Gangadhar, my mother's late brother and wife Vasanti had three children. Two boys, Chandrashekhar and Ashok, and one girl, Veena. My uncle and aunt doted on their daughter for a simple reason that she was indeed their only daughter. She was not exactly a looker. Her features and face structures reminded everyone of my aunt. But all the cons were compensated by one thing that she inherited from her father. His translucent fair skin for which she was praised by one and a lot many other people.
The hotel my uncle worked in did not pay much for him to support his family in the city. So from the very begining my uncle and aunt left their children at my aunt's parents home in a tiny village. My aunt never complained for one reason that Veena lived with her parents and the other that she was not pretty or educated and she was overly indebted to my uncle for choosing her as a life partner. But whenever came summer my aunt would beg my uncle to bring atleast Veena with them. And to her surprise one of the summers my uncle consented and that is how I met Veena for the first time. I was seven and she was eight although she always claimed to be younger to me.
My aunt was the one to open the door when we knocked one hot summer afternoon. The instant she saw us she gave us a big smile. There was some kind of honesty in that smile that made her dark skin glow. Her pointy face swung from one end to the other and she instantly hugged each one of us. She invited us in and went straight into the kitchen to serve us with whatever goodies she had made for her youngest kid. I was somewhere in my fifth or the sixth bite when I heard voices. It was my uncle and Veena.
As soon as she entered the room my mother went and hugged her and my uncle. My mother was and is still deeply fond of her siblings. Gangadhar mama as I called my uncle, gave a small laugh out and sat down with us. It is then that he called me and introduced me to Veena. The words he said were,"Roopa say hi to your cousin Veena.She has come a long way to play with you." Saying so he took my hands and put it on Veena's hands. And that's when I saw her face for the first time. It stunned me to see that she was indeed as people said,"A splitting image of her mother."Suddenly my thoughts were disturbed because Veena grabbed my hand and took me to the place where her bag was. She dug her hands into it and pulled out a box. She opened it and showed me her shiny gold earrings.
She held the earrings next to her ear and told me that her mother had said that the gold earrings were supposed to be dowry for her wedding. I did not exactly understand what she was saying and was speechless when she asked me whether my mother had bought earrings for me? Her question made me uncomfortable and I found her to be nosy. Even at this age it does not occur to me ask some questions the way others do. Not that its wrong but I have trouble processing or answering some questions because I probably never think of them myself.
I tried to avoid the question and asked her if she had something to play and she quickly pulled cards out of her bag which we played for some time and then she again started asking me questions which I never understood. And when it was time to leave I was relieved.
The next time I met her was after five years when I was twelve. Even then I guess there was trouble syncing up with her because in some way our thoughts never matched. She never travelled to school the way I did. She walked two miles to her school at all ages. Whereasat the age of seven I was used to waking up at 5.30am and running to catch my bus at 6.15am and then a train at 6.30am to be school at 7.00am. Veena's jaws would just drop at the mention of my schedule and she would swear that her parents would never let her do that.
I guess our upbringing was a big problem. My parents made it very clear to me and my sister at a very young age that we were to fend for ourselves. Whereas her parents trained her to be a good wife and worked towards that one single goal of theirs. Thus making our ideas and opinions poles apart.
The biggest draw back was language. She went to Kannada and I went to English medium shcool and as a result we never could discuss the same authors of books. Although I tried to read Kannada books with great difficulty to impress her but I never got the response I needed. Then there was the issue with movies. I saw hindi and english movies whereas she only saw Kannada movies. I did try to watch some kannada movies to give her company but I got bored very soon. Then it was the career path. The mere mention of commerce made her hate me because for her only intellects were the ones who chose science as their career path. Of course I do not blame her for her ignorance. She after all lived in a village where there were less than 1000 people. But at the same time somewhere I saw that she was busy chasing wild goose. She tried to socialize more with the rich cousins thinking they were her equal. Of course the rich ones ignored her always. And there was always this comparison done between her and me that probably created this unseen veil between us. How I wished she opened up more to me but apparently she never did.
To this date I remember the day when she failed to make it to engineering or medicine. She was devastated. I tried talking to her but she considered me to be below her because of my education. That's when I gave up. At the time things were not exactly hunky dory for her. She had just lost her father and her mother was duped of all her money by her own brother in law. Her brothers had dropped out of school to support the family. Their house was half done. And they were practically in the middle of nowhere in their lives.
After some days she herself came out of her cocoon and decided to do BSc. I was happy for her. As long as she paced the trail one foot in front of the other. A few years later we both graduated more or less at the same time. I went on to do post graduation and she stayed home for some time. In other words she showed her willingness to get married. Her brother called me one day and asked me if Veena could do the same degree that I was doing. I happily explained the procedure but never heard back. Then another day I got a call from my aunt asking about MSc. I gave her the necessary contacts but again silence followed. Worried I called them back only to have Veena pick the call and tell me that she did not need any one's help and that she would be just fine.
Later my mother told me that Veena's brother wanted her to study further because they never got a chance to do the same. If not they atleast wanted her to work so as to put money together for her marriage. Apparently she refused to do either of those. Her mother finally resigned to her fate and started hunting for a good groom.
For a long time she refused a lot of prospective grooms.My aunt told us that she wanted someone educated or a non resident. Well the harsh reality in our community atleast is that non residents need someone in their own profession or someone loaded. It was implicit that big looked for big. And as far as the educated ones are concerned they wanted working wives which she outright refused to be. So the problem did not solve for a long time until one day a miracle (I wish would've never happened) happened. Srinidhi bhava's family was tipped about Veena. Since bhava's mother works herself she was very clear that she wanted a daughter in law who had finished minimum of a degree or diploma just like her son.Although Srinidhi Bhava never used his skills because they were pretty well off with a hotel and other business.
Veena initially refused the proposal saying Srinidhi was a business man until someone assured her of the fact that their business was more than disaster proof and that she was lucky to have gotten a proposal from someone like Srinidhi Bhava. With great effort she agreed to meet bhava and sparks flew all over. We were all happy that she had finally found what she had desired for.
It was sometime in November that she got married. By then I was secretly engaged to the man of my dreams. Those were happy times. We finished her wedding,drove them off in a big van to her new home, and we went back to our nests. Time flew and six months later I got married and came to the US. Then Veena had a baby. Things seemed normal for a long time when one fine morning my brother in law called me at odd hours and said,"Veena's husband just died." For a minute my brain kept searching for all Veena's except my cousin. My brother in law smelt my silence and went,"Roopa its Veena. Our Veena." And that's when I dropped the phone and gave out a cry so fierce that it woke my husband up. I kept pacing the apartment up and down not knowing where to go and what to do?
Life was fine until a minute ago and suddenly it was in tatters. Nothing made sense. She was hardly married for an year. They just had a baby boy. They were happy. Srinidhi bhava was too young to die. Something was wrong so I called again and then I heard my mother wailing and I knew it was over.
Silence for one day and then many days and then when I did call my sister she told me that within a month Veena's brother in law died. Her in laws were devastated. Veena had broken into pieces. Within a month she had seen two people burnt down to ashes. A house that once was happy had now become a grave yard.
Again silence. Months passed and this time when I called my mother had some smile in her voice. She said Veena was offered a job in the college where her brother in law slipped and fell down the stairs to his death. I was shocked. Was this the same Veena who once refused to marry a guy who would ask her to work? Then I heard a wonder happen. Seems like she wakes up at 5.30am, cooks, cleans, gets the kid ready, leaves him with her in laws and leaves for work at 7.00am to catch two buses to reach her place of work. Bigger wonder was that she also was in talks with the college to let her study further.
Un-freaking-beliveable!"What are we but pawns in the hands of life and time." How true are those words! A girl who's jaws once dropped at the mention of my schedule today lives hectic a life than I ever did. A girl who detested the very idea of getting educated is today considering her options! A girl who once went into fit at the mention of work today actually works.
The last time I met Veena's mother I told her I did not have the courage to face her. I asked my aunt what next? For which she gave me a blank stare and started to sob. After sometime she held my hands and said,"I was born ill fated and these kids were born from my nasty stomach and now ill fate is haunting them too! I feel like someone took a knife and stabbed deep into my heart. My daughter is now stuck with her life because her in laws do not think that she should get married because they fear that they would loose the child! What am I supposed to do Roopa? Go away from here or my ill fate will affect you!"
It was at that minute that I hugged her and cried so much that at one point Chethan peeked inside the house got scared and started to search for something, anything that would make us stop. Well what he did not know was that what my aunt wanted was someone to hug her tight and lie to her that everything would be alright.
A lie so brutal that it made no sense. A lie that was more of a fantasy. Because the truth is that nothing would ever be the same again.
A lot of people at lot of times wanted and wished Veena were a bit more responsible. And here we are. Each one of us with our granted wish looking at Veena and cursing the day we wished, trying to take every one of our words back.
Because Veena's life showed us no matter who believs what or behaves how! When times change, circumstances change, life becomes one's teacher and makes Veena out of every one of us. And that is the only truth I will ever believe in ever!
May God bless and guide her and her son. Srinidhi bhava will remain in all of our hearts forever!
Amen
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Letter to Anupama.P.Rao
From the past four and half years that I have been in this country every single day my computer illiterate sister has always insisted on three things: Write me letters (email bhi chalega I will try to open), Gold Kharid!, and Chethan se jhagda mat kar take good care of him and yourself!
I never complied to the last two but when the nagging became too much I finally decided to write her "the letter"
Dear Anu/kyakya(that's the pet name chethan gave her because whenever I call her she spends the first few seconds asking what/kyakay in hindi!),
After a long time I am writing this letter to you and sending it using two different means of communication. One internet and the other mail. Hope either one of it reaches you at an appropriate period of time that is especially not when you are cooking, feeding/bashing the kids, teaching/bashing the kids or fighting with mother. Now about my life here in the US. Honestly for the first few days I used to cry a lot in Austin,TX because it is way too slow and isolated than California. As a result I prayed every day to God and today I am hail and happy in the bay area. I not only love the US but dote on it. Of course that does not make me a traitor because I consider India as my Janma Bhoomi and the US as Karma Bhoomi. And honestly who does not prefer a prolonged honeymoon free of nagging in laws and parents and especially a sister such as you. Ok Ok! I know right now you have tears in your eyes and are probably crying your ass off. And I miss you and the kids way too much. But then think about all the nice things I get for you. The stones, jewelery is not it fun to get them. I mean who ever brought us gift growing up? Its worth the distance and trust me the day you retire you will find me next door and I promise you and I will trot the globe and ditch our bitter halfs.
Now about the apartment yes, you did see our big TV (please do not convert the amount its not worth it!). And yes our apartment has commode and yes I clean with paper. In fact I have come to like it seems so much better. Some day when you come here you will like it too. I have all the gadgets that help me cook stuff such as pathrode, holige and anything you can think of in less than an hour. And no there are no lizards or cockroaches in my apartment and NO I do not follow your idea of soaking the vessels in water in the sink over night. I find that to be disgusting. We have here something called dishwasher that as it suggests washes dishes for me.
I have also set up a small corner for God and as per your instruction I do pooja whenever I have time. Unlike Austin bay area has a lot of relatives so we end up going to all the functions you can think of! Which gives me an opportunity to wear the dresses you send. Chethan and I are very happy together but we fight a lot too. I do not think it is bad to fight because as mummy said,"Not fighting is a sign that something's not OK!" So do not worry about us. We will be together for a longer time than you can ever imagine.
Now about gold that you asked me to buy. I will not be doing so because my education stops me from doing so. Let me explain it to you in a simple manner. Say you want to buy gold at Rs.800 today and plan to sell it at Rs.1500 after some time and let that time be say 3 years. Which means that the profit you will make after three years will be Rs.700. Consider that you invest the same money in bonds for 3 years at 5% interest rate it will get you at the end of three years principal that is Rs.800 plus interest that is, Rs.120 for three years which is a total of Rs.920. I know you are thinking I am stupid. But the trick is the element of tax. The gold you sell will be subject to long term capital gain I guess its 10% right now and I hope you declare it as income tax and not cheat. In that case you end up paying Rs.150 and end up getting less than Rs.700 in all. Bond on the other hand is not only tax free (of course there are front and back loads but that do not affect the returns too much and always match inflation ex: TIPS or something similar can be found in India) but also the interest that it earns can be accummulated and invested in gold or some other form of investment there by making your portfolio diversified and secure. That is when prudent investment in equity and other form of investments can earn more and better returns. This is called as the diversified portfolio returns a concept researched and thought about by great Noble Laureates such as Harry Markowitz.
I understand your urge to advise me well on the savings part trust me I am pretty much covered. Also gold has sentimental attraction meaning the gold coins you will buy will not be cashed but made into an ornament. Then how does it become an investment and not a fancy? Do invest in gold but not always and not all your savings. It should be part of your portfolio but not all of it. Remember all that goes up has to come down. Currently there is a bubble forming in gold and savings and beleive me George Soros is surely watching!
So my sister be aware. Now coming to me living harmoniously with Chethan. Do you think I will ever let go of a person who met with my expensive demands not once asking why should I do it for you? He complied with my will and for that I will be ever indebted to him. For me there are a very few Gods and they are all mortals who gave me a chance to get educated and be what I am today.
And as far you are concerned I might not call just as much or I might not write to you just as much but remember one thing that my heart is filled with you, kids, bhava, mom-dad and Chutney. I love you guys and at one wink will give my life for you!
So quit crying, wipe your tears and get on your feet. Hug your kids and peck their cheeks. For in them you will see me and I will see you and love you..Forever!
Your sister/rockstar,
Roopa
Well the letter was a dynamite but apparently it never reached her. Why? Because stupid LIC listed it as spam and USPS poked so many holes into my letter that Anu could not read a single word. So much for pensmanship. My ass! So finally I decided to put it up on my blog. One of my friends who lives in the same neighborhood who also follows my blog asked me to put it up here so that she can show it to my sister and laugh her ass off while my sister cries off her own......;-)
I never complied to the last two but when the nagging became too much I finally decided to write her "the letter"
Dear Anu/kyakya(that's the pet name chethan gave her because whenever I call her she spends the first few seconds asking what/kyakay in hindi!),
After a long time I am writing this letter to you and sending it using two different means of communication. One internet and the other mail. Hope either one of it reaches you at an appropriate period of time that is especially not when you are cooking, feeding/bashing the kids, teaching/bashing the kids or fighting with mother. Now about my life here in the US. Honestly for the first few days I used to cry a lot in Austin,TX because it is way too slow and isolated than California. As a result I prayed every day to God and today I am hail and happy in the bay area. I not only love the US but dote on it. Of course that does not make me a traitor because I consider India as my Janma Bhoomi and the US as Karma Bhoomi. And honestly who does not prefer a prolonged honeymoon free of nagging in laws and parents and especially a sister such as you. Ok Ok! I know right now you have tears in your eyes and are probably crying your ass off. And I miss you and the kids way too much. But then think about all the nice things I get for you. The stones, jewelery is not it fun to get them. I mean who ever brought us gift growing up? Its worth the distance and trust me the day you retire you will find me next door and I promise you and I will trot the globe and ditch our bitter halfs.
Now about the apartment yes, you did see our big TV (please do not convert the amount its not worth it!). And yes our apartment has commode and yes I clean with paper. In fact I have come to like it seems so much better. Some day when you come here you will like it too. I have all the gadgets that help me cook stuff such as pathrode, holige and anything you can think of in less than an hour. And no there are no lizards or cockroaches in my apartment and NO I do not follow your idea of soaking the vessels in water in the sink over night. I find that to be disgusting. We have here something called dishwasher that as it suggests washes dishes for me.
I have also set up a small corner for God and as per your instruction I do pooja whenever I have time. Unlike Austin bay area has a lot of relatives so we end up going to all the functions you can think of! Which gives me an opportunity to wear the dresses you send. Chethan and I are very happy together but we fight a lot too. I do not think it is bad to fight because as mummy said,"Not fighting is a sign that something's not OK!" So do not worry about us. We will be together for a longer time than you can ever imagine.
Now about gold that you asked me to buy. I will not be doing so because my education stops me from doing so. Let me explain it to you in a simple manner. Say you want to buy gold at Rs.800 today and plan to sell it at Rs.1500 after some time and let that time be say 3 years. Which means that the profit you will make after three years will be Rs.700. Consider that you invest the same money in bonds for 3 years at 5% interest rate it will get you at the end of three years principal that is Rs.800 plus interest that is, Rs.120 for three years which is a total of Rs.920. I know you are thinking I am stupid. But the trick is the element of tax. The gold you sell will be subject to long term capital gain I guess its 10% right now and I hope you declare it as income tax and not cheat. In that case you end up paying Rs.150 and end up getting less than Rs.700 in all. Bond on the other hand is not only tax free (of course there are front and back loads but that do not affect the returns too much and always match inflation ex: TIPS or something similar can be found in India) but also the interest that it earns can be accummulated and invested in gold or some other form of investment there by making your portfolio diversified and secure. That is when prudent investment in equity and other form of investments can earn more and better returns. This is called as the diversified portfolio returns a concept researched and thought about by great Noble Laureates such as Harry Markowitz.
I understand your urge to advise me well on the savings part trust me I am pretty much covered. Also gold has sentimental attraction meaning the gold coins you will buy will not be cashed but made into an ornament. Then how does it become an investment and not a fancy? Do invest in gold but not always and not all your savings. It should be part of your portfolio but not all of it. Remember all that goes up has to come down. Currently there is a bubble forming in gold and savings and beleive me George Soros is surely watching!
So my sister be aware. Now coming to me living harmoniously with Chethan. Do you think I will ever let go of a person who met with my expensive demands not once asking why should I do it for you? He complied with my will and for that I will be ever indebted to him. For me there are a very few Gods and they are all mortals who gave me a chance to get educated and be what I am today.
And as far you are concerned I might not call just as much or I might not write to you just as much but remember one thing that my heart is filled with you, kids, bhava, mom-dad and Chutney. I love you guys and at one wink will give my life for you!
So quit crying, wipe your tears and get on your feet. Hug your kids and peck their cheeks. For in them you will see me and I will see you and love you..Forever!
Your sister/rockstar,
Roopa
Well the letter was a dynamite but apparently it never reached her. Why? Because stupid LIC listed it as spam and USPS poked so many holes into my letter that Anu could not read a single word. So much for pensmanship. My ass! So finally I decided to put it up on my blog. One of my friends who lives in the same neighborhood who also follows my blog asked me to put it up here so that she can show it to my sister and laugh her ass off while my sister cries off her own......;-)
Shoonya!
Soul searching, for me, has always been more than just a hobby. Understanding philosophies has been even bigger an effort. Somehow recently I made up my mind to finally touch upon Swami Vivekanada's teaching and thus began my affair with one of Swami Vivekananda's book, "Karma Yoga." From the time I began to read it I made special effort to make notes and relate it directly to my day to day life and my past experiences. To get a deeper understanding I invited one of my good friends/cousins over the weekend to discuss about the teachings in the book.
