about a polygamist somewhere in Utah. In the begining of the series the guy supposedly has three wives and towards the end of the season he takes on another wife. What makes it interesting is the fact that the guy has thirteen children from three wives and the fourth wife brings in an addition of three more children from her previous marriage. The three wives live within the same structure that contains seperate quarters with their own rooms and kitchen. The fourth wife for some reason ends up in a house near by to the husband and his three wives.

When I first saw the series I am ashamed but I should admit that the series fascinated me, totally. It was like getting a glimpse into another world something that does not exactly exist in the life and America I know. The aura of the husband is so mesmerising that at some point I wanted to practically vote in favor of polygamy. Until I saw him posing with his four wives and sixteen children. It was surreal. I mean come on who hasn't read the 19th wife and heard of mormons with multiple wives but to see it as a reality show is ludacris.

To begin with we live in this great country called America where everything is supposed to be hunky dory. And then you see a polygamist and you wonder what bit you so hard that your cry came out a squeal. When the polygamist was asked as to why he featured in the series he mentioned that he wanted to send a message to the world that they were there together as a loving normal family. The wives cooed in unison.

Let me tell you something polygamy is anything but normal. There is a reason why angry wives kill their husbands for cheating on them rather share their husband's penis with the other woman. And not all was well with the sister wives either. Anyone who witnessed the series saw that they were differences among the wife. Especially about the man taking another wife, choosing her dress, kissing her before wedding and god knows what?

Yeah of course who does not bicker. Women bicker all the time. But the big difference is that the women I bicker with are not my husband's wife. I am my husband's wife and will always be or atleast that's what I think. If by any chance I realize his grand plans to be a polygamist or cheat on me I will chop his balls off, deep fry them and feed it to the dogs. Let this blog be a testimony to my thoughts about polygamy.

I know he would never do that. Just the way I would never betray his trust. That is human nature.  But the faith these women believe in tells them that entering polygamy guarantees them first calss suites in heaven. My brain cells fail to contemplate something so far into future. So the question is why is such a faith prevalent in today's world?

The 19th wife mentions how one man professed polygamy as ticket to paradise and ended up marrying over fifty women. Until Ann Eliza rebelled and stood up for her rights. In this land of educated and plenty why would someone want to do things that are hard for majority of us to understand? I mean there are a hundred things to worry about and sixteen children do not make life any easier. Think about the bills to foot, the quarrels to handle, the stress. I have heard men crib about one wife imagine having four of them, each with a baggage of their own.

Recently the family got into trouble because in the state of Utah a man cannot have more than one wife and suddenly the family appeared on TV and justified that he had but only one wife and the others were spiritual union. I hope not many men got to hear that for I am sure many  men will surely want to have  that kind of spiritual union with all kinds of women.

Its not like I have not seen polygamy in India. My grandfather had two wives and many children but it was then and it is now. Then there were things such as need of a male heir, getting daughter married to the same man as the first for lesser money and so on. But not many such problems exist any more and considering inflation it would be insane to have more than one wife unless each one of them had a real income that justified inflation. Which means they would have to work and working does not help pop and cradle innumerable babies whole life.

So how does this guy manage such a big family? Maybe someone should find the numbers out to understand his source of income. The discovery of which will benefit the research as to whether a man works harder to afford more women. However the appeal from the sister wives was very touching. They went,"Leave us alone!" Well ladies you chose to be on TV where millions of highly opinionated people who have nothing good to do and have access to social websites where they post comments to hurt others or pun will comment on you too. This is a price every celebrity or TV star pays in the long run. So quit whining and move on. Better stop portraying polygamy as the thing on TV. Maybe the faith works for you but the thought and idea is outrageous.

We talk about Taliban and how they ill-treat women and have many wives then how different is that from what is going on in this country? Polygamy of all things? Is it healthy for anyone to be showing polygamy when there are bigger problems in the country? Why are the laws so subtle when it comes to dealing with polygamy? Do these women realize the psychological impact of their lifestyle on their children? How do they feel when they see their mother is not the only one their father screws? What is the guarantee that these kids will not be someday obligated to follow their father's path? How would their daughter's feel to be treated as an object and not as a human?

There is an endless list of questions that needs answers and the best solution is to stop the broadcast of the series and better solution is for people to not watch it. There should be stricter laws with absolutely no loop hole that eradicate polygamy from the US.

Unless either of these happens polygamy will always be a subject of endless debate with protagonists of polygamy on one side and antagonists on the other. But something needs to be done before the world realizes about this ugly secret of America and laughs at it saying,"Did I hear you say Sister what?....."

Where do you go?