With consensus we began discussing about the basics of karma yoga. As per the teachings a sanyasin is not a karma yogin. In the sense as humans doing our duty or karma makes each one of us karma yogin or yogini. For example a woman or a man perform their duties as per thier respective roles in different areas and eventually reach a stage of renunciation which then leads them towards enlightenment. In other words a sanyasin has to be a person who can resist the temptations of the world. Or a man or a woman can always experience life and then if their will permits take up a life of seclusion. However the question here is when does a person reach a point of renounciation? According to Swami a person reaches the stage of renunciation either at an early or later stage. A typical exampple is growth in a career. Some advance at an early stage and some later or maybe never. Now why does that happen.
Per swami what we are today is a sum total result of our past actions. And what we want to become in future will also be a result of our current actions. Because karma is not only work, duty or deeds it is also an energy that each one of us emits to the universe and the universe does its duty of taking the energy, transforming it into what is asked for and then emits it back to the person. How soon the energy reaches the individual is directly related to how soon the person will reach the renunciation stage.
This part brought me hope and my cousin agreed with me too. He gave a simple example of how he would go round and round the temple and pray to god to help him go to the US. He took all the necessary steps in that particular direction and as a result today he is here. So is my case. With absolutely no or very little monetary support or luxuries I went ahead and managed to get the kind of education I wanted. Maybe not everything happened per my will but if I do the right thing and keep trying it will happen. There is no way that the energy I emit to achieve one particular goal will ever go wasted in the universe. The universe will have to emit my energy back.
A valid point. But we also argued about the part where the teachings talk about selflessness. My cousin is cute but he can also be terribly opinionated. Of course I like him for that one reason and more because he reads everything possible and is always up for discussions and the best quality in him is that he is open for reasoning, pays heed to others perspectives, acknowledges his mistakes or ignorance about a given subject matter and of course best of all he knows to disagree respectfully.
Ok praise and criticisms apart. Problem came when he brought Ayn Rand into discussion. I agree with Ayn to some extent but not all. For a simple reason that if everyone on this earth became selfish then probably she would not be in existence. Of course her arguments are deeper than that and not easily comprehensible for dimwits of the likes of me. Anyways when Ayn Rand mentions that every human is entitled to his/her own happiness I totally agree with her. Not all sacrifises are called for. In fact some only create trouble. For example a mother in law-daughter in law relationship. Having suffered as a daughter in law a reasearch shows that in India mother in laws expect the same for their son's wife. Why did this happen? Probably because of the uncalled sacrifises of a woman in the role of a wife. Or for that matter elders in general do not approve of younger generations freedom in all respect.
Sacrifises do come with a lot of baggage but again if karma yoga is to be followed then what ever happens is right only if the situation calls for the kind of karma that is executed. For instance Arjuna in Mahabharata fought against his own relatives. Had it not been in the case of a war then an action of this magnitude would have had been considered as blasphemy. But the situation Arjuna was in was that of sacrifise. He sacrifised his love for his relatives in order to restore goodness/dharma in the world.
Thus is the reasoning in the book of Karma Yoga. When reading it in the begining it seems insane. But evenatually every single philosophy is so very well defined and reasoned that the logical mind agress to it and finally surrenders. I am so fascinated with this revelation that every chance I get I try to connect dots together and understand the philosophy better. My cousin too after some time started agreeing with the science behind belief. An atheist such as him is not easy to convince but Swami Vivekananda's lessons mesmerize and impress the likes of him.
Its interesting to see how Swami has used certain instances to create gender equality and reduce male ego in India using Karma Yoga. Of course I do not agree with those teachnigs at this age and if Swami were alive I am sure that he would have changed it to suit the current needs. But the book in itself has gripped my attention so very much that I have decided to read the rest of his teachings too. Of course the bigger goal is to read Bhagavadgita and understand it as much as I can. It is said that it takes many a birth to read a single line of Bhagavadgita and as a minute dot in this vast universe I hope that I have done more than my share of work in all my past births to not only read the entire Bhagavadgita but also understand its meaning.
As a Karma Yogini I plan to gather as much knowledge as I can. I plan to understand the intricasies of the teachings of intellectual. Absorb as much as I can so that once I am done with my mortal body then my sould can take with it all the good karma I ever did and most importantly the knowledge I gathered because I agree with what Krishna once said to Arjuna--
A human is born to do his duty and gather not pearls, or kingdom but to seek and gain knowldge so that when his soul at the end of his life departs for the heavenly abode it takes with itseld good karma and knowledge there by making every other achievement in life equal to zero or Shoonya........!!!!
Amen!
With consensus we began discussing about the basics of karma yoga. As per the teachings a sanyasin is not a karma yogin. In the sense as humans doing our duty or karma makes each one of us karma yogin or yogini. For example a woman or a man perform their duties as per thier respective roles in different areas and eventually reach a stage of renunciation which then leads them towards enlightenment. In other words a sanyasin has to be a person who can resist the temptations of the world. Or a man or a woman can always experience life and then if their will permits take up a life of seclusion. However the question here is when does a person reach a point of renounciation? According to Swami a person reaches the stage of renunciation either at an early or later stage. A typical exampple is growth in a career. Some advance at an early stage and some later or maybe never. Now why does that happen.
Per swami what we are today is a sum total result of our past actions. And what we want to become in future will also be a result of our current actions. Because karma is not only work, duty or deeds it is also an energy that each one of us emits to the universe and the universe does its duty of taking the energy, transforming it into what is asked for and then emits it back to the person. How soon the energy reaches the individual is directly related to how soon the person will reach the renunciation stage.
This part brought me hope and my cousin agreed with me too. He gave a simple example of how he would go round and round the temple and pray to god to help him go to the US. He took all the necessary steps in that particular direction and as a result today he is here. So is my case. With absolutely no or very little monetary support or luxuries I went ahead and managed to get the kind of education I wanted. Maybe not everything happened per my will but if I do the right thing and keep trying it will happen. There is no way that the energy I emit to achieve one particular goal will ever go wasted in the universe. The universe will have to emit my energy back.
A valid point. But we also argued about the part where the teachings talk about selflessness. My cousin is cute but he can also be terribly opinionated. Of course I like him for that one reason and more because he reads everything possible and is always up for discussions and the best quality in him is that he is open for reasoning, pays heed to others perspectives, acknowledges his mistakes or ignorance about a given subject matter and of course best of all he knows to disagree respectfully.
Ok praise and criticisms apart. Problem came when he brought Ayn Rand into discussion. I agree with Ayn to some extent but not all. For a simple reason that if everyone on this earth became selfish then probably she would not be in existence. Of course her arguments are deeper than that and not easily comprehensible for dimwits of the likes of me. Anyways when Ayn Rand mentions that every human is entitled to his/her own happiness I totally agree with her. Not all sacrifises are called for. In fact some only create trouble. For example a mother in law-daughter in law relationship. Having suffered as a daughter in law a reasearch shows that in India mother in laws expect the same for their son's wife. Why did this happen? Probably because of the uncalled sacrifises of a woman in the role of a wife. Or for that matter elders in general do not approve of younger generations freedom in all respect.
Sacrifises do come with a lot of baggage but again if karma yoga is to be followed then what ever happens is right only if the situation calls for the kind of karma that is executed. For instance Arjuna in Mahabharata fought against his own relatives. Had it not been in the case of a war then an action of this magnitude would have had been considered as blasphemy. But the situation Arjuna was in was that of sacrifise. He sacrifised his love for his relatives in order to restore goodness/dharma in the world.
Thus is the reasoning in the book of Karma Yoga. When reading it in the begining it seems insane. But evenatually every single philosophy is so very well defined and reasoned that the logical mind agress to it and finally surrenders. I am so fascinated with this revelation that every chance I get I try to connect dots together and understand the philosophy better. My cousin too after some time started agreeing with the science behind belief. An atheist such as him is not easy to convince but Swami Vivekananda's lessons mesmerize and impress the likes of him.
Its interesting to see how Swami has used certain instances to create gender equality and reduce male ego in India using Karma Yoga. Of course I do not agree with those teachnigs at this age and if Swami were alive I am sure that he would have changed it to suit the current needs. But the book in itself has gripped my attention so very much that I have decided to read the rest of his teachings too. Of course the bigger goal is to read Bhagavadgita and understand it as much as I can. It is said that it takes many a birth to read a single line of Bhagavadgita and as a minute dot in this vast universe I hope that I have done more than my share of work in all my past births to not only read the entire Bhagavadgita but also understand its meaning.
As a Karma Yogini I plan to gather as much knowledge as I can. I plan to understand the intricasies of the teachings of intellectual. Absorb as much as I can so that once I am done with my mortal body then my sould can take with it all the good karma I ever did and most importantly the knowledge I gathered because I agree with what Krishna once said to Arjuna--
A human is born to do his duty and gather not pearls, or kingdom but to seek and gain knowldge so that when his soul at the end of his life departs for the heavenly abode it takes with itseld good karma and knowledge there by making every other achievement in life equal to zero or Shoonya........!!!!
Amen!
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Showering baby
Clinking glasses, roars of laughter, endless discussion about diapers on a house that rests on top of a mountain all point toward only one fact--Yes, its me stuck in a high society baby shower. By all ways and means I could have avoided going to the torture session but my friends are too precious to me and to refuse any invitation whatever or whereever that maybe is an inconcieveable crime to me. Apparently my guilt dragged me to this baby shower where women wore clothing that only revealed and hid nothing. Not that I am against it but then the invite never mentioned the attire and turns out friends called each other and decided upon the clothes and to my further shock turns out that the baby shower was not exactly a big surprise.
Boom! Yep thats how my heart and head exploded when I walked into that multi million dollar house on the hills of Palo Alto. In my salwar kameez I stuck out like a sore thumb. It was totally embarassing. Of course not to mention the roving eyes of the fellow women. No matter what class holds a baby shower somehow or the other the subjects of the crowd manage to boggle me with "THE Question!" "So do you have any kids?" To that I reply with a drag,"NO." And thats exactly when old women drop their jaw and other women younger to them and older to me go,"Ohhh!" In fact they might not say it but their looks manage to send me a loud and clear message--"Are you infertile?" Yep I know thats exactly what they are thinking because one time I had a woman practically ask me that. Of course that one woman was an innocent home maker whose kids were her pride. But to get this kind of a response from high society working women came to me as quite a surprise. Guess finally not all that glitters is gold. Not all that is exposed exposes the brain. Brain is deliberately made to think narrow!Bad judgment about people on my part atleast I guess.
For the first few minutes I managed to dodge the question and finally a stout woman who thought she was blessed spread the word and thats when everyone was overly sympathetic to me as though not having kids meant that I was fatally ill or something. Ignoring everyone else I moved on to socialize with all other speicmens. Apparently our high society friends find it hard to cook with two children and a 2600 square feet house to manage. At that very moment when the hostess was saying about her issues the maid and her husband walked into the out house. Uh Oh! The secret was out. And immediately she started to cover her neatly manicured fingers and pedicured feet. HIllarious. And the best part was when she revealed her great dishes. Guess what they were. Well don't strain your brain because what she cooked happened to be a no brainer. Yep! She prepared sandwiches vegetarian and non vegeterian. About 10 of them and to that she added crackers with chocolate and whipped cream and yummmmmmm! strawberries. Her dish was applauded by everyone and I just could not keep myself from laughing my ass off!
On the contrary I praised her too and just then someone said looking at me,"You made nan khatai they are good but too much butter." And I wanted to slap that woman and say,"Screw you bitch. The sandwich you are stuffing into your mouth has more mayo than your ass can store!" But of course I filtered my devil and went on with a smile so artificial that even Aishwarya would be ashamed. I took my plate full and sat in a corner eating on my own while a bunch of them stood munching and discussing about gucci, diapers, eating and potty schedules of their kids to "You know my water broke three weeks before my baby shower." And thats when I threw up all that I had eaten. The woman was so loud that a lot of other women lost their appetitie too! That gave me some solace," After all I was not the only one!"
Seeing me getting bored to death the hostess came to my rescue and asked me to join and I explained my inability to indulge in the joy of motherhood. An answer that made her give me that look,"What's wrong with you!" Thankfully at that very moment another woman who was in the same boat as mine came and sat next to me. Turns out that she works as a strategic consultant in a pharmecutical company and we set off talking about strategies, from Hurd of HP, to currencies to Greece. God was I happy! With her time just flew. But as they say all good things come to an end. And so did my company. Hostess announced time to open gifts. She took the first gift, read the name of the presenter and explained the function of the gift. Good Lord!
Imagine this someone gives a breast pump and the lady gives a demo! Yes sounds scarry does not it! It was and that's why I packed my bags, gave my good friend a tight hug, congratulated her and patted her back to have been not only born into a high society to but have gotten married into one. Trust me its not easy. I almost died and I was there only for two hours.
I guess its just me. Maybe if she comes to my baby shower probably she will find us higher middle class folks similar to the Baltic Vikings! Well if she does then so be it! Because I know that there will be showers and there will be people and there will also be discussion that will make me uncomfortable. But irrespective of all that I feel and think I will still attend them and bite my way through it thinking when the hell will I find some one in the crowd who will talk more than babies, diapers, sales, and being penny wise.
Nothing against such discussions maybe people on the other side of the fence seem to think what I talk is irrelevant to the situation and I will give it to them but as far as I am concerned God no matter what function I am in, please shower me with anything but babies, diapers and........
Amen!
Boom! Yep thats how my heart and head exploded when I walked into that multi million dollar house on the hills of Palo Alto. In my salwar kameez I stuck out like a sore thumb. It was totally embarassing. Of course not to mention the roving eyes of the fellow women. No matter what class holds a baby shower somehow or the other the subjects of the crowd manage to boggle me with "THE Question!" "So do you have any kids?" To that I reply with a drag,"NO." And thats exactly when old women drop their jaw and other women younger to them and older to me go,"Ohhh!" In fact they might not say it but their looks manage to send me a loud and clear message--"Are you infertile?" Yep I know thats exactly what they are thinking because one time I had a woman practically ask me that. Of course that one woman was an innocent home maker whose kids were her pride. But to get this kind of a response from high society working women came to me as quite a surprise. Guess finally not all that glitters is gold. Not all that is exposed exposes the brain. Brain is deliberately made to think narrow!Bad judgment about people on my part atleast I guess.
For the first few minutes I managed to dodge the question and finally a stout woman who thought she was blessed spread the word and thats when everyone was overly sympathetic to me as though not having kids meant that I was fatally ill or something. Ignoring everyone else I moved on to socialize with all other speicmens. Apparently our high society friends find it hard to cook with two children and a 2600 square feet house to manage. At that very moment when the hostess was saying about her issues the maid and her husband walked into the out house. Uh Oh! The secret was out. And immediately she started to cover her neatly manicured fingers and pedicured feet. HIllarious. And the best part was when she revealed her great dishes. Guess what they were. Well don't strain your brain because what she cooked happened to be a no brainer. Yep! She prepared sandwiches vegetarian and non vegeterian. About 10 of them and to that she added crackers with chocolate and whipped cream and yummmmmmm! strawberries. Her dish was applauded by everyone and I just could not keep myself from laughing my ass off!
On the contrary I praised her too and just then someone said looking at me,"You made nan khatai they are good but too much butter." And I wanted to slap that woman and say,"Screw you bitch. The sandwich you are stuffing into your mouth has more mayo than your ass can store!" But of course I filtered my devil and went on with a smile so artificial that even Aishwarya would be ashamed. I took my plate full and sat in a corner eating on my own while a bunch of them stood munching and discussing about gucci, diapers, eating and potty schedules of their kids to "You know my water broke three weeks before my baby shower." And thats when I threw up all that I had eaten. The woman was so loud that a lot of other women lost their appetitie too! That gave me some solace," After all I was not the only one!"
Seeing me getting bored to death the hostess came to my rescue and asked me to join and I explained my inability to indulge in the joy of motherhood. An answer that made her give me that look,"What's wrong with you!" Thankfully at that very moment another woman who was in the same boat as mine came and sat next to me. Turns out that she works as a strategic consultant in a pharmecutical company and we set off talking about strategies, from Hurd of HP, to currencies to Greece. God was I happy! With her time just flew. But as they say all good things come to an end. And so did my company. Hostess announced time to open gifts. She took the first gift, read the name of the presenter and explained the function of the gift. Good Lord!
Imagine this someone gives a breast pump and the lady gives a demo! Yes sounds scarry does not it! It was and that's why I packed my bags, gave my good friend a tight hug, congratulated her and patted her back to have been not only born into a high society to but have gotten married into one. Trust me its not easy. I almost died and I was there only for two hours.
I guess its just me. Maybe if she comes to my baby shower probably she will find us higher middle class folks similar to the Baltic Vikings! Well if she does then so be it! Because I know that there will be showers and there will be people and there will also be discussion that will make me uncomfortable. But irrespective of all that I feel and think I will still attend them and bite my way through it thinking when the hell will I find some one in the crowd who will talk more than babies, diapers, sales, and being penny wise.
Nothing against such discussions maybe people on the other side of the fence seem to think what I talk is irrelevant to the situation and I will give it to them but as far as I am concerned God no matter what function I am in, please shower me with anything but babies, diapers and........
Amen!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Dodaapa/Ramano Purshe!
"Hey, you want cashew apple?," asked my cat eyed Bhaskar dodappa and "Yes we do," came an answer all so unianimous by all the kids that belonged to the "Yelluru" clan. Summer time for me was like an ancient Egyptian ritual where all the family members got together in Yelluru. Yelluru was like wonderland to us. A place where fun and freedom knew absolutely no bounds. One place where no matter who treated us how we did not care hoots. It was just us against each other. In fact I thoroughly enjoyed the part where I could tag along with whoever agreed to take charge of me. Be it aunt in Udupi, chokkadi or Rama dodamma and Bhaskar dodappa of Kalianpura.
I will be honest here. Kalianpura was not my favorite choice because Rama and Bhaskar's kids were two decades older than I. Rama is my mother's sister and older to her by easy sixteen years and my uncle/dodappa aka Rama's husband almost a twenty.That did not leave very much in common for us with them except one gleaming fact that even when Bhaskar Dodappa was fifty his heart was that of a ten year old child. He had this amazing ability to understand our needs and provide us with exactly what we asked for. When he was in Kalianpura no one missed the chance to be around him. Without him Kalianpura was so deserted that ironically even Rama dodamma, who could never stand her husband, shuddered at the idea of being lonely. But she did not have much of a choice. My dodappa worked in hotel in Maharastra and he wanted to work for a few more years so that he could retire without having to worry about his retirement. Then it felt stupid but now I understand where he was coming from.
Among all the relatives I have ever had some were good and some were mean. But dodappa was one person who liked everyone equally. He did not exactly have a happy marriage. Rama dodamma as the entire world knows is a control freak. In her prime she was known to spend dodappa's money like water on everyone except her people that includes her husband and children. Her behavior always concerned dodappa but who was to say? Being the eldest she practically steered the yelluru family ship and managed her house in Kallianpura all on her own.
Inspite of their marital squabbles both dodamma and dodappa loved each other's families and likewise. They would individually complain about their other half and then tell us how happy they were that we visited them. Not one day did I hear dodappa say us that we were not his people. He was good to us and to his people ever the same. That is one quality of his that stuck with me and I tried it but then I chose to have a happy marriage over a happy brady bunch and distressed couple. Maybe I am selfish but then thats how it was in my time and still is.
The kinds of Bhaskar dodappa's are rare to see and find. The games he played, the songs he taught, the fruits he plucked and dozen of other things he did for us made me wonder why did he hang out so much with us kids when elders in there were busy talking everything above the earth and below the sky. Out of curiosity I one day asked him and he said,"If I sit in there and talk crap the way they do then I will end up grumpy and die early. Children are like God and when with them I feel closer to God! It diverts my energy from the unpleasentness of my married life." Saying so he gave out a laugh that was similar to that of a hyena.
Come to think of it what he said was true. We all claim not to gossip but we do. We all end up with agendas in a meeting whereas kids play aimlessly. Of course dodappa was a man and he could afford to be careless unlike dodamma who had to do all the chores. Maybe dodappa did not grow up after all. Maybe dodamma did want to be a collector and not marry dodappa. Maybe they could not stand each other but yet they loved others unconditionally. Something that still amazes me. Is it not true about so many couples in India who are forced against their will to spend life with each other. Maybe that's how they chose to deal with their problems.Be vocal about not being able to stand each other but love whom they felt for?
Whatever it was for me Bhaskar dodappa was a person who made good memories for me. Made me look forward for more surprises. So many of us cousins still talk about our good days with him. Earlier we would talk and say maybe we should call and talk to him and then we would forget or postpone thinking maybe not now, maybe some other time.
An action today I regret because last Sunday when I spoke to my sister about him I realized that even if I did call dodappa I would never be able to talk to him. That I will never be able to hear him laugh or complain. Never feel the warmth in his voice again because Bhaskar dodappa slept a sleep so deep from which there is no waking up.
Yes, a reality I realized! None of us are immortals but death never seizes us to take by surprise and shock. It hurts to think that he is gone! Forever! All that now lives, are his memories! Cherished forever!Surprisingly when I think of his smiling face and fun times we had my pain turns into a smile and I am happy again.
That's Bhaskar dodappa! Not a hero or a warrior. In fact he did not lead a glorious life or have a wonderful ideal family or marriage for that matter!
He was just a normal man with simple aspirations. A boy stuck in a man's body. Probably married to the wrong person. Yet he lived. He had a choice to be sad but he smiled. He touched hearts and held hands. He sang away his misery and gave us a rhyme, which we all can hum, look forward and know that somewhere there he is watching us and he knows that he will be missed and loved always as our beloved dodappa/uncle or as he always said,"Ramano purshe!" (Rama's husband--Thats how people identified him, his wife's husband and he found it indignantly hillarious)
I will be honest here. Kalianpura was not my favorite choice because Rama and Bhaskar's kids were two decades older than I. Rama is my mother's sister and older to her by easy sixteen years and my uncle/dodappa aka Rama's husband almost a twenty.That did not leave very much in common for us with them except one gleaming fact that even when Bhaskar Dodappa was fifty his heart was that of a ten year old child. He had this amazing ability to understand our needs and provide us with exactly what we asked for. When he was in Kalianpura no one missed the chance to be around him. Without him Kalianpura was so deserted that ironically even Rama dodamma, who could never stand her husband, shuddered at the idea of being lonely. But she did not have much of a choice. My dodappa worked in hotel in Maharastra and he wanted to work for a few more years so that he could retire without having to worry about his retirement. Then it felt stupid but now I understand where he was coming from.
Among all the relatives I have ever had some were good and some were mean. But dodappa was one person who liked everyone equally. He did not exactly have a happy marriage. Rama dodamma as the entire world knows is a control freak. In her prime she was known to spend dodappa's money like water on everyone except her people that includes her husband and children. Her behavior always concerned dodappa but who was to say? Being the eldest she practically steered the yelluru family ship and managed her house in Kallianpura all on her own.
Inspite of their marital squabbles both dodamma and dodappa loved each other's families and likewise. They would individually complain about their other half and then tell us how happy they were that we visited them. Not one day did I hear dodappa say us that we were not his people. He was good to us and to his people ever the same. That is one quality of his that stuck with me and I tried it but then I chose to have a happy marriage over a happy brady bunch and distressed couple. Maybe I am selfish but then thats how it was in my time and still is.
The kinds of Bhaskar dodappa's are rare to see and find. The games he played, the songs he taught, the fruits he plucked and dozen of other things he did for us made me wonder why did he hang out so much with us kids when elders in there were busy talking everything above the earth and below the sky. Out of curiosity I one day asked him and he said,"If I sit in there and talk crap the way they do then I will end up grumpy and die early. Children are like God and when with them I feel closer to God! It diverts my energy from the unpleasentness of my married life." Saying so he gave out a laugh that was similar to that of a hyena.
Come to think of it what he said was true. We all claim not to gossip but we do. We all end up with agendas in a meeting whereas kids play aimlessly. Of course dodappa was a man and he could afford to be careless unlike dodamma who had to do all the chores. Maybe dodappa did not grow up after all. Maybe dodamma did want to be a collector and not marry dodappa. Maybe they could not stand each other but yet they loved others unconditionally. Something that still amazes me. Is it not true about so many couples in India who are forced against their will to spend life with each other. Maybe that's how they chose to deal with their problems.Be vocal about not being able to stand each other but love whom they felt for?
Whatever it was for me Bhaskar dodappa was a person who made good memories for me. Made me look forward for more surprises. So many of us cousins still talk about our good days with him. Earlier we would talk and say maybe we should call and talk to him and then we would forget or postpone thinking maybe not now, maybe some other time.
An action today I regret because last Sunday when I spoke to my sister about him I realized that even if I did call dodappa I would never be able to talk to him. That I will never be able to hear him laugh or complain. Never feel the warmth in his voice again because Bhaskar dodappa slept a sleep so deep from which there is no waking up.
Yes, a reality I realized! None of us are immortals but death never seizes us to take by surprise and shock. It hurts to think that he is gone! Forever! All that now lives, are his memories! Cherished forever!Surprisingly when I think of his smiling face and fun times we had my pain turns into a smile and I am happy again.
That's Bhaskar dodappa! Not a hero or a warrior. In fact he did not lead a glorious life or have a wonderful ideal family or marriage for that matter!
He was just a normal man with simple aspirations. A boy stuck in a man's body. Probably married to the wrong person. Yet he lived. He had a choice to be sad but he smiled. He touched hearts and held hands. He sang away his misery and gave us a rhyme, which we all can hum, look forward and know that somewhere there he is watching us and he knows that he will be missed and loved always as our beloved dodappa/uncle or as he always said,"Ramano purshe!" (Rama's husband--Thats how people identified him, his wife's husband and he found it indignantly hillarious)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Proud like a peacock
Question- Is google talk intrusive or say convinient? Difficult to answer isn't it? If I get time I sure would love to chat and get in touch with everyone I love and know. But recently thanks to my rendevouz with one of my long lost nephews I realized that whenever I send emails to a person with a gmail ID the person gets automatically added to the chat list. And so did he, my nephew.Taking full advantage of the opportunity he pinged me.Honestly it had been a long time since I had a chat with anyone from his family.So I responded of course gladly!
When I lived in Mangalore I was in touch with them but then as time passed things changed and so did I. I never forgot my brother-in-law's generosity when I was in college for which I still respect him but I never re-connected because my life had taken a turn for good. And the new life had too many characters to deal with and one more addition would only complicate it. Also once I moved to Mangalore I realized that a holy circle had already been formed years ago and I could never break into the group of the chosen ones. For them I was the city girl, a subject of criticism, which of course I ignored and took only good. It was only later in life when my status changed that people's opinion changed (atleast that's what I think) which also lead to this great google chat with my long lost nephew.
He somehow made it to some engineering college and like so many boyz and girlz back home he is happy and proud like a peacock. He is at the age and time where he thinks that the skill he is learning will make him god's gift to mankind. Well I used to think the same at his age until harsh realities of life bit me right in the ass. However he comes from not so great a family background and hopefully he will take the family status up and open the gateway to America.
Never mind I am ofcourse very proud of him but at some time I had to give him a reality check. He began the conversation with what are you doing and I answered that I graduated from shcool and was working for a botique investement firm. He asked me which school and I replied Leavey School of Business at Santa Clara University, CA. For which his response was what's that some online school? Never heard of it before. He continued by saying is it any good? And then he went on with his ballad of praise about how hep his college was and so and so forth.
This answer shocked me for a simple reason that the college he goes to in India is at the best a dump with probably 100's and 1000's of kids competing against each other for the same job in all parts of India. It's unfortunate that he believes that as an engineer he would be a Rockstar. Well life does not work like that. Being arrogant is not hep. That is not the American way. Being kicked out from the house at the age of sixteen is the AMERICAN WAY. WOrking three jobs to stay afloat is THE AMERICAN WAY! Dressing up like a hobster is not the AMERICAN WAY! I wanted to say all that and more but then I let him talk becaue I know that within a few years he would be a frustrated little engineer looking for something else to just grow thereby proving Maslow's pyramid of needs true that not all needs are related to money and that there are other professions that exist on this earth which demand equal respect.
On the contrary my other nephew his first cousin owns a hotel in a city in south karnataka. He was never a bright kid but was always an amazing business man. Every single one of them criticized him for his choice of profession. My own aunt went,"Who will marry him?" My answer was well who cares? What if he does not get married and remains single? How does it matter? I am glad that he actually has done me so proud that now he owns a nice fancy apartment in the city and a car. He works and earns for himself. Honestly he is living my dream. Or lets say my plans are a little bit different but nevertheless the same. No matter how much my nephew brags unlike the hotelier he will always work for someone else. What a shame that he is not grounded! What a shame that his education did not teach him to be humble!
Apparently in my profession and experience I have come across proud peacocks, an extremely rare sight to savor ( I have met their very same peers who are surprisingly sweet and humble). One who claim that top 5 is the best and bulge brackets excellent. Well good for them. But my research has proven that ones with maximum success are the most humble. The only exception to the rule is a genius. They are arrogant because they are geniuses. But they accept their mistakes and improve and that is the reason they are geniuses. My experience in school and life has taught me to keep myself in check and I am glad I do that. After all there will always be someone better than me. How many could I possibly compete with? The most important lesson in life is seeing the rise of a person who we never expected to rise!
Well as the chat continued my nephew went on with his plans to work and he mentioned how very little much MBA from some school mattered and how he planned to do it in some fancy school. I asked him which school and replied I**** (I wanted to laugh my ass off but then I ignored him. Nothing against I**** just that he lives and breathes in a bubble that makes him think I**** is better than IIM or ISB or any other college. That is his level of maturity) Well lets move on.
Like every other good aunt I offered him help if he ever wanted to study further. Immediately came his reply,"I am good. My aim is to make money not waste more." That was the moment I bid him adieu and went on with my life. Of course I blocked him forever. What is the point in chatting with people who think education is a waste of money? Ignorance and lack of common sense is not going to take him far. Not wanting to study further is a different issue but being judgemental and unable to understand someone else's perspective is stupid.
I wonder who mentors him? Who would? Very rarely do kids listen to anyone be it in India or the US. Well that was stupid to ask since his college and peers probably made him believe that he can fly rockets and therefore act like a prima donna. But my interaction with him kept a throbbing pain in my head the burnt of which had to be borne my own sister's son. ;-)
The next time I called my sister's son I made it very clear to him that engineering is not Moses's stick that can divide a sea. Its just a means to a source. He is thirteen and did not follow a word of what I was saying infact he was more busy with list of things he needed from the US. How cute and innocent and I hope he remains so or he knows that Rupa masi is going to whup his ass up.
I know at the age of twenty kids are dumb atleast I was. But to have the nerve to judge and then criticize someone and something you have no idea about is absolutely not acceptable. Being a peacock is one thing but opening feathers when there is no rain is another thing. Again its not about profession its just about knowing what oneself and respecting others. When did this happen to kids in India. Where are these words coming from? Our culture is of tolerance and respect. Are we loosing it or is it just this one kid that behaved so. I hope I am wrong and I hope there is hope. Because if this is how the future generation behaves then I do wonder how India would look or feel? Like a proud peacock or like it should be, humble, kind, loving and of all grounded?
When I lived in Mangalore I was in touch with them but then as time passed things changed and so did I. I never forgot my brother-in-law's generosity when I was in college for which I still respect him but I never re-connected because my life had taken a turn for good. And the new life had too many characters to deal with and one more addition would only complicate it. Also once I moved to Mangalore I realized that a holy circle had already been formed years ago and I could never break into the group of the chosen ones. For them I was the city girl, a subject of criticism, which of course I ignored and took only good. It was only later in life when my status changed that people's opinion changed (atleast that's what I think) which also lead to this great google chat with my long lost nephew.
He somehow made it to some engineering college and like so many boyz and girlz back home he is happy and proud like a peacock. He is at the age and time where he thinks that the skill he is learning will make him god's gift to mankind. Well I used to think the same at his age until harsh realities of life bit me right in the ass. However he comes from not so great a family background and hopefully he will take the family status up and open the gateway to America.
Never mind I am ofcourse very proud of him but at some time I had to give him a reality check. He began the conversation with what are you doing and I answered that I graduated from shcool and was working for a botique investement firm. He asked me which school and I replied Leavey School of Business at Santa Clara University, CA. For which his response was what's that some online school? Never heard of it before. He continued by saying is it any good? And then he went on with his ballad of praise about how hep his college was and so and so forth.
This answer shocked me for a simple reason that the college he goes to in India is at the best a dump with probably 100's and 1000's of kids competing against each other for the same job in all parts of India. It's unfortunate that he believes that as an engineer he would be a Rockstar. Well life does not work like that. Being arrogant is not hep. That is not the American way. Being kicked out from the house at the age of sixteen is the AMERICAN WAY. WOrking three jobs to stay afloat is THE AMERICAN WAY! Dressing up like a hobster is not the AMERICAN WAY! I wanted to say all that and more but then I let him talk becaue I know that within a few years he would be a frustrated little engineer looking for something else to just grow thereby proving Maslow's pyramid of needs true that not all needs are related to money and that there are other professions that exist on this earth which demand equal respect.
On the contrary my other nephew his first cousin owns a hotel in a city in south karnataka. He was never a bright kid but was always an amazing business man. Every single one of them criticized him for his choice of profession. My own aunt went,"Who will marry him?" My answer was well who cares? What if he does not get married and remains single? How does it matter? I am glad that he actually has done me so proud that now he owns a nice fancy apartment in the city and a car. He works and earns for himself. Honestly he is living my dream. Or lets say my plans are a little bit different but nevertheless the same. No matter how much my nephew brags unlike the hotelier he will always work for someone else. What a shame that he is not grounded! What a shame that his education did not teach him to be humble!
Apparently in my profession and experience I have come across proud peacocks, an extremely rare sight to savor ( I have met their very same peers who are surprisingly sweet and humble). One who claim that top 5 is the best and bulge brackets excellent. Well good for them. But my research has proven that ones with maximum success are the most humble. The only exception to the rule is a genius. They are arrogant because they are geniuses. But they accept their mistakes and improve and that is the reason they are geniuses. My experience in school and life has taught me to keep myself in check and I am glad I do that. After all there will always be someone better than me. How many could I possibly compete with? The most important lesson in life is seeing the rise of a person who we never expected to rise!
Well as the chat continued my nephew went on with his plans to work and he mentioned how very little much MBA from some school mattered and how he planned to do it in some fancy school. I asked him which school and replied I**** (I wanted to laugh my ass off but then I ignored him. Nothing against I**** just that he lives and breathes in a bubble that makes him think I**** is better than IIM or ISB or any other college. That is his level of maturity) Well lets move on.
Like every other good aunt I offered him help if he ever wanted to study further. Immediately came his reply,"I am good. My aim is to make money not waste more." That was the moment I bid him adieu and went on with my life. Of course I blocked him forever. What is the point in chatting with people who think education is a waste of money? Ignorance and lack of common sense is not going to take him far. Not wanting to study further is a different issue but being judgemental and unable to understand someone else's perspective is stupid.
I wonder who mentors him? Who would? Very rarely do kids listen to anyone be it in India or the US. Well that was stupid to ask since his college and peers probably made him believe that he can fly rockets and therefore act like a prima donna. But my interaction with him kept a throbbing pain in my head the burnt of which had to be borne my own sister's son. ;-)
The next time I called my sister's son I made it very clear to him that engineering is not Moses's stick that can divide a sea. Its just a means to a source. He is thirteen and did not follow a word of what I was saying infact he was more busy with list of things he needed from the US. How cute and innocent and I hope he remains so or he knows that Rupa masi is going to whup his ass up.
I know at the age of twenty kids are dumb atleast I was. But to have the nerve to judge and then criticize someone and something you have no idea about is absolutely not acceptable. Being a peacock is one thing but opening feathers when there is no rain is another thing. Again its not about profession its just about knowing what oneself and respecting others. When did this happen to kids in India. Where are these words coming from? Our culture is of tolerance and respect. Are we loosing it or is it just this one kid that behaved so. I hope I am wrong and I hope there is hope. Because if this is how the future generation behaves then I do wonder how India would look or feel? Like a proud peacock or like it should be, humble, kind, loving and of all grounded?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Three rooms, big windows and doors
"We are moving." Those were my father's words. I was eight and we had been living in a one bedroom apartment for over fifteen years. We all had too many memories associated with the nest we called home. It was hard for me to move because moving involved changes such as making new friends, getting used to new environment. Gosh! the list was endless but I was excited too. Not that two bedroom apartment would change anything much for us. Just that mom and dad would get a bedroom and much needed privacy. Eventually the novelty died and the new apartment became routine something integral part of our daily life and now when we did visit the old apartment we did not feel much of a difference. I guess life's like that we mourn and we move on.
It was then that I decided that I would never get emotionally attached to any one place in my life. For me home was a place people made special and it did not matter where or how it was as long as it was sturdy and happy. My belief system got me through my life for some time then on because soon after high school we moved to Mangalore and then I graduated and moved to Banglaore and for now I am in the US. In the US we moved apartments four times. And everytime we moved I realized how difficult it was to move things and start from the scratch. To mantle and then dismantle. Getting used to new environment was least of the challenges. How I wished I was a kid again and my parents would take care of everything. How priorities change.