Adimu, my Kenyan friend always mentioned about the brutal killings that she once witnessed in Rwanda. The sight she said had disturbed her so bad that even to this day she got violent dreams that rendered her paralysed with fear for long durations of time. Adimu worked as a journalist and was deputed to Rwanda on an assignment when the brutal ethnic cleansing began. The Hutu's were behind the blood of the minority Tutsi's, who had controlled power in Rwanda for centuries. No one knows what went wrong where but the genocide that followed created scars in lives of hundreds and thousands of people. Adimu with a grave face mentioned about the bodies she came across while reporting on the genocide. "They were piled up over each other. Heads and legs and hands no body had it all." Apparently what shook her the most was the murder of a woman and her infant. Adimu was riding a jeep with her co workers in broad daylight when they saw a woman come out from a hiding in the bush. She fell right in front of the jeep. Adimu and her friends gave her food and water and asked her where did she want to go? As in what place did she need a drop to be safe? When the woman with the infant heard that question she smirked and replied,"This is my country. My people have lived here for hundreds of years. I was born here. This is where I belong. Where else could I possibly go?"

Saying so she went back into the bushes only to be later caught by the dominating tribe. Adimu was there when she was brought to the city center where all the fifteen men raped her individually one by one then inserted a stick into her vagina until she bled to death. As for her infant they poured kerosene on it and lit it on fire. Right there with hundreds witnessing a woman and a child were torn into rags for one small crime. They were powerless!

Of all the things what intrigued me the most was what the lady said to Adimu and her co workers. "Where could I go?" Seriously think about all the cleansings that have happened across the globe the holocaust, genocide in Cambodia, and other such places. The list is endless. One grows up thinking this is my country, my home this is where I belong and the next minute you know that there are blood thirsty hounds chasing you round the corner because they consider you as an outsider. Every single race has experienced this problem.

My father always talks about the train that brought butchered Indians from Pakistan. The terrible things that happened to either side during the time of partition. How women were raped, men and children killed in the name of religion and land. A feud that is still dividing a lot of people all across the globe. When I faced riots in 1993 in Mumbai, India I wondered what would I do and where would I go if riots broke out in the area we lived. Before until the riots happened I always rememebered people of all religion living together that is next door and being more than tolerant of each other and then one fine day I wake up to see Muslims choosing to live only next door to Muslims and Hindus not passing any where near Muslim areas. For centuries people co existed in India and then life turned a new leaf. Was it for better or for worse I do not know.

When I moved to Mangalore a supposedly peace loving place I was pretty sure I would not have to live in fear the way I did in Mumbai but alas was I in for a shock? Riots broke there too. Infact Mangalore is extremely seggregated where people of one denomination do not I repeat do not just as easily associate with others. Had I not lived and witnessed this myself I would not have been writing this as of now. But that is the harsh reality.

The exodus of the Jews, Indians, Pakistanis, Afghanis and so many others for one reason or other raises a question so what is a place that you belong to? Is it the country where you were born and raised or a country that provides you with refuge? I have always loved and respected Sindhis. These are one group of people who have experienced the worst yet are hardly mentioned in any of the pages of history. Forced to abandon Sindh, which is now a part of Pakistan Sindhis had a long and gruesome journey. Many of them were slaughtered in huge numbers, women raped and murdered yet they reached their destination that is India started their lives all over again and made India their homes and are infact staunch patirots. I am yet to come across a poor Sindhi  and that speaks volumes about their self esteem and determination. They are a close knit group probably because they have been through so much pain that keeps them together. The generation that went through the partition is bitter about having to throw away a good and happy life they had, leave houses they called their own but somehow one way or the other they've moved on.

They chose to find a new land and lead new lives. They went somewhere they were not excited to go. Had they stayed maybe they would have ended up like the woman in Rwanda. But maybe they had a chance unlike the lady in Rwanda and many jews all around the globe who did not. Till date I strongly feel that jews had no idea that concentration camps would ever happen. They probably though they were already living the worst as second class citizen until things hit rock bottom. Again where was the escape when everything was so heavily guarded from all sides and rats everywhere were eager to sell them out. In such a case really where do you go?

So for all the bigwigs who talk about patriotism and valor boundaries are nothing but lines we humans drew and the strong will always strangle the weak. And there will always be maniacs who will talk about intolerance and dream of one religion that is their religion. Maybe as humans with some sense we must try and be vigilent about such things and keep our eyes and ears open and stop believing that it happened to them but it will never happen to us. Of course there is UN but where was UN or the allied force when Hutus slaughtered almost an entire race, where was the help when Cambodia was burning with fire?

As history proves it there are no guarantees. Men from time immemorial have moved around, tried to be eradicated and eliminated but yet we the human race has managed to survive the worst. I wish that the woman and her baby in Rwanda had a chance. Wish things that happened to Jews never happened. But then its all done and thing of a past. So all we can do is remind us of what the woman in Rwanda said, "Where could I possibly go?" Our home is where our heart is! and sometimes home is where we feel safe! But not all exits lead to safe havens. Somewhere the roads will entwine and come to an end and then what????????

A question that needs a lot of pondering!