The bigger challenge is to decide upon where to move. Being in bay area makes it so much more harder. Places where the apartments are good they tend to be expensive and places where they are not expensive tend to be ghetto's! Worse are the houses. We recently visited an open house. It was a three bedroom townhome. Pretty generous as far as teh sqaure feet is concerned. Around 1400 sqft. But then it was right of the road with a crappy school district. The townhome was listed at $649k. Why was it so expensive. Well lots of reasons make it special at least according to the agent. We were told things such as proximity to shopping complex, work places such as Cisco, and Intel. He went on and on plus the home was supposedly just three years old. And when new people bought them for over $700k. Ridiculous prices according to me.
Contradictory to the economy I saw people flocking to see the homes and were willingly bidding on it. Of course the target crowd consisted of newly wed couple who were eager to invest their money (Seems like the bubble bursted elsewhere and they are leaving in a bubble of their own), or people who wanted to invest. There may be a thousand reasons I will not judge after all, "For each his/her own." Some people seek advice and some think they know it all. Well good for them.
That day I called my mother and told her my experience. She was surprised because when my parents were looking for an apartment in Mumbai their prirority was just an apartment that fit their budget and the money they paid was in cash from their savings. Today the credit market has made people reach out and buy things they think they want no matter what the price. In one way its good. Hoarding is not good for any economy. It only creates unequal distribution of wealth and income. But the point is where does a home become a home. Where does a person in bay area say,"Ok I like it and I will buy it." When does a person say,"I will break this vicious cycle and get myself educated and not buy houses for exhorbitant prices just based on school district."
Question is would doing that change anything. Paying over $600k for a house in not so good school district means that one ends up shelling over $300k per child only in school every year plus another $400k for bachelors and masters who the hell knows? Maybe I will diswon my child by then! People buy houses not based on priorities they treat it as another investment. What a shame. Because I did some math and realized that the same money kept in bank, or invested in good equity or bonds will earn more returns over a period of time. Investment in houses will yield returns only when bought in full cash that too subject to the area where it is located.
Which means one should buy a home because they want something to create memories. To make their children feel at home. To create a kingdom of their own not to invest and then invest again. When I said this to my friend she went,"Then why live here better to go home." Just as irksome that response was I replied," Well India is not cheaper either." I remember my sister struggling to buy a site in India for INR 300,000. She managed to do so in 2000. A neat 1200 sq ft piece of land. Today the same land is worth INR 3.5 million. Unfreaking believable! Inflation at over 15% is not good for any country especially India. I am here because I want to be here. If I wanted to be there I would be there. In any case why is anyone here. We all are here for some reason. Once here we do not get to judge. We only get to respectfully disagree. Anyways That's not the topic of discussion and I have better things to use my brains for. Maybe if she were working she would know how much her husband pays for the million dollar house she lives in. The last time I saw him he had lost 20 pounds and some hair.
When you drive 30 miles to work and slog 12 hours every day you wonder how easy it is to judge anyone? Of course that is not the topic of discussion.The point at the end of the day is that priorities have changed from one generation to another. There was time when people bought houses because it had three bed rooms (much needed when you have children), big windows and doors (for brightness and sunshine). And now people buy for some other reasons. Reasons such as investment, school district, closer to work, lake, reasons that hardly make sense. Reasons that are a luxury and not necessity. Result houses with jacked up prices. But people buy and someday so will I for my own reasons and more and I will at the end join the club of all the home owners who bought and sought a home, a dream, a cash cow for goodness or worse.
It was then that I decided that I would never get emotionally attached to any one place in my life. For me home was a place people made special and it did not matter where or how it was as long as it was sturdy and happy. My belief system got me through my life for some time then on because soon after high school we moved to Mangalore and then I graduated and moved to Banglaore and for now I am in the US. In the US we moved apartments four times. And everytime we moved I realized how difficult it was to move things and start from the scratch. To mantle and then dismantle. Getting used to new environment was least of the challenges. How I wished I was a kid again and my parents would take care of everything. How priorities change.
The bigger challenge is to decide upon where to move. Being in bay area makes it so much more harder. Places where the apartments are good they tend to be expensive and places where they are not expensive tend to be ghetto's! Worse are the houses. We recently visited an open house. It was a three bedroom townhome. Pretty generous as far as teh sqaure feet is concerned. Around 1400 sqft. But then it was right of the road with a crappy school district. The townhome was listed at $649k. Why was it so expensive. Well lots of reasons make it special at least according to the agent. We were told things such as proximity to shopping complex, work places such as Cisco, and Intel. He went on and on plus the home was supposedly just three years old. And when new people bought them for over $700k. Ridiculous prices according to me.
Contradictory to the economy I saw people flocking to see the homes and were willingly bidding on it. Of course the target crowd consisted of newly wed couple who were eager to invest their money (Seems like the bubble bursted elsewhere and they are leaving in a bubble of their own), or people who wanted to invest. There may be a thousand reasons I will not judge after all, "For each his/her own." Some people seek advice and some think they know it all. Well good for them.
That day I called my mother and told her my experience. She was surprised because when my parents were looking for an apartment in Mumbai their prirority was just an apartment that fit their budget and the money they paid was in cash from their savings. Today the credit market has made people reach out and buy things they think they want no matter what the price. In one way its good. Hoarding is not good for any economy. It only creates unequal distribution of wealth and income. But the point is where does a home become a home. Where does a person in bay area say,"Ok I like it and I will buy it." When does a person say,"I will break this vicious cycle and get myself educated and not buy houses for exhorbitant prices just based on school district."
Question is would doing that change anything. Paying over $600k for a house in not so good school district means that one ends up shelling over $300k per child only in school every year plus another $400k for bachelors and masters who the hell knows? Maybe I will diswon my child by then! People buy houses not based on priorities they treat it as another investment. What a shame. Because I did some math and realized that the same money kept in bank, or invested in good equity or bonds will earn more returns over a period of time. Investment in houses will yield returns only when bought in full cash that too subject to the area where it is located.
Which means one should buy a home because they want something to create memories. To make their children feel at home. To create a kingdom of their own not to invest and then invest again. When I said this to my friend she went,"Then why live here better to go home." Just as irksome that response was I replied," Well India is not cheaper either." I remember my sister struggling to buy a site in India for INR 300,000. She managed to do so in 2000. A neat 1200 sq ft piece of land. Today the same land is worth INR 3.5 million. Unfreaking believable! Inflation at over 15% is not good for any country especially India. I am here because I want to be here. If I wanted to be there I would be there. In any case why is anyone here. We all are here for some reason. Once here we do not get to judge. We only get to respectfully disagree. Anyways That's not the topic of discussion and I have better things to use my brains for. Maybe if she were working she would know how much her husband pays for the million dollar house she lives in. The last time I saw him he had lost 20 pounds and some hair.
When you drive 30 miles to work and slog 12 hours every day you wonder how easy it is to judge anyone? Of course that is not the topic of discussion.The point at the end of the day is that priorities have changed from one generation to another. There was time when people bought houses because it had three bed rooms (much needed when you have children), big windows and doors (for brightness and sunshine). And now people buy for some other reasons. Reasons such as investment, school district, closer to work, lake, reasons that hardly make sense. Reasons that are a luxury and not necessity. Result houses with jacked up prices. But people buy and someday so will I for my own reasons and more and I will at the end join the club of all the home owners who bought and sought a home, a dream, a cash cow for goodness or worse.
Monday, August 30, 2010
XXl to KKr
For some reason today I chose to begin my day by reading Bloomberg's Businessweek news. Big mistake. Page after page, line after line there was bad news. Unemployment at 9.5% steady and rising, double dips, consistent profits but decreasing revenues, alarming number of foreclosures, BP gas leak issues, low investment banking performance and then I came across this interesting article about how the government in Dubai was handling the real estate bubble burst. The concept was very interesting and seemed to work for Dubai. Effectively persons responsible for the crisis were arrested and put under strict supervision in crowded jails. The judge refused bail after bail and mentioned that the release would happen only when the person responsible would reimburse the Dubai government the losses it suffered. Infact in some case people held in jail were not responsible for all the amount mentioned but the government in Dubai did not seem to care. For them a partake in theft entitled the thief for torture and jail.
The mention of one of the individuals responsible for a loss of $250 million was scary. Seems like he lived in a cell meant for 48 with 250 people. What was worse was that the entire place had only two toilets and he was consistently denied food for days until he admitted his mistake. Sounds nerve wrecking but in his case it worked. His lawyers are busy selling or writing over his property to the Dubai government in order to get his ass off the jail and I am very sure once out in open he would not dare smell gold in someone else's pot or cheat others.
I wish the same could have been done in the US. But being so very democratic which I strongly support (after all we are supposed to be civilized not barbarians) can sometime end up being expensive. I cheer for free trial but if guilty then I do not see why the US government should not do what the Dubai government did? I mean its like the law of physics the money was in the market that is it must have moved from point A to point B. It has to be somewhere. It cannot have just possibly vanished into thin air.
Plus bailing out only gives solace to the wrong doer that there will always be a rescuer no matter how high the current. After paying close to 33% tax it pains me when I see people who do mistakes walk all the way away with a clean sheet. Its just not fair. People in Dubai do not even pay taxes and their government returns so much more to them in the form of good quality life. Women equality is an exception to the topic of discussion.
Nevertheless here we are in the US where Roubini warns about double dip and stresses on expansion of fiscal policy and literally snubs Ben Bernanke who according to me is doing a wonderful job of keeping things in check. Then there is another school of thought that yay's bail outs and others who think its socialism and its toxic and that our beloved president is a fascist.
Fascist my Ass! Ask people from Benito Mussolini's time as to what fascism is and they will help you get a rendevouz for now I can only say this much XXl to Kkr is for sale because the credit market is tight. People are not spending enough and the savings market refuses to perform. Treasury is buying notes followed by bonds and hoping that the market would absorb shocks if any. Europe is using carrot and stick approach with Greece and emerging markets are having a ball. For how long no one knows. Hope everything stabilizes and America once again becomes great and next time when I open Bloomberg's I hope I get to read more about 2012 dubious predictions which keeps the dumb and the dumber involved. Because if good or dumb does not replace the bad then trust me my friend America will sink no doubt but it will create ripples so bad that it will drown many more countries along with it and I for one am not ready for it. And I hope I never have to be!
The mention of one of the individuals responsible for a loss of $250 million was scary. Seems like he lived in a cell meant for 48 with 250 people. What was worse was that the entire place had only two toilets and he was consistently denied food for days until he admitted his mistake. Sounds nerve wrecking but in his case it worked. His lawyers are busy selling or writing over his property to the Dubai government in order to get his ass off the jail and I am very sure once out in open he would not dare smell gold in someone else's pot or cheat others.
I wish the same could have been done in the US. But being so very democratic which I strongly support (after all we are supposed to be civilized not barbarians) can sometime end up being expensive. I cheer for free trial but if guilty then I do not see why the US government should not do what the Dubai government did? I mean its like the law of physics the money was in the market that is it must have moved from point A to point B. It has to be somewhere. It cannot have just possibly vanished into thin air.
Plus bailing out only gives solace to the wrong doer that there will always be a rescuer no matter how high the current. After paying close to 33% tax it pains me when I see people who do mistakes walk all the way away with a clean sheet. Its just not fair. People in Dubai do not even pay taxes and their government returns so much more to them in the form of good quality life. Women equality is an exception to the topic of discussion.
Nevertheless here we are in the US where Roubini warns about double dip and stresses on expansion of fiscal policy and literally snubs Ben Bernanke who according to me is doing a wonderful job of keeping things in check. Then there is another school of thought that yay's bail outs and others who think its socialism and its toxic and that our beloved president is a fascist.
Fascist my Ass! Ask people from Benito Mussolini's time as to what fascism is and they will help you get a rendevouz for now I can only say this much XXl to Kkr is for sale because the credit market is tight. People are not spending enough and the savings market refuses to perform. Treasury is buying notes followed by bonds and hoping that the market would absorb shocks if any. Europe is using carrot and stick approach with Greece and emerging markets are having a ball. For how long no one knows. Hope everything stabilizes and America once again becomes great and next time when I open Bloomberg's I hope I get to read more about 2012 dubious predictions which keeps the dumb and the dumber involved. Because if good or dumb does not replace the bad then trust me my friend America will sink no doubt but it will create ripples so bad that it will drown many more countries along with it and I for one am not ready for it. And I hope I never have to be!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Selfless or Selfish?
I remember seeing Sri Raghavendra Mahime as a kid and wondering whether what happened to Saraswati, Swami's wife was fair? Should she have put an end to her life? If Swamy had not taken sansyas and become a monk then the world would have been deprived of a treasure so precious that perhaps was invaluable. Who deserved more attention, THE WORLD or HIS WIFE?
Thinking from Saraswati's perspective imagine a woman who is illiterate and in her mid-twenties with a seven year old child. As a girl she was dependent on her father and after marriage her husband, and later probably on her son. For the time being she is dependent on her husband who practically takes care of all her needs. My guess is that in that age women did not leave the house unless they were expected to be in a function or bring water when the well dried up.
And now imagine that woman who knows nothing of the world being told her that her husband agreed to his teachers request to become a monk. Her decision making rationality all her life was zero because she never took any decisions and now she had to accept the choice of her husband. There was absolutely no scope of compromise on the basis of options. What was she supposed to do?
Of course come to think of it she was an adult may be she took her decision in impulse, maybe she should have discussed about her future with Swamy who was planning to pledge his life for the betterment of mankind. I am sure a conversation and patience would have helped her understand the situation better and rethink her strategy. Then the question that arises in my mind is that why did not swamy talk to her and wait till she gained confidence to live on her own and single parent her child? The truth is no one knows what happened and come to think of it I feel that Swamy was passionate about everyone around the world and he might have definitely tried to convince Saraswati. But sometimes decisions have fatal consequences.
This is where the thought that things would have had been way different if Saraswati were educated which again throws more light on the fact that education especially for women is power. It provides them with independence at all time and all places (except the US where visa problems never end).
Moving on towards the end when Saraswati did become a demon she was granted salvation by Swamy. She was forgiven mostly for the same reasons that I mentioned. Saraswati was too young and too inexperienced to bear any kind of responsibility in her life. Moreover she had already experienced too much poverty and pain in her life. She bore all the pain thinking that her husband was there with her. Swamy was her biggest support, her inspiration. And the thought that he would not be in her life anymore must have scared her. There is so much to think about Saraswati that I wonder if people give her their thought or take time to understand her pscyhe?
If she had been a little older or a little stronger she would have known that Swamy would have made sure that she was taken care of and provided for her. So much so that in the end she would have had been escorted to heaven. This way or the other she did get heaven and till date she is respected and revered for what she was and what she did.
As humans we all make decisions. Some rational and some irrational. Maybe if there were no heart in a human body then the world would have had made much more sense and would have had been way linear. But world is not linear and humans are not perfect. Saraswati's story made me ponder and think for almost a decade and I feel that all as a woman I can do is not feel sorry for her instead respect her decision. Swamy did then who am I to question it? She might have been selfish but she was helpless and lonely. And we all know what happens when people are helpless and abandoned?
Her life has inspired me to reach out to every woman I know is in distress or needs my help. My single goal of promoting literacy among women is growing stronger and stronger. Its not beauty, its not money. What gives women self confidence is education. There is no doubt in my mind about that. Women come in all shapes and forms some are good some are bad and some are exceptions. But at the end of the day they are someone's wife, someone's daughter,someone's sister.....
Saraswati was Swamy's wife and she cared for Swamy and Swamy cared for her. What happened, how happened no one will know. Selfless or selfish what matters is that Saraswati got salvation and a permanent place in heaven. If she had not done what she did she would still get salvation. And I for one want to leave the argument at that knowing and hoping that if I can reach out to even one Saraswati out there then it would be equal to serving Swamy and mankind.
Her life story tells me that sometimes its alright to be selfish and sometimes you have to be selfless. Selflessness would have helped her live and help her son but the means were not in place then and now with Swamy's grace there are means and resources and all of these can be put to use to serve one Saraswati and all Saraswati's.
Amen.
Thinking from Saraswati's perspective imagine a woman who is illiterate and in her mid-twenties with a seven year old child. As a girl she was dependent on her father and after marriage her husband, and later probably on her son. For the time being she is dependent on her husband who practically takes care of all her needs. My guess is that in that age women did not leave the house unless they were expected to be in a function or bring water when the well dried up.
And now imagine that woman who knows nothing of the world being told her that her husband agreed to his teachers request to become a monk. Her decision making rationality all her life was zero because she never took any decisions and now she had to accept the choice of her husband. There was absolutely no scope of compromise on the basis of options. What was she supposed to do?
Of course come to think of it she was an adult may be she took her decision in impulse, maybe she should have discussed about her future with Swamy who was planning to pledge his life for the betterment of mankind. I am sure a conversation and patience would have helped her understand the situation better and rethink her strategy. Then the question that arises in my mind is that why did not swamy talk to her and wait till she gained confidence to live on her own and single parent her child? The truth is no one knows what happened and come to think of it I feel that Swamy was passionate about everyone around the world and he might have definitely tried to convince Saraswati. But sometimes decisions have fatal consequences.
This is where the thought that things would have had been way different if Saraswati were educated which again throws more light on the fact that education especially for women is power. It provides them with independence at all time and all places (except the US where visa problems never end).
Moving on towards the end when Saraswati did become a demon she was granted salvation by Swamy. She was forgiven mostly for the same reasons that I mentioned. Saraswati was too young and too inexperienced to bear any kind of responsibility in her life. Moreover she had already experienced too much poverty and pain in her life. She bore all the pain thinking that her husband was there with her. Swamy was her biggest support, her inspiration. And the thought that he would not be in her life anymore must have scared her. There is so much to think about Saraswati that I wonder if people give her their thought or take time to understand her pscyhe?
If she had been a little older or a little stronger she would have known that Swamy would have made sure that she was taken care of and provided for her. So much so that in the end she would have had been escorted to heaven. This way or the other she did get heaven and till date she is respected and revered for what she was and what she did.
As humans we all make decisions. Some rational and some irrational. Maybe if there were no heart in a human body then the world would have had made much more sense and would have had been way linear. But world is not linear and humans are not perfect. Saraswati's story made me ponder and think for almost a decade and I feel that all as a woman I can do is not feel sorry for her instead respect her decision. Swamy did then who am I to question it? She might have been selfish but she was helpless and lonely. And we all know what happens when people are helpless and abandoned?
Her life has inspired me to reach out to every woman I know is in distress or needs my help. My single goal of promoting literacy among women is growing stronger and stronger. Its not beauty, its not money. What gives women self confidence is education. There is no doubt in my mind about that. Women come in all shapes and forms some are good some are bad and some are exceptions. But at the end of the day they are someone's wife, someone's daughter,someone's sister.....
Saraswati was Swamy's wife and she cared for Swamy and Swamy cared for her. What happened, how happened no one will know. Selfless or selfish what matters is that Saraswati got salvation and a permanent place in heaven. If she had not done what she did she would still get salvation. And I for one want to leave the argument at that knowing and hoping that if I can reach out to even one Saraswati out there then it would be equal to serving Swamy and mankind.
Her life story tells me that sometimes its alright to be selfish and sometimes you have to be selfless. Selflessness would have helped her live and help her son but the means were not in place then and now with Swamy's grace there are means and resources and all of these can be put to use to serve one Saraswati and all Saraswati's.
Amen.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Corporate Culture-WTF?
G was furious that R ordered wine for lunch. Well R did not know that the meeting was supposed to be official. For God's sake no one invited G. He tagged along to spy on the new people. He was insecure. Why I have no clue. Maybe because he was ugly or maybe he had a complex. Inferiority. Insecure that someone will one day over take him because he has no MBA and others do! Who knows what in any case he was fit to be M's favorite ass kisser. I do not know what's more appropriate or what's more stupid? Confrontation would have been nice but then G was a baby who went whining to his mommy/bitch at work. He also went crying to daddy and complained to big papa. He told E,"Man she has no idea about corporate culture? WTF?" R on the other hand had no clue. R outperformed everyone at work but G thought R was not fit to be where R was. R of course did not give a rat's ass. Turns out G chats with his equally horrible looking bumchum for hours when at work. So that's appropriate corporate culture? He also surfs internet, watches soccer with his new found buddy S sqaured and in facts yells from the top of his voice when R and others try hard to talk to clients over the phone. Where does corporate culture fly away then? What happens to manners and common sense? It is the rule of the world I guess. Ego maniacs such as G try to inflate their fake belief by putting others down and bitching behind their back. But they forget that what they are doing can also happen to them. That life is not about trampling people. That does not make one a leader or set a corporate culture. A leader is one who fixes flaws, bends to support his team. Why am I even talking about leaders. The analogy is incorrect. G is a f***** employee just like R to M and his minions. G has no right to raise his eyebrows and make his face look uglier. He has no right to act boss because he is only an employee and that too an underpaid one. Also a reminder that all that brown nosing did not fetch G anything. It just led him to another job where I am sure he will have his actions create fatal reactions.
His corporate culture and values is so f****** dependent on what he thinks is right or wrong that R ignores it, totally. And that annoys G. R thinks R's work speaks for R. What G took two years to do R did it in less than that.
More and more profit less and less G. So G can dig his long nose in his new job and think who's ass to kick next and then set a corporate culture that God Willing will be trampled by someone who looks and acts exactly like G. After all as once someone said--- KARMA is indeed a BITCH.
His corporate culture and values is so f****** dependent on what he thinks is right or wrong that R ignores it, totally. And that annoys G. R thinks R's work speaks for R. What G took two years to do R did it in less than that.
More and more profit less and less G. So G can dig his long nose in his new job and think who's ass to kick next and then set a corporate culture that God Willing will be trampled by someone who looks and acts exactly like G. After all as once someone said--- KARMA is indeed a BITCH.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Mirror, Mirror on the wall......
Thinking while talking is a lost art for people in Alaska. Not the tourists of course, the locals. After talking to people in Alaska I realized that they are there because they want to be in Alaska.
Each one has a story to tell about the dream that they are actually living. For instance take Dale Ebben our tour bus guide in Denali National Park. He fits the song from Juno with different words,"I am a part time software programmer and I am a part time bus driver. I like to hike Denali in summer and be a programmer in winter." Talk to him and it takes less than 30 seconds to realize that he is content with his life. He has reached self actualization stage in his life.
Then there is Chantal who visits Alaska and other nature rich places in the world. She showed me pictures that she took when she was standing 200 feet away from a bear. She brags about the fact that for three weeks she hiked Denali and came across dozens of animals including bears and wolves.
Dale and Chantal are normal people with jobs like I do. What sets them apart is their ability to not only dream but also achieve it. How many of us do that.
Of course most of us are not just as free as Dale or Chantal for a simple reason that we all have spouses, mother, father, sister, or some or the other responsibility. Most of us live all our life for others. Nothing wrong with that but at the end of the day on our death bed how many regrets would we have? Probably countless!
Sometimes I wonder is it worth being selfless or is it alright to sometimes indulge in sinful pleasures that define us, fulfill us.
Chethan and I visited Alaska for a week and we felt ashamed of ourselves because a week's visit cannot do justice to Alaska. Alaska demands respect. It will not stand anyone insulting its ability to mesmerize something as minute as human. Alaska is wild free spirited that gives a lot and seeks nothing. Takes when it wants to and warns if toyed with. People such as Dale and Chantal respect Alaska and themselves. They do not need heaven because for them Alaska and living their dream is heaven.
What sets Alaska apart is the fact that people in Alaska smile at other people. Take time to talk, appreciate nature around them and do not rush. I have heard people say,"Yeah like people in Alaska work?" That statement is not true. Infact I met a few who were just as busy as anyone else on any other part of the world but they make free time to do what they want to do. They chase their dreams no matter what they are tangled with. They are friendly and courteous because they know summer does not last forever.
Is not life the same? Like summer. Too short. Fewer happy times so cherish every minute? We all live life thinking we are invincible. We take pride in putting others down, driving fast, changing lanes without indicator, taking help and not saying thanks, the list is long. Every day we wake up and ask the mirror a question we have always asked and expect to hear the answer we want to hear. Any other answer and we break the mirror.
My trip to Alaska affected me so much that I call it my Bodh Gaya enlightenment, a wake up call.
Now I take time to walk and enjoy nature no matter how busy I am, try and be nice to others, raise my hand if I cut lanes by mistake. I am not perfect nor is everyone else in Alaska. But their way of life is so much more better than ours. Their belief system is not based on my belief system. It is based on harsh realities of life, nature and weather. Nothing is permanent they know that and use every minute to celebrate their lives and others. I know it too but I use it to affect me in a different way.To compete and negatively motivate.
Now whenever depressed I close my eyes and I think about the friendly people of Alaska, the mighty mountains of a heaven called Alaska, the beautiful trails filled with wild flowers and majestic animals like the Caribou.
The sight fills my heart with pleasure and peace. I know I will go back to Alaska again because my affair with the mistress of all lands is not done. I am not done and when I do I will be a new person who will still have the mirror but will use the mirror not to ask questions but only to see my reflection. My inner self, my conscience. Clean and pure as the waters of Alaska.
Each one has a story to tell about the dream that they are actually living. For instance take Dale Ebben our tour bus guide in Denali National Park. He fits the song from Juno with different words,"I am a part time software programmer and I am a part time bus driver. I like to hike Denali in summer and be a programmer in winter." Talk to him and it takes less than 30 seconds to realize that he is content with his life. He has reached self actualization stage in his life.
Then there is Chantal who visits Alaska and other nature rich places in the world. She showed me pictures that she took when she was standing 200 feet away from a bear. She brags about the fact that for three weeks she hiked Denali and came across dozens of animals including bears and wolves.
Dale and Chantal are normal people with jobs like I do. What sets them apart is their ability to not only dream but also achieve it. How many of us do that.
Of course most of us are not just as free as Dale or Chantal for a simple reason that we all have spouses, mother, father, sister, or some or the other responsibility. Most of us live all our life for others. Nothing wrong with that but at the end of the day on our death bed how many regrets would we have? Probably countless!
Sometimes I wonder is it worth being selfless or is it alright to sometimes indulge in sinful pleasures that define us, fulfill us.
Chethan and I visited Alaska for a week and we felt ashamed of ourselves because a week's visit cannot do justice to Alaska. Alaska demands respect. It will not stand anyone insulting its ability to mesmerize something as minute as human. Alaska is wild free spirited that gives a lot and seeks nothing. Takes when it wants to and warns if toyed with. People such as Dale and Chantal respect Alaska and themselves. They do not need heaven because for them Alaska and living their dream is heaven.
What sets Alaska apart is the fact that people in Alaska smile at other people. Take time to talk, appreciate nature around them and do not rush. I have heard people say,"Yeah like people in Alaska work?" That statement is not true. Infact I met a few who were just as busy as anyone else on any other part of the world but they make free time to do what they want to do. They chase their dreams no matter what they are tangled with. They are friendly and courteous because they know summer does not last forever.
Is not life the same? Like summer. Too short. Fewer happy times so cherish every minute? We all live life thinking we are invincible. We take pride in putting others down, driving fast, changing lanes without indicator, taking help and not saying thanks, the list is long. Every day we wake up and ask the mirror a question we have always asked and expect to hear the answer we want to hear. Any other answer and we break the mirror.
My trip to Alaska affected me so much that I call it my Bodh Gaya enlightenment, a wake up call.
Now I take time to walk and enjoy nature no matter how busy I am, try and be nice to others, raise my hand if I cut lanes by mistake. I am not perfect nor is everyone else in Alaska. But their way of life is so much more better than ours. Their belief system is not based on my belief system. It is based on harsh realities of life, nature and weather. Nothing is permanent they know that and use every minute to celebrate their lives and others. I know it too but I use it to affect me in a different way.To compete and negatively motivate.
Now whenever depressed I close my eyes and I think about the friendly people of Alaska, the mighty mountains of a heaven called Alaska, the beautiful trails filled with wild flowers and majestic animals like the Caribou.
The sight fills my heart with pleasure and peace. I know I will go back to Alaska again because my affair with the mistress of all lands is not done. I am not done and when I do I will be a new person who will still have the mirror but will use the mirror not to ask questions but only to see my reflection. My inner self, my conscience. Clean and pure as the waters of Alaska.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Birth of an idea
Yesterday evening I looked at Chethan and said,"You know, we need to do something about children in India." "What do you mean?" asked Chethan. "Children who cannot afford to go to school. To keep children who go to school in school. Someone needs to start somewhere. Someone needs to help women. Help them support families and themselves."
"Nice thought!" was Chethan's reply. Yesterday was not the first time Chethan and I have had this conversation. I always start the conversation which starts with Chethan pausing Two and Half Men which he watches avidly and ends the minute I am done talking. Yesterday I started the conversation and kept talking. Chethan was annoyed a little bit but then four years of married life does create a fear inside spouses. A fear that says,"Ok! Today nodding my head won't suffice. She needs an answer.If I don't talk then there will be war. A painstaking cold war which will lead to no food, no talking, no her doing grocery, laundry, or talking to me." I guess that did the trick.
Chethan promptly paused the TV with the help of the remote, folded his hands and looked at me. He nodded his head and said,"Hmm, OK, Yes," wherever and whenever it was appropriate.After I was done talking he went,"We need experience. How can we do anything without any experience? Let's join a NGO first and then start on our own."
I replied,"But getting into an already established NGO will be hard. Plus most of the volunteer positions ask for fund raising help. That's not exactly any experience. Also winning trust of any NGO will take an awful lot time. As entrepreneurs we will have to take some calculated risk and start on our own.Maybe we will be wrong but we will learn from our mistakes."
Again a nodd and clucking of tongue which implied that I was not getting his point. He insisted,"Let's figure out what NGO to join this weekend and we will go from there."
I opposed,"I have an idea. Atleast listen to it." "Ok,Go ahead," replied Chethan reluctantly thinking how much more boring an idea could it be? I said,"Let's ask someone back home in India to identify children who are struggling to meet ends. Lets find out what is that they need. We will list the needs of the children and post it on the website along with their pictures. Meanwhile we can circulate the idea among people we know and explain it to them. We can tell them that they can adopt any child listed on the website and provide for the needs listed. They can choose what need to provide for and get full update on where their money is being spent. The child will be sponsored throughout his/her life and the people here or anywhere will be their virtual parents. Similarly we can slowly encourage micro-finance for women and so on."
Chethan really liked the idea but found it a little overwhelming to deal with. He said,"Yeah, but who do we get in touch with in India? How do we know where the money is being spent? What if people here detest the idea?"
I replied,"Every idea looks deemed for failure. We have to make it work. Of course once the process starts maybe the idea will change and attain different face but it will atleast help us start somewhere." This time the head nodded in my favor. "OK said Chethan. Let's get working on it."
So there just like that over an episode of two and half men, with the help of fear factor and nagging I pushed and delivered an idea. An idea that, was finally born, amidst strong opposition. An idea that Chethan finally approved of and vowed to lend me labor to help it nourish and grow. To hold its fingers along with me, when it cries, to teach it to walk, play, and talk. To help it reach its teenage and then adulthood. To watch it mature when we grow old together. To make it self reliant when finally we are no more.
And just like that an idea was born.
"Nice thought!" was Chethan's reply. Yesterday was not the first time Chethan and I have had this conversation. I always start the conversation which starts with Chethan pausing Two and Half Men which he watches avidly and ends the minute I am done talking. Yesterday I started the conversation and kept talking. Chethan was annoyed a little bit but then four years of married life does create a fear inside spouses. A fear that says,"Ok! Today nodding my head won't suffice. She needs an answer.If I don't talk then there will be war. A painstaking cold war which will lead to no food, no talking, no her doing grocery, laundry, or talking to me." I guess that did the trick.
Chethan promptly paused the TV with the help of the remote, folded his hands and looked at me. He nodded his head and said,"Hmm, OK, Yes," wherever and whenever it was appropriate.After I was done talking he went,"We need experience. How can we do anything without any experience? Let's join a NGO first and then start on our own."
I replied,"But getting into an already established NGO will be hard. Plus most of the volunteer positions ask for fund raising help. That's not exactly any experience. Also winning trust of any NGO will take an awful lot time. As entrepreneurs we will have to take some calculated risk and start on our own.Maybe we will be wrong but we will learn from our mistakes."
Again a nodd and clucking of tongue which implied that I was not getting his point. He insisted,"Let's figure out what NGO to join this weekend and we will go from there."
I opposed,"I have an idea. Atleast listen to it." "Ok,Go ahead," replied Chethan reluctantly thinking how much more boring an idea could it be? I said,"Let's ask someone back home in India to identify children who are struggling to meet ends. Lets find out what is that they need. We will list the needs of the children and post it on the website along with their pictures. Meanwhile we can circulate the idea among people we know and explain it to them. We can tell them that they can adopt any child listed on the website and provide for the needs listed. They can choose what need to provide for and get full update on where their money is being spent. The child will be sponsored throughout his/her life and the people here or anywhere will be their virtual parents. Similarly we can slowly encourage micro-finance for women and so on."
Chethan really liked the idea but found it a little overwhelming to deal with. He said,"Yeah, but who do we get in touch with in India? How do we know where the money is being spent? What if people here detest the idea?"
I replied,"Every idea looks deemed for failure. We have to make it work. Of course once the process starts maybe the idea will change and attain different face but it will atleast help us start somewhere." This time the head nodded in my favor. "OK said Chethan. Let's get working on it."
So there just like that over an episode of two and half men, with the help of fear factor and nagging I pushed and delivered an idea. An idea that, was finally born, amidst strong opposition. An idea that Chethan finally approved of and vowed to lend me labor to help it nourish and grow. To hold its fingers along with me, when it cries, to teach it to walk, play, and talk. To help it reach its teenage and then adulthood. To watch it mature when we grow old together. To make it self reliant when finally we are no more.
And just like that an idea was born.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Amani
She stared at the rat poison on her table for a long time. She was angry, very angry that her father had forced her to marry the slow guy. Slow, they said! Nonsense, she thought.He was not slow on the night of the wedding. He knew to force her into something she was not interested. He had slapped her once and Amani had slapped back. But that did not stop Raja. He had a grin on his face all the time that he beat her. He kicked her in her stomach and then there where the pain seemed unbearable. She had wanted to scream but she was scared that someone would hear her. When all was done Raja had slept like a baby. Ignorant of her and what he had done to her. Amani was crushed. Things were not supposed to be like this she thought. He is a slow guy how did he know what to do to her on their wedding night. Disgust, anger, and resentment that she always had against men grew so much so in her that she wanted to end her life that very moment and second.
But then she was scared of dying. The nerve in her head throbbed. She was in pain.She closed her eyes and her eyes hurt. So she decided to lay down on the floor at the bottom of the bed with her eyes open. All through the night she could hear Raja snoring and she hated it. And sometime in the middle of the night when she did close her eyes, she dreamt. She dreamt of her college friend Prakash.
How they had both liked each other. How they wanted to be with each other. But he was not a Brahmin, he was a Dalit, which meant that she could never get married to him. He was from a low caste and people said that a Brahmin who marries a Dalit goes to hell after death. Amani had believed it and refused to elope with Prakash on the evening of her marriage.
"I do not want to be in hell when I am dead. I am in hell now. Atleast let me get heaven after I die," said Amani. Prakash a brilliant boy who had planned to go to Dubai for work had laughed at her for what she had said. He had tried to convince her that there is no hell or heaven. It is all nonsense. He told her,"We make hell or heaven on earth. It is us humans who make caste. You are an educated girl. How can you believe in this nonsense? Come with me and I will keep you happy. I promise" But Amani was relentless. Without any protest she had married Raja, the slow guy.
Now in her dreams she kept calling for Prakash and Prakash had come to rescue her. They had both managed to elope to Dubai in her dream. She saw tall buildings in her dreams. The buildings were just like the pictures in the magazine. Prakash was just about to show her the gift he had bought for her when she felt someone whispering "Good Morning" into her ears. She thought it was Prakash. She opened her eyes only to find Raja. Oh! how she hated him.
"Good morning," Raja said once again. Amani pretended to be asleep. And it was at that moment when Raja begged her to wake up. He said,"Please wake up amma expects everyone to be up before the prayers at 8am. If you do not wake up then she will be angry at me and not give me anything. Not the lands nor the money. Nothing from the property. You follow her and she will give you everything. She loves me and she will like you."
Amani heard everything and chose not to wake up. After trying for some time Raja left. Exactly at 7.30 am Amani heard a knock at the door. When she did not open Raja's mother, Jakamma kicked the door open, walked straight inside and took her by the hair. She dragged Amani down to the bathroom. She pushed her inside and gave her exactly ten minutes to get ready. She called Raja and asked him to keep a check on her. She said,"If after ten minutes she is not ready then take some kerosene and pour it on her. Once you do that call me. I will come and personally set her on fire."
Amani heard it and became alert. By now she knew that Raja was Jakamma's puppet and would not think twice before setting her up on fire. She feared the worst and locked the bathroom door tight. She was scared that Raja would peek in. Every now and then Amani could hear Raja singing and counting time down. According to Raja Amani had gotten ready in eight minutes. "Amma will be proud. You will see," he said and gave Amani a big slow smile.
Once the prayers were done Jakamma called Raja to a corner and whispered something in his ears. Raja at once nodded his head and left. Amani hated Raja but in the last forty eight hours Raja was the only person Amani had known in the big old house. And now he was gone. Jakamma called her elder daughter-in-law, Sudha, and asked her to assign some work to Amani.
Sudha was extremely polite with Amani. Amani had liked her instantly. Sudha sweet talked Amani into more work than expected and at the end of the day Amani was dead like a log. In the evening when she got permission to return back to her room she found that her belongings were missing. Except a few clothes everything else including her jewelry she noticed was gone. She instantly knew what Jakamma had whispered into Raja's ears. When looking for her belongings Amani had found a knife. It was a little blunt. To sharpen it she used the metal window bars of her room. Once done she waited for Raja to return.
Raja came to the room at eight in the night and walked towards her to grab her. Amani immediately pulled her knife and pointed it towards him. She touched the side of the knife and said,"Stay away from me.If you come one step towards me then I will stab you."
Her threat had worked. Like a dog Raja moved back and made way for her. He let her sit on the bed and made room for himself on the floor. Amani found this behavior of Raja odd. She knew that he could be easily manipulated. She told him bluntly,"Look, if you tell anyone about what I told you today then I will kill you. Believe me I will. You be good to me like a friend and I will be good to you." Raja nodded his head in agreement and smiled.
The next day things went on the same way and so three months passed. During that time Amani had learnt to make Raja do things for her. She awarded his deeds with some intimacy.Her trick she thought was working. Raja she thought was now officially her puppet. What she did not know was that Jakkamma had been following her strategy but had cut leniency because Jakamma thought Amani would produce Jakamma more heirs. When nothing happened for six months she called Raja in her room and gave him the ultimatum.
Suddenly Amani's plan had gone topsy turvy. Raja had turned against her. He was scared of the knife so he did not physically abuse her but he did pass nasty comments about her when in public, he ignored her, and started to sleep outside the room. Amani knew Jakamma was behind Raja's actions but she also knew that if she got a chance to talk to Raja alone in private then things would work in her favor.
Unfortunately for Amani, Jakamma knew that too and had made sure that Amani suffered in remote. Jakamma believed in divide and rule and started to favor Sudha over Amani. She would praise Sudha in public by saying," At least you gave me a grand son. This one is infertile." Sudha loved to be praised and supported Jakamma in tormenting Amani by giving her more work than Amani could possibly do.
Amani was desperate now she knew she had to come with up a master plan, a new one that would save her from her fate.
Though determined to fight Jakamma, Amani was sometimes overwhelmed by the cold war.She felt like she had traded one rat hole for another. She craved to meet her mother but she knew Jakamma would never let her go. Amani's mother had met her once or twice but Amani's father had soon caught her leaving the house without his permission. He punished Amani's mother by kicking her abdomen several times which left Amani's mother bed ridden for months and that put an end to the visits which Amani had always so much looked forward for.
Amani was all alone. She knew that she had to fight and win this battle. She was not ready to spend the rest of her life slaving for another dictator like her father.
One night Amani made up her mind to talk to Raja about the whole situation. Somewhere around 1am Amani sneaked out of her room to the living room downstairs where Raja slept in a separate cot right next to his mother's. There was no light. Amani used the smallest of torch with the weakest of beam. With every step she took towards Raja's bed she feared she would wake Jakamma up.
But Jakamma slept very well which probably was the reason for her long and healthy life. When Amani finally reached Raja she rubbed some spit from her mouth on one of her fingers. She used one hand to cover Raja's mouth and the other to rub the spit on his closed eyes. When Raja felt the dampness in his eyes he gave out a shriek. But Amani had a good grip on his mouth and succeeded in waking only him and not anyone else up.
When Raja saw that it was her he pulled his face away but then Amani gave him a smile and stroked his hands fondly. Raja liked it and got up from his cot. He followed Aamani to their room where Amani did what she had to do. Later when in his arms she turned to Raja and asked,"Do you love me?" Raja grinned and said, "Yes." "Then why do you go away from me?" asked Amani. "Amma told me to do so," said Raja. The answer made Amani's stomach churn with anger. "But I am the one who will be there for you once Amma dies. What if I leave you then and go away? Would you like it?" "No,No, Amma should not die," and saying so Raja started to cry. Amani held him tight and said,"Amma will not die now Raja but what if she dies after a few years. We will all die with time. Would you want me to be there for you then or not?"
Raja started sweating at the thought of being alone. "No, No, After Amma I want you Ammu. I love you." Amani was content with the answer. "So don't go away from me. Don't take and give my things to your mother. We will need it for our children someday." Raja nodded head in agreement and then shook with disagreement. "No but what if Amma," he said,"What if Amma does not give us anything from the property?" Amani cut him and said,"You have a government job and you can give tuitions. I can stitch blouses for ladies in the village. There is nothing to fear. We don't need her money. And after all what will anyone get from selling these lands. They are worthless now in 21st century." Raja did not understand the last part. All he wanted was to be with Amani, feel the warmth of her body, breathe on to her neck and have three meals a day. And yes he also wanted a son he said. He continued,"But I love Amma. I will not leave her." Amani said," We do not have to. There is this small piece of land down hill which belongs to your uncle. Tomorrow go and talk to him. Tell him that you have a friend in Dubai who wants to buy the land it from him. And ask him to promise to not tell Jakamma." Raja nodded his head and said,"Ok Ammu whatever you say. From tomorrow I will do all that you say."
That night Amani slept like a baby with Raja. She did not love Raja but she liked to rule. She had tasted power and now she wanted more of it. She knew she could use her power to do the right thing.
Another three months passed with Raja sneaking into the room every other night without Jakamma's knowledge. One day, Amani fainted when washing dirty dishes at the lake. Jakamma checked her pulse and said,"Hmm its time for another boy in this house. That fool of my son was smart enough to con me into believing that he never left my side at night. Anyways with five girls and one boy that Sudha gave me its time for five sons and more sons. Sudha is useless. Now its time for boys, yes, more boys." She laughed and clapped in joy.
One of Sudha's daughter told Sudha about Amani being pregnant. Sudha hated the news. She slapped her daughter and asked her to go and work in the fields or do her home work. She cried with fear and anger. She knew that now she would be nothing in the eyes of Jakamma. All that she had worked for had been destroyed by this new girl. She hated this niece of her son-in-law. She decided to harass her with more work. But what did she know that Amani had her own plans.
Amani was happy and sad. Sad because she knew that if she has a girl then things will go sour forever. To save herself she knew she had to move away from Jakamma and move away fast. The window she had gotten was small. She managed to send Raja early to work and had him in the room before night. Amani had ordered Raja to talk little to everyone and only answer the questions others asked. He had also, as per Amani's, wishes met his uncle and told him that he wanted to buy his uncle's land on behalf of a friend who currently resided in Dubai. Although Raja's uncle knew that Amani had trained Raja and was secretively scheming against Jakamma he kept mum. He hated Jakamma for not giving him the right share in the property and decided to take his revenge by supporting Raja.
Meanwhile, Jakamma had started to notice the difference in Raja's behavior but had left him alone for now that he had to take care of the child in his wife's womb. Amani was in her eighth month when her baby shower was celebrated once in Ratadi, her husband's village and another time in Udupi at her father's place. All through the function her father grumbled about the money he had to spend. And Umanatha, Amani's mother's brother, unable to bear the comments had said,"Shut up Sripati. Your daughter was married to that slow guy for free. I married that slow guys dumb niece for money I think was too little. Atleast you got rid of your problem. I got money and problem for life. So shut up and do your share of work!"
As per the custom Amani stayed at her father's house in Udupi to deliver the baby.When parting she told Raja to start the construction work on their land, which now was officially theirs and to stick to the lie that the house was for one of his friends who lived in Dubai. She called Raja when he was in school from a booth near her house in Udupi. She gave him the name and number of a lawyer who did the paper work on their land and the property Jakamma owned. It was Raja's uncle who had said,"It is not hers. Its ancestral Amani. Why are you letting it go? For all she has done take your share nothing wrong in it. Atleast you will use it for your good!" And that had been it Amani from then on had sketched a plan that she made Raja implement.
Jakamma's curiosity by now had increased and one day she could not stop herself from prying and wandered down to the place of construction. She spoke to some guys who said the same lie that Raja had told them. Unable to believe Jakamma went back to her home. She later sent her elder son Mr. Hebbar, Sudha's husband, to talk to his uncle about the land. His uncle could not resist the taste of vengeance and told the same lie that Raja had told him.Unconvinced Jakamma decided to ignore the matter for now and waited for the news.
The phone rang and the bad news was delivered. "Its a girl," Sudha said with a grin on her face. "Oh! I am ill fated. Raja is unlucky," Jakamma wailed the minute she heard the news. Jakamma was mad with fury and she decided to not invite Amani to the house nor did she ask Raja to go and get her. After waiting for four months Amani's father dumped his daughter and the grand child in Ratadi. Amani reluctantly entered the house. No one welcomed her. She went straight upstairs to her room.
Within two hours Sudha came knocking to the door and asked her to come and help her in the work. Amani refused. Jakamma was called. When Jakamma entered Amani's room she was shocked. Amani had not unpacked anything. In fact except the bed there was nothing else in the room. To Jakamma it seemed like Amani was either waiting for someone or was out of her mind. Jakamma had enough she yelled at Amani,"What are you waiting for? You husband. That fool will not come till evening. What will you do till then? Leave the baby with other children and get up to do the work."
Amani heard everything and said nothing.She had called Raja at school before leaving Udupi. She had told him what to do. She was scared a bit but it was time. She knew it was now or never.
Jakamma lost her patience she looked for something in the room to grab and hit Amani with. When Jakamma could not find anything she raised her hand. But before she could reach Amani, Amani got up, took her child and her bag, pushed Sudha and Jakamma and walked straight out of the door and down the stairs. Jakamma and Sudha kept looking at each other and Amani in shock.
Furious, Jakmma yelled at Amani,"Eh where are you going. Wait. I will teach you a lesson." Just when she went running behind her down the stairs she saw Raja waiting for Amani with cops. The cops were terrified to see a lady in her late seventies try to hit a woman much younger and stronger than her. One of the cop wondered,"The women in this country respect elders and hence keep quiet. What if this woman retaliated and kicked her. The old lady would be vegetable within minutes." The thought made the cop laugh.
The moment Jakamma saw the cops she started to wail and cry. She said,"Police have come to this temple of mine. Never before. Never did police enter. They stood outside. They are inside. All because of this witch. She hypnotized my son and wooed him away from me by using black magic.She should be arrested and put in jail" She knew and the cops knew that her story was not true.
The cops waited for her to stop howling. Then one of the cops walked up to her and said,"Madam this property in ancestral and you have done some things which we found inappropriate. We cannot help people who signed papers in the past when your husband died but with your sons you will have to divide the property equally."
For a minute Jakamma did not know what to say. Sudha broke the silence, she went,"I bore her a grand son. We should get more of the share." "Sorry madam," the cop said,"According to the law girls born after 1950's have equal share in the ancestral property." "Anyways we are not here to explain law to you. We are here to assist your son to move out of this house safely with his wife to his new home downhill and to get you to sign papers the lawyers have prepared. We cannot force you to sign but you have to sign. We will leave the papers with you and collect it from you within a week. If you don't sign within a week then we might have to arrest you."
And saying so the cop looked at Raja, Amani and the child and said,"Let's go." Silently they all left.
A week later Amani heard from the cop that Jakamma had locked herself in the room after signing the papers. "She is not drinking or eating. God knows what will happen." Surprisingly Amani did not feel bad. According to her she had done the right. A month later news came that Jakamma had suffered a stroke and wanted to see her son and grand daughter. Amani was not called for. Within a few days Jakamma died.
Mr.Hebbar remained neutral to his wife and his brother's family.When confronted he smiled and at functions he blessed his brother's family. He would always say,"Don't tell anyone that I talk to you. Sudha will not like it." Sudha along with her five daughters and one son continued to give Amani cold shoulder.
For Amani it did not matter as to who loved her or detested her. She was just happy that it was all over. She was indeed living her dream. She loved her daughter and did things that she was not able to do as a child. She learnt to ride bicycle, do embroidery, and best of all visited her mother whenever her father was not home. She feared none and loved her house and family.
To live a better life she opened her own tailoring shop and made good money which she used to fulfill her desire of seeing places she had never seen before. Initially Raja came with her but then his frail health made it difficult for him to travel too much. So she travelled with her daughter and a friend from the same village who was a widow and worked at her shop for reasonable amount of money.
Amani today is very happy and content in her small home which she has managed to fill with love. She supports herself and shares the house burdens with her husband. She teaches her daughter that men and women are same. She uses love and not fear to get things done. She keeps everyone happy and now she actually has come to love Raja's weird grin.
Although she does sometimes think of Prakash she still feels that her choice of heaven over hell was a wise one.
And now when she dreams, she dreams of Raja and her daughter, Swati hugging her tight. And when she does open her eyes she is glad to see Raja and Swati actually hugging her tight, very tight.
But then she was scared of dying. The nerve in her head throbbed. She was in pain.She closed her eyes and her eyes hurt. So she decided to lay down on the floor at the bottom of the bed with her eyes open. All through the night she could hear Raja snoring and she hated it. And sometime in the middle of the night when she did close her eyes, she dreamt. She dreamt of her college friend Prakash.
How they had both liked each other. How they wanted to be with each other. But he was not a Brahmin, he was a Dalit, which meant that she could never get married to him. He was from a low caste and people said that a Brahmin who marries a Dalit goes to hell after death. Amani had believed it and refused to elope with Prakash on the evening of her marriage.
"I do not want to be in hell when I am dead. I am in hell now. Atleast let me get heaven after I die," said Amani. Prakash a brilliant boy who had planned to go to Dubai for work had laughed at her for what she had said. He had tried to convince her that there is no hell or heaven. It is all nonsense. He told her,"We make hell or heaven on earth. It is us humans who make caste. You are an educated girl. How can you believe in this nonsense? Come with me and I will keep you happy. I promise" But Amani was relentless. Without any protest she had married Raja, the slow guy.
Now in her dreams she kept calling for Prakash and Prakash had come to rescue her. They had both managed to elope to Dubai in her dream. She saw tall buildings in her dreams. The buildings were just like the pictures in the magazine. Prakash was just about to show her the gift he had bought for her when she felt someone whispering "Good Morning" into her ears. She thought it was Prakash. She opened her eyes only to find Raja. Oh! how she hated him.
"Good morning," Raja said once again. Amani pretended to be asleep. And it was at that moment when Raja begged her to wake up. He said,"Please wake up amma expects everyone to be up before the prayers at 8am. If you do not wake up then she will be angry at me and not give me anything. Not the lands nor the money. Nothing from the property. You follow her and she will give you everything. She loves me and she will like you."
Amani heard everything and chose not to wake up. After trying for some time Raja left. Exactly at 7.30 am Amani heard a knock at the door. When she did not open Raja's mother, Jakamma kicked the door open, walked straight inside and took her by the hair. She dragged Amani down to the bathroom. She pushed her inside and gave her exactly ten minutes to get ready. She called Raja and asked him to keep a check on her. She said,"If after ten minutes she is not ready then take some kerosene and pour it on her. Once you do that call me. I will come and personally set her on fire."
Amani heard it and became alert. By now she knew that Raja was Jakamma's puppet and would not think twice before setting her up on fire. She feared the worst and locked the bathroom door tight. She was scared that Raja would peek in. Every now and then Amani could hear Raja singing and counting time down. According to Raja Amani had gotten ready in eight minutes. "Amma will be proud. You will see," he said and gave Amani a big slow smile.
Once the prayers were done Jakamma called Raja to a corner and whispered something in his ears. Raja at once nodded his head and left. Amani hated Raja but in the last forty eight hours Raja was the only person Amani had known in the big old house. And now he was gone. Jakamma called her elder daughter-in-law, Sudha, and asked her to assign some work to Amani.
Sudha was extremely polite with Amani. Amani had liked her instantly. Sudha sweet talked Amani into more work than expected and at the end of the day Amani was dead like a log. In the evening when she got permission to return back to her room she found that her belongings were missing. Except a few clothes everything else including her jewelry she noticed was gone. She instantly knew what Jakamma had whispered into Raja's ears. When looking for her belongings Amani had found a knife. It was a little blunt. To sharpen it she used the metal window bars of her room. Once done she waited for Raja to return.
Raja came to the room at eight in the night and walked towards her to grab her. Amani immediately pulled her knife and pointed it towards him. She touched the side of the knife and said,"Stay away from me.If you come one step towards me then I will stab you."
Her threat had worked. Like a dog Raja moved back and made way for her. He let her sit on the bed and made room for himself on the floor. Amani found this behavior of Raja odd. She knew that he could be easily manipulated. She told him bluntly,"Look, if you tell anyone about what I told you today then I will kill you. Believe me I will. You be good to me like a friend and I will be good to you." Raja nodded his head in agreement and smiled.
The next day things went on the same way and so three months passed. During that time Amani had learnt to make Raja do things for her. She awarded his deeds with some intimacy.Her trick she thought was working. Raja she thought was now officially her puppet. What she did not know was that Jakkamma had been following her strategy but had cut leniency because Jakamma thought Amani would produce Jakamma more heirs. When nothing happened for six months she called Raja in her room and gave him the ultimatum.
Suddenly Amani's plan had gone topsy turvy. Raja had turned against her. He was scared of the knife so he did not physically abuse her but he did pass nasty comments about her when in public, he ignored her, and started to sleep outside the room. Amani knew Jakamma was behind Raja's actions but she also knew that if she got a chance to talk to Raja alone in private then things would work in her favor.
Unfortunately for Amani, Jakamma knew that too and had made sure that Amani suffered in remote. Jakamma believed in divide and rule and started to favor Sudha over Amani. She would praise Sudha in public by saying," At least you gave me a grand son. This one is infertile." Sudha loved to be praised and supported Jakamma in tormenting Amani by giving her more work than Amani could possibly do.
Amani was desperate now she knew she had to come with up a master plan, a new one that would save her from her fate.
Though determined to fight Jakamma, Amani was sometimes overwhelmed by the cold war.She felt like she had traded one rat hole for another. She craved to meet her mother but she knew Jakamma would never let her go. Amani's mother had met her once or twice but Amani's father had soon caught her leaving the house without his permission. He punished Amani's mother by kicking her abdomen several times which left Amani's mother bed ridden for months and that put an end to the visits which Amani had always so much looked forward for.
Amani was all alone. She knew that she had to fight and win this battle. She was not ready to spend the rest of her life slaving for another dictator like her father.
One night Amani made up her mind to talk to Raja about the whole situation. Somewhere around 1am Amani sneaked out of her room to the living room downstairs where Raja slept in a separate cot right next to his mother's. There was no light. Amani used the smallest of torch with the weakest of beam. With every step she took towards Raja's bed she feared she would wake Jakamma up.
But Jakamma slept very well which probably was the reason for her long and healthy life. When Amani finally reached Raja she rubbed some spit from her mouth on one of her fingers. She used one hand to cover Raja's mouth and the other to rub the spit on his closed eyes. When Raja felt the dampness in his eyes he gave out a shriek. But Amani had a good grip on his mouth and succeeded in waking only him and not anyone else up.
When Raja saw that it was her he pulled his face away but then Amani gave him a smile and stroked his hands fondly. Raja liked it and got up from his cot. He followed Aamani to their room where Amani did what she had to do. Later when in his arms she turned to Raja and asked,"Do you love me?" Raja grinned and said, "Yes." "Then why do you go away from me?" asked Amani. "Amma told me to do so," said Raja. The answer made Amani's stomach churn with anger. "But I am the one who will be there for you once Amma dies. What if I leave you then and go away? Would you like it?" "No,No, Amma should not die," and saying so Raja started to cry. Amani held him tight and said,"Amma will not die now Raja but what if she dies after a few years. We will all die with time. Would you want me to be there for you then or not?"
Raja started sweating at the thought of being alone. "No, No, After Amma I want you Ammu. I love you." Amani was content with the answer. "So don't go away from me. Don't take and give my things to your mother. We will need it for our children someday." Raja nodded head in agreement and then shook with disagreement. "No but what if Amma," he said,"What if Amma does not give us anything from the property?" Amani cut him and said,"You have a government job and you can give tuitions. I can stitch blouses for ladies in the village. There is nothing to fear. We don't need her money. And after all what will anyone get from selling these lands. They are worthless now in 21st century." Raja did not understand the last part. All he wanted was to be with Amani, feel the warmth of her body, breathe on to her neck and have three meals a day. And yes he also wanted a son he said. He continued,"But I love Amma. I will not leave her." Amani said," We do not have to. There is this small piece of land down hill which belongs to your uncle. Tomorrow go and talk to him. Tell him that you have a friend in Dubai who wants to buy the land it from him. And ask him to promise to not tell Jakamma." Raja nodded his head and said,"Ok Ammu whatever you say. From tomorrow I will do all that you say."
That night Amani slept like a baby with Raja. She did not love Raja but she liked to rule. She had tasted power and now she wanted more of it. She knew she could use her power to do the right thing.
Another three months passed with Raja sneaking into the room every other night without Jakamma's knowledge. One day, Amani fainted when washing dirty dishes at the lake. Jakamma checked her pulse and said,"Hmm its time for another boy in this house. That fool of my son was smart enough to con me into believing that he never left my side at night. Anyways with five girls and one boy that Sudha gave me its time for five sons and more sons. Sudha is useless. Now its time for boys, yes, more boys." She laughed and clapped in joy.
One of Sudha's daughter told Sudha about Amani being pregnant. Sudha hated the news. She slapped her daughter and asked her to go and work in the fields or do her home work. She cried with fear and anger. She knew that now she would be nothing in the eyes of Jakamma. All that she had worked for had been destroyed by this new girl. She hated this niece of her son-in-law. She decided to harass her with more work. But what did she know that Amani had her own plans.
Amani was happy and sad. Sad because she knew that if she has a girl then things will go sour forever. To save herself she knew she had to move away from Jakamma and move away fast. The window she had gotten was small. She managed to send Raja early to work and had him in the room before night. Amani had ordered Raja to talk little to everyone and only answer the questions others asked. He had also, as per Amani's, wishes met his uncle and told him that he wanted to buy his uncle's land on behalf of a friend who currently resided in Dubai. Although Raja's uncle knew that Amani had trained Raja and was secretively scheming against Jakamma he kept mum. He hated Jakamma for not giving him the right share in the property and decided to take his revenge by supporting Raja.
Meanwhile, Jakamma had started to notice the difference in Raja's behavior but had left him alone for now that he had to take care of the child in his wife's womb. Amani was in her eighth month when her baby shower was celebrated once in Ratadi, her husband's village and another time in Udupi at her father's place. All through the function her father grumbled about the money he had to spend. And Umanatha, Amani's mother's brother, unable to bear the comments had said,"Shut up Sripati. Your daughter was married to that slow guy for free. I married that slow guys dumb niece for money I think was too little. Atleast you got rid of your problem. I got money and problem for life. So shut up and do your share of work!"
As per the custom Amani stayed at her father's house in Udupi to deliver the baby.When parting she told Raja to start the construction work on their land, which now was officially theirs and to stick to the lie that the house was for one of his friends who lived in Dubai. She called Raja when he was in school from a booth near her house in Udupi. She gave him the name and number of a lawyer who did the paper work on their land and the property Jakamma owned. It was Raja's uncle who had said,"It is not hers. Its ancestral Amani. Why are you letting it go? For all she has done take your share nothing wrong in it. Atleast you will use it for your good!" And that had been it Amani from then on had sketched a plan that she made Raja implement.
Jakamma's curiosity by now had increased and one day she could not stop herself from prying and wandered down to the place of construction. She spoke to some guys who said the same lie that Raja had told them. Unable to believe Jakamma went back to her home. She later sent her elder son Mr. Hebbar, Sudha's husband, to talk to his uncle about the land. His uncle could not resist the taste of vengeance and told the same lie that Raja had told him.Unconvinced Jakamma decided to ignore the matter for now and waited for the news.
The phone rang and the bad news was delivered. "Its a girl," Sudha said with a grin on her face. "Oh! I am ill fated. Raja is unlucky," Jakamma wailed the minute she heard the news. Jakamma was mad with fury and she decided to not invite Amani to the house nor did she ask Raja to go and get her. After waiting for four months Amani's father dumped his daughter and the grand child in Ratadi. Amani reluctantly entered the house. No one welcomed her. She went straight upstairs to her room.
Within two hours Sudha came knocking to the door and asked her to come and help her in the work. Amani refused. Jakamma was called. When Jakamma entered Amani's room she was shocked. Amani had not unpacked anything. In fact except the bed there was nothing else in the room. To Jakamma it seemed like Amani was either waiting for someone or was out of her mind. Jakamma had enough she yelled at Amani,"What are you waiting for? You husband. That fool will not come till evening. What will you do till then? Leave the baby with other children and get up to do the work."
Amani heard everything and said nothing.She had called Raja at school before leaving Udupi. She had told him what to do. She was scared a bit but it was time. She knew it was now or never.
Jakamma lost her patience she looked for something in the room to grab and hit Amani with. When Jakamma could not find anything she raised her hand. But before she could reach Amani, Amani got up, took her child and her bag, pushed Sudha and Jakamma and walked straight out of the door and down the stairs. Jakamma and Sudha kept looking at each other and Amani in shock.
Furious, Jakmma yelled at Amani,"Eh where are you going. Wait. I will teach you a lesson." Just when she went running behind her down the stairs she saw Raja waiting for Amani with cops. The cops were terrified to see a lady in her late seventies try to hit a woman much younger and stronger than her. One of the cop wondered,"The women in this country respect elders and hence keep quiet. What if this woman retaliated and kicked her. The old lady would be vegetable within minutes." The thought made the cop laugh.
The moment Jakamma saw the cops she started to wail and cry. She said,"Police have come to this temple of mine. Never before. Never did police enter. They stood outside. They are inside. All because of this witch. She hypnotized my son and wooed him away from me by using black magic.She should be arrested and put in jail" She knew and the cops knew that her story was not true.
The cops waited for her to stop howling. Then one of the cops walked up to her and said,"Madam this property in ancestral and you have done some things which we found inappropriate. We cannot help people who signed papers in the past when your husband died but with your sons you will have to divide the property equally."
For a minute Jakamma did not know what to say. Sudha broke the silence, she went,"I bore her a grand son. We should get more of the share." "Sorry madam," the cop said,"According to the law girls born after 1950's have equal share in the ancestral property." "Anyways we are not here to explain law to you. We are here to assist your son to move out of this house safely with his wife to his new home downhill and to get you to sign papers the lawyers have prepared. We cannot force you to sign but you have to sign. We will leave the papers with you and collect it from you within a week. If you don't sign within a week then we might have to arrest you."
And saying so the cop looked at Raja, Amani and the child and said,"Let's go." Silently they all left.
A week later Amani heard from the cop that Jakamma had locked herself in the room after signing the papers. "She is not drinking or eating. God knows what will happen." Surprisingly Amani did not feel bad. According to her she had done the right. A month later news came that Jakamma had suffered a stroke and wanted to see her son and grand daughter. Amani was not called for. Within a few days Jakamma died.
Mr.Hebbar remained neutral to his wife and his brother's family.When confronted he smiled and at functions he blessed his brother's family. He would always say,"Don't tell anyone that I talk to you. Sudha will not like it." Sudha along with her five daughters and one son continued to give Amani cold shoulder.
For Amani it did not matter as to who loved her or detested her. She was just happy that it was all over. She was indeed living her dream. She loved her daughter and did things that she was not able to do as a child. She learnt to ride bicycle, do embroidery, and best of all visited her mother whenever her father was not home. She feared none and loved her house and family.
To live a better life she opened her own tailoring shop and made good money which she used to fulfill her desire of seeing places she had never seen before. Initially Raja came with her but then his frail health made it difficult for him to travel too much. So she travelled with her daughter and a friend from the same village who was a widow and worked at her shop for reasonable amount of money.
Amani today is very happy and content in her small home which she has managed to fill with love. She supports herself and shares the house burdens with her husband. She teaches her daughter that men and women are same. She uses love and not fear to get things done. She keeps everyone happy and now she actually has come to love Raja's weird grin.
Although she does sometimes think of Prakash she still feels that her choice of heaven over hell was a wise one.
And now when she dreams, she dreams of Raja and her daughter, Swati hugging her tight. And when she does open her eyes she is glad to see Raja and Swati actually hugging her tight, very tight.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Sharada
"Do you know to cook?" asked the hefty man. Sharada nodded her head and said,"Yes." "Do you know to sew?" "Yes," replied Sharda. "Hmmm, Come stand next to my brother," ordered the hefty man. Sharada obediently stood up next to the bride hunter. Everyone observed and then there was quick murmur. Soon after which the hefty man said to Sharada, "Now you can go." Without saying a word Sharada left.
Sharada, was the eldest of six children. Her father, Mr.Hebbar was a teacher/farmer in Ratadi, a small village near Mangalore. He had married Sharada's mother, Sudha when he was eighteen and she was eight. Sudha was very beautiful and Mr.Hebbar took lot of pride in showing her off. He had always wanted to have a boy first, like all of his other cousins, but Sudha seemed to deliver only girls. This upset him and his widowed mother Jakkama, who micro-managed both Mr. Hebbar and his brother, her two proud possessions. Her sons had practically no say in anything.
Though widowed at an early age Jakkama had managed to take care of the 22 acre property and protect it from the likes of hounds and vultures of her relatives. She was the first in her village to have protested against shaving her head after the death of her husband and had gone one step ahead by getting police help to protect herself from her nasty relatives. Jakamma was fiercely territorial and dominating. Since the entire property was in her name both her sons feared her.
After four girls Jakamma had given up on Mr.Hebbar and was now banking on her younger son to produce her an heir. Her younger son Raja was "RAJA" only for namesake. He was terribly slow at everything. The only thing he was good at was teaching English. Jakkama was smart. She decided to send Raja for a B.Ed course in Mangalore city. When Raja was to graduate she donated a large sum of money to the local government school and in return asked them to hire her son Raja as a teacher.The school head master was more than happy to accommodate Raja for the kind of money Jakamma offered him. As soon as he was appointed teacher Jakamma went bride hunting.
Mr.Hebbar by then was so worried that he tried to have a boy for the fifth time. Sudha was tired of pushing babies and when she pushed her daughter out for the fifth time she lost consciousness. Sudha's parents were worried but Mr.Hebbar was adamant. The news of another grand daughter ticked Jakamma off and for a year Jakamma forbade Mr.Hebbar from visiting his wife.
But somehow Mr.Hebbar sneaked out and got Sudha pregnant for the sixth time and this time he was satisfied with the result. He finally had a son and Sharada along with her four sisters had a brother. Jakamma was ecstatic and invited Sudha back home with great pomp.They named the boy Raghu.
Meanwhile Jakamma continued to look for brides for her beloved son Raja.The whole village knew that Raja was a little slow and hence were reluctant to give their daughter to him in marriage. Moreover Jakamma was a renowned snob who hardly had any well wishers. Time went by and Raja was now thirty, too old for his age as Jakamma used to complain, and Sharada was eighteen. Jakamma now had a plan she decided to go for an exchange offer. She said,"Let's find a family with a brother and a sister. The boy can marry Sharada and the girl can marry Raja. That way we won't spend too much on the wedding and both parties will be happy."
Mr.Hebbar loved the plan and told the marriage broker about it. The broker went,"Hebbar sir, now a days boys look for educated girls.You people live in sixteenth century. How can I get good boys for Sharada? Plus she is dark. You know how boys like fair and lovely girls." To this Mr.Hebbar replied,"Tell the boy I will give fifteen thousand ruppees and 21 savran gold to my daughter and the girl who marries Raja can come without any dowry." The broker found the answer satisfactory and left groom/bride hunting.
Sharada heard her father bribe the broker and felt bad. She went and stood in front of the mirror. By all means she thought she was pretty. But then she felt who does not feel pretty? It is the groom who needs to feel the same. She continued to stare at the mirror. She noticed that she had big eyes just like that of her mother's, in fact she had inherited all the sharp features from her mother. It was just the color and the world gnawed at that. People said,"What's the use even if she is beautiful? She is bloody dark!" Jakkamma had once said none of the five girls were pretty only Raghu the boy was the best! And everyone including Sharada had believed it.
Time passed and now Sharada was twenty the panic in the family increased. Jakkama was worried more about Raja than Sharada. Then one day a miracle happened. A man thirteen years older to Sharada came to see her.The man's name was Umanatha, aka Ummi mama.
My mother's favorite brother. He was fair like milk, tall and extremely good looking. He was the youngest of ten siblings. My mother once told me that by the time my grandmother had him she was forty and my grandfather fifty three. When Ummi mama reached age twelve both his parents were dead and all his siblings married. Infact he had a niece who was three years younger to him. All through his life everyone tried to be nice to him but he felt neglected. He had discontent against all something he never expressed.
He was an innocent orphan my mother said and hence loved unconditionally by all. He asked for money and his sisters including my mother would sneak some from their spouses and give it to him. For all in my mother'side of the family he was a 'Rockstar.' He was not the brightest in school and had managed to graduate with a bachelors in Commerce. His brothers insisted that he find a government job but Umanatha wanted to start his own business. He said,"Unlike you all I will be working for myself. I will be my own boss. And textile market is emerging. I will prosper and soon be rich. In a few years you will all be asking for money from me." This pretty much had ended the debate and Umanatha very soon became a business man.
Five years after he started his business Umanatha realized that he was not making much profit and he went into depression. He made some bad choices. "It was not him. Our Ummi won't do it ever. No, No. It was bad, very bad company you know," explained my mother's eldest sister to my mother.
It was an open secret to all that he had a secret life where apparently he smoked, spent time with 'you know who's' to make up his 'not so exciting and poor life.' But no one would believe it other than people outside the family. It was fine that he did things because according to his siblings he was an orphan. An orphan who had been tempted by the broker to marry Sharada.
"Money, Umanatha, money," the broker had said. "Think about it you can start your own business and have two more buffaloes, buy a separate land and build your own house. You will not have to live with you brother and his family anymore."Umanatha had loved the idea. Some more money and a new truck business, he thought would give him another chance to make it big!
Umanatha convinced his brother, eldest sister, and sister-in-law who accompanied him to see Sharada. Sharada all the while through the Q&A session kept quiet and not once saw the groom. When the brother of the groom checked the height everyone in the room nodded head in agreement. Umanatha's eldest sister went,"Nice girl. Little dark but nice. I am happy." The brother asked Umanatha and Umanatha nodded his head and said,"Yes."
Once inside her room Sharada peeped out to see her would-be. Ummi mama was a good looking man and at the time when Sharada was twenty, to her every man looked like the kannada super hero Rajkumar. Her heart beat faster when her eyes met his. It was then that she saw his eyes did not have the same excitement. His eyes looked vexed by her sight. She wondered why? Was it the way she walked? Talked? She decided not to think too much about it.
Meanwhile Jakamma had heard that Umanatha had a niece who could be a good suit for Raja. Umanatha said," I will convince my sister if you agree to give me thirty instead of fifteen." First time in her life Jakamma said a Yes without any protest. Amani, Raja's would be wife hated her father's decision. But he had beaten her and her mother black and blue for protesting. He had said,"Whore, I will kill you! This man is marrying you for free. Do you realize you have three more sisters waiting behind you to get married? Then there is your brother who needs to do engineering. Marry this boy. So what if he is slow he will some day inherit eleven acres of the rich soil."
She had no choice but to marry the slow guy. In one way she was happy that she was marrying a slow guy. She planned and vowed to control him and lead a life of a queen, unlike her mother whom her father abused every single day. Anything was better than this rat hole she thought! So it happened. Sharada married Umanatha and on the very same evening Raja married Amani.
I now had a new aunt Sharada who was five years older to my sister and thirteen years younger to my uncle. Within a month of their marriage my uncle fought with his brother and asked for division of the entire property. The decision hurt my eldest uncle so bad that he later died of a broken heart. As soon as the division happened people started taking sides. My mother took one but I chose not to. For me they were all part of my family in Mangalore which I visited once in three years from Mumbai.I loved them all.
For Umanatha things were looking up. He had all the hilly property with cashew trees in his name. He also got some cash and jewelry from marrying Sharada which he planned to use to build his dream house and invest in his new business. Whenever short of money or material he would send Sharada to Ratadi, to her parents, to get money or buffaloes which he domesticated in his back yard for milk. No questions asked, Sharada's parents politely obliged. All they wanted was Sharada to be happy and if that meant giving away some money then they were fine with it. Mr.Hebbar borrowed some from local lenders promising to repay as soon as Jakkama died, which of course was not to happen soon. But then what did the lender know? He had no clue that seventy eight year old Jakkama would live to be a hundred and that Mr.Hebbar would leave the earthly miseries before Jakamma would.
Mr.Hebbar's strategy was not long term but it worked like a charm when needed, meet everyone's need and kept everyone happy. Umanatha used the money to plant, mallige, the expensive flower in Mangalore, and sold them and made some good money. He had three buffaloes, that grazed freely on the hills and gave twelve liters of milk three times a day, which kept Umanatha happy if not for long then momentarily.
As for Sharada the very first day of her married life she had enjoyed waking up in a joint family, the way she always had. Umanatha's sister-in-law and Sharada had struck good rapport. In fact Umanatha's sister in law doted on Sharada.But then Umanatha had told Sharada,"No, dumb lady you don't understand. She is trying to fool you to get your jewelry. Don't get involved too much with her and importantly don't believe her. We will be anyways leaving soon. I have had enough of this home and the people who live in it.We will go to the hill and build a palace of our own." Sharada nodded her head and said,"Yes." Next day onwards Sharada stayed in her room as instructed by Umanatha and Soon Sharada found herself building the new home on a hill top. Brick by brick she worked with the rest of the workers under the scorching sun. She cooked for close to thirty people three times a day. She slept in the small room squeezing herself to make room for her giant husband.
Her job was extremely back breaking. Much more than what she was accustomed to do. With guests Sharada's work only quadrupled. She toiled non stop like an ant. She slept three to four hours and worked the rest of the time. I was helpless because the kind of work she did was extremely hard for me to assist her with. But the one thing I noticed about her was that inspite of all the work she had to do she always managed to have a smile painted on her face. She always cooked something special for every one. She played with us, took us boys and girls who would crash her home on vacation for small walks.
I still remember the time when she was pregnant with her first child. Umanatha did not let her go home for delivery because it was harvest season. Sharada silently obeyed and had Vandana, her daughter, while pulling water from a fifty feet deep well. Umanatha admitted later that he had made a mistake by demanding the rocky part of the property. He said that he did so because he thought that the cashew trees would help him make a fortune. He whined that the motor on the well did not work because there was no electricity half the time in his part of the hill. He explained once to my father that rain in the hilly area was scarce. He went on to say that when it did rain in the god forsaken hills most of the water seeped deep down into the earth. Hence the fifty feet deep well.
Life moved on. Sharada got used to her donkey life. Within two years of having Vandana and losing a baby in between she then had a son which made Ummi mama very proud. But by then he had sunk deeper into alcohol and women. He had spent all the money and resources on businesses that failed miserably. Sharada knew it all but as a good wife chose to mask all her problems with a smile. She once mentioned to me,"Promise not to tell anyone. Your uncle came so drunk the other night that he took names, of girls I do not know. I feel bad Roopa. What do I do?" As a thirteen year old I did not know what to say I smiled and I said mama loved her and I loved her. For that I got a sweet hug.That was the last I remember of her.
Soon after that I was back in Mumbai attending school and for years I did not go back to Mangalore because my father had lost his job and meeting day to day needs was difficult so there was no chance that we would travel all the way to Mangalore in years to come. My mother used to call Umanatha regularly but with time even phone calls became scarce. Later my sisters got married, I went to college and with time moved to Bangalore for a job.
It was in summer of 2003 or so I do not remember when? I came home from work and got a call on my mobile from my mother. She seemed to be a nervous wreck. She cried with big sobs and said,"Umantha is gone." For a minute I was shocked that he was dead. I asked,"How did he die." My mother replied,"No,No,he is not dead. He ran away."
Apparently Ummi mama had debts from his other life which he could not repay and to save his face he deserted his home, his village. He had gone missing, overnight! He had come home one evening early from work and forced Sharada to choose and like all other times she chose not to choose and silently followed. She was forced to desert her home, her belongings, her memories, everything. When I heard all this the only thought I had was,"God give Sharada the courage to deal with the situation." She for me was the most innocent and genuinely gullible woman that I had ever come across. I closed my eyes and I wept. Not for mama but for Sharada.
Initially all of the brothers and sisters cried and created hullabaloo over Umanatha but eventually they all toned down and blamed themselves for the situation. One of my mother's sister went,"There were signs you know. We missed it." Other brother went,"He is an asshole." But they all missed him from the bottom of their hearts. For me it was not my mama it was Sharada, my loving aunt who had been forced to live a life of seclusion and for what? Who's mistakes? Her children were young they would adapt but what about her? From Jakkamma to Umanatha every one of them took decisions for her and she obeyed it. Without any grouse she followed every single instruction to the end. No one asked her anything. What she thought, or how she felt? She was expected to follow and for that I felt bad for her and I missed her very much.
Once they were gone we heard rumors about why Umanatha had done what he did. I ignored them and went on with life. But a few years later something strange happened. I accidentally met Sharada at a wedding.I was ecstatic to see her but she seemed to avoid me. I followed her and I asked,"Is that it? Years of memories gone? Just like that? Is that it maami." The moment she heard it she started to cry. Even when crying she seemed to be looking for her husband. She was scared that he might see her with me and then beat her. She saw me with tears in her eyes.
I can never forget that sight. The pain her eyes expressed, the misery they talked about. Those eyes said she was sorry,that she missed me and her life in those hills. They told me that she wanted to talk but she could not because she was scared. Her eyes said it all. They begged me to leave. To not ask anything. Just to leave. Those eyes promised me that things will be fine. Someday everything will be fine but for now her eyes asked me to leave.
I read and heard it all. My heart ached and I wanted to believe her but I knew that for her there was no coming back. That things will never be the same again.That it was all over, for her and for me. Not knowing what to do next I saw those eyes and her for one last time. I touched her feet from where I was standing and did what she had asked me to do.
With tears in my eyes and fond memories of her in my heart, I walked away.
Yes, I walked away from her, my dearest, beloved maami, Sharada, forever!
Sharada, was the eldest of six children. Her father, Mr.Hebbar was a teacher/farmer in Ratadi, a small village near Mangalore. He had married Sharada's mother, Sudha when he was eighteen and she was eight. Sudha was very beautiful and Mr.Hebbar took lot of pride in showing her off. He had always wanted to have a boy first, like all of his other cousins, but Sudha seemed to deliver only girls. This upset him and his widowed mother Jakkama, who micro-managed both Mr. Hebbar and his brother, her two proud possessions. Her sons had practically no say in anything.
Though widowed at an early age Jakkama had managed to take care of the 22 acre property and protect it from the likes of hounds and vultures of her relatives. She was the first in her village to have protested against shaving her head after the death of her husband and had gone one step ahead by getting police help to protect herself from her nasty relatives. Jakamma was fiercely territorial and dominating. Since the entire property was in her name both her sons feared her.
After four girls Jakamma had given up on Mr.Hebbar and was now banking on her younger son to produce her an heir. Her younger son Raja was "RAJA" only for namesake. He was terribly slow at everything. The only thing he was good at was teaching English. Jakkama was smart. She decided to send Raja for a B.Ed course in Mangalore city. When Raja was to graduate she donated a large sum of money to the local government school and in return asked them to hire her son Raja as a teacher.The school head master was more than happy to accommodate Raja for the kind of money Jakamma offered him. As soon as he was appointed teacher Jakamma went bride hunting.
Mr.Hebbar by then was so worried that he tried to have a boy for the fifth time. Sudha was tired of pushing babies and when she pushed her daughter out for the fifth time she lost consciousness. Sudha's parents were worried but Mr.Hebbar was adamant. The news of another grand daughter ticked Jakamma off and for a year Jakamma forbade Mr.Hebbar from visiting his wife.
But somehow Mr.Hebbar sneaked out and got Sudha pregnant for the sixth time and this time he was satisfied with the result. He finally had a son and Sharada along with her four sisters had a brother. Jakamma was ecstatic and invited Sudha back home with great pomp.They named the boy Raghu.
Meanwhile Jakamma continued to look for brides for her beloved son Raja.The whole village knew that Raja was a little slow and hence were reluctant to give their daughter to him in marriage. Moreover Jakamma was a renowned snob who hardly had any well wishers. Time went by and Raja was now thirty, too old for his age as Jakamma used to complain, and Sharada was eighteen. Jakamma now had a plan she decided to go for an exchange offer. She said,"Let's find a family with a brother and a sister. The boy can marry Sharada and the girl can marry Raja. That way we won't spend too much on the wedding and both parties will be happy."
Mr.Hebbar loved the plan and told the marriage broker about it. The broker went,"Hebbar sir, now a days boys look for educated girls.You people live in sixteenth century. How can I get good boys for Sharada? Plus she is dark. You know how boys like fair and lovely girls." To this Mr.Hebbar replied,"Tell the boy I will give fifteen thousand ruppees and 21 savran gold to my daughter and the girl who marries Raja can come without any dowry." The broker found the answer satisfactory and left groom/bride hunting.
Sharada heard her father bribe the broker and felt bad. She went and stood in front of the mirror. By all means she thought she was pretty. But then she felt who does not feel pretty? It is the groom who needs to feel the same. She continued to stare at the mirror. She noticed that she had big eyes just like that of her mother's, in fact she had inherited all the sharp features from her mother. It was just the color and the world gnawed at that. People said,"What's the use even if she is beautiful? She is bloody dark!" Jakkamma had once said none of the five girls were pretty only Raghu the boy was the best! And everyone including Sharada had believed it.
Time passed and now Sharada was twenty the panic in the family increased. Jakkama was worried more about Raja than Sharada. Then one day a miracle happened. A man thirteen years older to Sharada came to see her.The man's name was Umanatha, aka Ummi mama.
My mother's favorite brother. He was fair like milk, tall and extremely good looking. He was the youngest of ten siblings. My mother once told me that by the time my grandmother had him she was forty and my grandfather fifty three. When Ummi mama reached age twelve both his parents were dead and all his siblings married. Infact he had a niece who was three years younger to him. All through his life everyone tried to be nice to him but he felt neglected. He had discontent against all something he never expressed.
He was an innocent orphan my mother said and hence loved unconditionally by all. He asked for money and his sisters including my mother would sneak some from their spouses and give it to him. For all in my mother'side of the family he was a 'Rockstar.' He was not the brightest in school and had managed to graduate with a bachelors in Commerce. His brothers insisted that he find a government job but Umanatha wanted to start his own business. He said,"Unlike you all I will be working for myself. I will be my own boss. And textile market is emerging. I will prosper and soon be rich. In a few years you will all be asking for money from me." This pretty much had ended the debate and Umanatha very soon became a business man.
Five years after he started his business Umanatha realized that he was not making much profit and he went into depression. He made some bad choices. "It was not him. Our Ummi won't do it ever. No, No. It was bad, very bad company you know," explained my mother's eldest sister to my mother.
It was an open secret to all that he had a secret life where apparently he smoked, spent time with 'you know who's' to make up his 'not so exciting and poor life.' But no one would believe it other than people outside the family. It was fine that he did things because according to his siblings he was an orphan. An orphan who had been tempted by the broker to marry Sharada.
"Money, Umanatha, money," the broker had said. "Think about it you can start your own business and have two more buffaloes, buy a separate land and build your own house. You will not have to live with you brother and his family anymore."Umanatha had loved the idea. Some more money and a new truck business, he thought would give him another chance to make it big!
Umanatha convinced his brother, eldest sister, and sister-in-law who accompanied him to see Sharada. Sharada all the while through the Q&A session kept quiet and not once saw the groom. When the brother of the groom checked the height everyone in the room nodded head in agreement. Umanatha's eldest sister went,"Nice girl. Little dark but nice. I am happy." The brother asked Umanatha and Umanatha nodded his head and said,"Yes."
Once inside her room Sharada peeped out to see her would-be. Ummi mama was a good looking man and at the time when Sharada was twenty, to her every man looked like the kannada super hero Rajkumar. Her heart beat faster when her eyes met his. It was then that she saw his eyes did not have the same excitement. His eyes looked vexed by her sight. She wondered why? Was it the way she walked? Talked? She decided not to think too much about it.
Meanwhile Jakamma had heard that Umanatha had a niece who could be a good suit for Raja. Umanatha said," I will convince my sister if you agree to give me thirty instead of fifteen." First time in her life Jakamma said a Yes without any protest. Amani, Raja's would be wife hated her father's decision. But he had beaten her and her mother black and blue for protesting. He had said,"Whore, I will kill you! This man is marrying you for free. Do you realize you have three more sisters waiting behind you to get married? Then there is your brother who needs to do engineering. Marry this boy. So what if he is slow he will some day inherit eleven acres of the rich soil."
She had no choice but to marry the slow guy. In one way she was happy that she was marrying a slow guy. She planned and vowed to control him and lead a life of a queen, unlike her mother whom her father abused every single day. Anything was better than this rat hole she thought! So it happened. Sharada married Umanatha and on the very same evening Raja married Amani.
I now had a new aunt Sharada who was five years older to my sister and thirteen years younger to my uncle. Within a month of their marriage my uncle fought with his brother and asked for division of the entire property. The decision hurt my eldest uncle so bad that he later died of a broken heart. As soon as the division happened people started taking sides. My mother took one but I chose not to. For me they were all part of my family in Mangalore which I visited once in three years from Mumbai.I loved them all.
For Umanatha things were looking up. He had all the hilly property with cashew trees in his name. He also got some cash and jewelry from marrying Sharada which he planned to use to build his dream house and invest in his new business. Whenever short of money or material he would send Sharada to Ratadi, to her parents, to get money or buffaloes which he domesticated in his back yard for milk. No questions asked, Sharada's parents politely obliged. All they wanted was Sharada to be happy and if that meant giving away some money then they were fine with it. Mr.Hebbar borrowed some from local lenders promising to repay as soon as Jakkama died, which of course was not to happen soon. But then what did the lender know? He had no clue that seventy eight year old Jakkama would live to be a hundred and that Mr.Hebbar would leave the earthly miseries before Jakamma would.
Mr.Hebbar's strategy was not long term but it worked like a charm when needed, meet everyone's need and kept everyone happy. Umanatha used the money to plant, mallige, the expensive flower in Mangalore, and sold them and made some good money. He had three buffaloes, that grazed freely on the hills and gave twelve liters of milk three times a day, which kept Umanatha happy if not for long then momentarily.
As for Sharada the very first day of her married life she had enjoyed waking up in a joint family, the way she always had. Umanatha's sister-in-law and Sharada had struck good rapport. In fact Umanatha's sister in law doted on Sharada.But then Umanatha had told Sharada,"No, dumb lady you don't understand. She is trying to fool you to get your jewelry. Don't get involved too much with her and importantly don't believe her. We will be anyways leaving soon. I have had enough of this home and the people who live in it.We will go to the hill and build a palace of our own." Sharada nodded her head and said,"Yes." Next day onwards Sharada stayed in her room as instructed by Umanatha and Soon Sharada found herself building the new home on a hill top. Brick by brick she worked with the rest of the workers under the scorching sun. She cooked for close to thirty people three times a day. She slept in the small room squeezing herself to make room for her giant husband.
Her job was extremely back breaking. Much more than what she was accustomed to do. With guests Sharada's work only quadrupled. She toiled non stop like an ant. She slept three to four hours and worked the rest of the time. I was helpless because the kind of work she did was extremely hard for me to assist her with. But the one thing I noticed about her was that inspite of all the work she had to do she always managed to have a smile painted on her face. She always cooked something special for every one. She played with us, took us boys and girls who would crash her home on vacation for small walks.
I still remember the time when she was pregnant with her first child. Umanatha did not let her go home for delivery because it was harvest season. Sharada silently obeyed and had Vandana, her daughter, while pulling water from a fifty feet deep well. Umanatha admitted later that he had made a mistake by demanding the rocky part of the property. He said that he did so because he thought that the cashew trees would help him make a fortune. He whined that the motor on the well did not work because there was no electricity half the time in his part of the hill. He explained once to my father that rain in the hilly area was scarce. He went on to say that when it did rain in the god forsaken hills most of the water seeped deep down into the earth. Hence the fifty feet deep well.
Life moved on. Sharada got used to her donkey life. Within two years of having Vandana and losing a baby in between she then had a son which made Ummi mama very proud. But by then he had sunk deeper into alcohol and women. He had spent all the money and resources on businesses that failed miserably. Sharada knew it all but as a good wife chose to mask all her problems with a smile. She once mentioned to me,"Promise not to tell anyone. Your uncle came so drunk the other night that he took names, of girls I do not know. I feel bad Roopa. What do I do?" As a thirteen year old I did not know what to say I smiled and I said mama loved her and I loved her. For that I got a sweet hug.That was the last I remember of her.
Soon after that I was back in Mumbai attending school and for years I did not go back to Mangalore because my father had lost his job and meeting day to day needs was difficult so there was no chance that we would travel all the way to Mangalore in years to come. My mother used to call Umanatha regularly but with time even phone calls became scarce. Later my sisters got married, I went to college and with time moved to Bangalore for a job.
It was in summer of 2003 or so I do not remember when? I came home from work and got a call on my mobile from my mother. She seemed to be a nervous wreck. She cried with big sobs and said,"Umantha is gone." For a minute I was shocked that he was dead. I asked,"How did he die." My mother replied,"No,No,he is not dead. He ran away."
Apparently Ummi mama had debts from his other life which he could not repay and to save his face he deserted his home, his village. He had gone missing, overnight! He had come home one evening early from work and forced Sharada to choose and like all other times she chose not to choose and silently followed. She was forced to desert her home, her belongings, her memories, everything. When I heard all this the only thought I had was,"God give Sharada the courage to deal with the situation." She for me was the most innocent and genuinely gullible woman that I had ever come across. I closed my eyes and I wept. Not for mama but for Sharada.
Initially all of the brothers and sisters cried and created hullabaloo over Umanatha but eventually they all toned down and blamed themselves for the situation. One of my mother's sister went,"There were signs you know. We missed it." Other brother went,"He is an asshole." But they all missed him from the bottom of their hearts. For me it was not my mama it was Sharada, my loving aunt who had been forced to live a life of seclusion and for what? Who's mistakes? Her children were young they would adapt but what about her? From Jakkamma to Umanatha every one of them took decisions for her and she obeyed it. Without any grouse she followed every single instruction to the end. No one asked her anything. What she thought, or how she felt? She was expected to follow and for that I felt bad for her and I missed her very much.
Once they were gone we heard rumors about why Umanatha had done what he did. I ignored them and went on with life. But a few years later something strange happened. I accidentally met Sharada at a wedding.I was ecstatic to see her but she seemed to avoid me. I followed her and I asked,"Is that it? Years of memories gone? Just like that? Is that it maami." The moment she heard it she started to cry. Even when crying she seemed to be looking for her husband. She was scared that he might see her with me and then beat her. She saw me with tears in her eyes.
I can never forget that sight. The pain her eyes expressed, the misery they talked about. Those eyes said she was sorry,that she missed me and her life in those hills. They told me that she wanted to talk but she could not because she was scared. Her eyes said it all. They begged me to leave. To not ask anything. Just to leave. Those eyes promised me that things will be fine. Someday everything will be fine but for now her eyes asked me to leave.
I read and heard it all. My heart ached and I wanted to believe her but I knew that for her there was no coming back. That things will never be the same again.That it was all over, for her and for me. Not knowing what to do next I saw those eyes and her for one last time. I touched her feet from where I was standing and did what she had asked me to do.
With tears in my eyes and fond memories of her in my heart, I walked away.
Yes, I walked away from her, my dearest, beloved maami, Sharada, forever!
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